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Thread: Today's Chuckle

  1. #481
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    Jan 2014
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    Close to Boston, Massachusetts
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    Not Bad!!!
    "Life is short. Opera is long."

    Anonymous


  2. #482
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    Dec 2010
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    Tampa Bay, FL
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    His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

    He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak:

    "My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”

    "My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”

    "My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”

    "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound.”

    The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as they slip away, the nurse says:

    "Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

    The wife replies:

    "The jackass had a paper route."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  3. #483
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    Tampa Bay, FL
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    During my check-up I asked the Doctor,

    "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?

    He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

    I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

    He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  4. #484
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    Tampa Bay, FL
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    7,475

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    Ever smelled mothballs?





    How did you ever get those little legs apart?
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  5. #485
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    Two little boys, Tom and Danny, are excessively mischievous.
    They are always getting into trouble and their Mom knows if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
    The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
    The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
    The mother sent Danny in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
    The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
    "Do you know where God is, son?"
    The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
    So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
    "Where is God?!
    Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
    The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"
    The boy screamed bolted from the room, ran directly home dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
    When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
    "What happened?"
    The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
    "We are in BIG trouble this time!"
    "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  6. #486
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
    Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
    They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
    Breezers.

    Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
    Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

    One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
    She would take off her panties and use them.

    Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
    Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

    She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
    That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
    Proceeded to wipe with that.

    After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
    Go home.

    The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
    "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

    "That's nothing," said the other husband,
    "Mine came back with a card stuck to her a-- that
    said.....

    'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' "
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  7. #487
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements?
    Bernadette.

    My mate told me that his wife could do with losing a few pounds.
    So I mugged her.

    If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'Thank you' is all I need.
    Not all this 'Who are you & what are you doing in my house nonsense.

    I went to the doctor's because of my Alcohol problem.
    "How many units do you drink in a day?" said the doctor
    I replied, "How much is a unit?"
    He said, "Half a pint."
    I said, "Oh great, in that case none."
    "None?" the doctor said puzzled
    I said, "Yeah, I don't drink halves."

    My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
    That came out of nowhere.

    I told my wife she'd painted her eyebrows too high this morning.
    I don't know if she agreed but she seemed surprised.


    And Finally...


    The European economy explained...

    Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100. The farmer agreed to drop the donkey off the next morning.
    The next day the farmer knocked a the door and said “I’ve got some bad news, the donkey’s dead”
    “That’s Ok” said Paddy “Just give me my €100 back and I’ll buy another one”.
    “I can’t” said the farmer, “I’ve already spent it”.
    “Ok then, bring me the dead donkey” Said Paddy.
    “What are you going to do with a dead donkey?” asked the farmer.
    “I’ll raffle him off” Paddy replied.
    “Who’s going to buy tickets to win a dead donkey?”
    “Don’t worry, I won’t tell them he’s dead” said Paddy.
    So, the farmer delivered the dead donkey to Paddy, and went on his way.

    A month later, the farmer bumped into Paddy in the town. “How did you get on with that donkey?” asked the farmer.
    “Oh fantastic” said Paddy “I made €898 profit from him!”
    “How come?” asked the farmer “Weren’t the people upset when they found out the donkey was dead?”
    “Oh, only the winner was, so I refunded him the €2 ticket price.”

    Paddy now heads the Bank of Ireland!
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  8. #488
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer
    of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and
    small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had
    been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up,
    stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

    'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? '

    The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

    Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

    'Which service, the 8:30 or the 11:00?
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  9. #489
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    In a convent in Ireland, the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying. The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands of flowers around her and trying to make her last journey comfortable. They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.

    Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

    Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips. The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

    As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

    "Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

    She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and whispered her last words:

    "DON'T SELL THAT COW."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  10. #490
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    Tampa Bay, FL
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    Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.
    Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,

    "I'll leave the key under the mat.
    Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque.
    Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike.
    He won't bother you."


    "But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

    "I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

    When the repairman arrived at Wanda 's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
    But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

    The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

    Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
    "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

    To which the parrot replied,


    "Get him Spike!"

    See - Men just don't listen!
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

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