Today's Chuckle

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No --- some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful.

Spot ate every bit.

All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and

we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach

pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered and were sitting around in the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum.....

"I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?"

"You know --- the bastard who ran over Spot ---- he didn't even slow down."
 
Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner


The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 F degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 F degrees inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off almost immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

There was no way that Old man Ford was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --


Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
 
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
(love the Dad's reply!) - "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”
 
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said "Noreen, Room 302"

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Noreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful!
I was so worried God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Noreen your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Noreen in 302. No one tells me sh--."
 
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table and the widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?”

After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes, yes I will!"

Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower. However, the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes" or did she say ‘No‘? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say“Yes" or did you say “No”?

"Why, you silly man." she replied, I said Yes. Yes, I will! And I meant it with all my heart!"

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I'm so glad you called. I couldn't remember who asked me!"
 
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.
Kennedy
International Airport as he attempted to board a
flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a
slide rule and a
calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said
he believes the man is a member of the notorious
Al-gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by
the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," the AG said. "They
desire solutions
by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents in search of
absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x'
and 'y' and refer to
themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they
belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country.

As the Greek philanderer, Isosceles used to say,
"There are three
sides to every triangle."



When asked to comment on the arrest, Trump
said: --"If God
had wanted us to have better weapons of math
instruction, he would
have give us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall
a more
intelligent or profound statement by the president.
 
An Interesting Fact About Manure

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship.
It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles - you can imagine what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction Stow High In Transit, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this "volatile" cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ' s** ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.
 
I am sorry, but you are wrong. It is a knitting term.

;)

I just read these last 3 posts to my wife. She almost choked on her lunch after the third message.

She is, after all, part owner of a Yarn Shop, and a prolific knitter.

(I would disagree slightly - it is a fiber term; I'm a spinner.)

-Kurt​
 
I just read these last 3 posts to my wife. She almost choked on her lunch after the third message.

She is, after all, part owner of a Yarn Shop, and a prolific knitter.

(I would disagree slightly - it is a fiber term; I'm a spinner.)

-Kurt​

Oops! Didn't mean to choke your wife! But see? There is confirmation that I am correct! :D
 
Religious humor:



GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class,
"If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."


DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked,
"Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."


THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Tommy was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Tommy was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."


UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.


BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"


ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"


SAY A PRAYER

Little Tommy and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Tommy received his plate, he started eating right away. "Tommy! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do" his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Tommy explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
 
Charm School Graduate

Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in Los Angeles airport.

The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."


The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm School?" the first woman said, amazed, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, "Who gives a sh--?"
I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart!"
 
Phyllis Diller was an American stand-up comedian, actress, singer, dancer, and voice artist, best known for her eccentric stage persona, her self-deprecating humor, her outrageous hair and clothes. Enjoy these excerpts from her routines.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don't do me justice -they look just like me.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
 
As I was driving home this week and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life, my family's lives, my friends’ lives, and what’s happening in Wall Street, Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, about Hillary, Trump and the election, and how America is so troubled, I saw a yard sign that said:



NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3787

Out of curiosity and desperation, I did, and left a message as instructed.

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower the next day.
 
As I was driving home this week and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life, my family's lives, my friends’ lives, and what’s happening in Wall Street, Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, about Hillary, Trump and the election, and how America is so troubled, I saw a yard sign that said:



NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3787

Out of curiosity and desperation, I did, and left a message as instructed.

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower the next day.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
 
Charm School Graduate

Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in Los Angeles airport.

The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."


The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm School?" the first woman said, amazed, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, "Who gives a sh--?"
I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart!"

I'm gonna remember this and use it! :p
 
In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?", asked the man. "That's right," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually, I just heard about it, and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now, let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, Socrates, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good, nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
 
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

The bartender looks at him and says, "What’ll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have"

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
 
Did you hear about the fly that was sitting on the toilet seat (in the mens bathroom)?
.
.
.
.
.
.
He got pissed off!
.
.
.
Badump-bump! :biglaugh:
 
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