Today's Chuckle

Very hungry and eagerly waiting, a man was just served his soup in a restaurant, but he was to become quit upset when he noticed a fly in his soup, so called the waiter over to complain, and quite outraged, pointing to the soup, he asked the waiter, 'What is a FLY doing in my soup?

The waiter studied the situation for a moment, and in a very matter-of-fact way, he replied 'um, The back-stroke!"
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badump-bump! :biglaugh:

Why is a moon rock tastier than an earth rock?

Because its a little meteor!

(BTW, Booli, is not 82)

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"When you're 82"

When I turned 82 I thought my life was over, but then I discovered how great it is to be 82 ! ! !

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.

This ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute.You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re 82 ... who cares ?

*****

I went to the drug store and told told clerk"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady Clerk:"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”

I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

When you’re 82... who cares?

*****

I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

Cost me a fat lip, but...

When you’re 82 ... who cares?

*****

I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the shin but...

When you’re 82 ... who cares?

*****

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you’re 82 ... who cares?

*****

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

When you’re 82

...you guessed it.....

who cares?

Ha ha booli!

A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California. The captain gets on the loudhailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loudhailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

What do you call a guy who likes hanging out with musicians?
A Drummer!

How do you get a drummer off your porch?
Pay him $10 for the pizza.

What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.

How do you know if a drummer is walking right behind you?
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.

I asked my drummer to spell "Mississippi"
...He said "the river or the state?"

What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!

How does a drummer know when it's the end of the song?
The rest of the band are stood still just glaring at him.

What do drummers usually eat at lunch?
Tomato soup and a drum roll.

What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
The defendant.

What do you call the part of a gig when everyone goes to the bar?
The drum solo.

How can you tell if the drum riser is level?

The drummer drools from both sides of his mouth.

re: drummer jokes

I wonder how many of these observed activities can be automated via software like that from ToonTrack or the built-in 'drummer' i.e., 'auto-drummer' loops that come with Garageband...

...surely therein lies some comedy, but without the human element of course

also, @Nickie - I was hesitant to post that '82' joke for fear of it being demonstrative of a mindset that is usually considered chauvinistic and demeaning to women, and while 'maybe' funny 'as a joking context', in real life, I would find such a person telling those stories to me 'in-person' to be a brute and likely would just walk away...I struggle with maybe wanting to delete that post now, as it could be seen by some as being offensive or in poor taste...some regrets yes, as ridicule is not something I want to witness or condone...

Since I'm a recovering banjo player, I've always liked this one:

How do you know when a banjo player is at the door? He can't find the key, the knocking speeds up, and he never knows when to come in.

RichM said:

Since I'm a recovering banjo player, I've always liked this one:

How do you know when a banjo player is at the door? He can't find the key, the knocking speeds up, and he never knows when to come in.

Click to expand...

:biglaugh:

maki66 said:

:biglaugh:

Click to expand...

heehee I just sent this to a bunch of friends!

Booli said:

re: drummer jokes

I wonder how many of these observed activities can be automated via software like that from ToonTrack or the built-in 'drummer' i.e., 'auto-drummer' loops that come with Garageband...

...surely therein lies some comedy, but without the human element of course

also, @Nickie - I was hesitant to post that '82' joke for fear of it being demonstrative of a mindset that is usually considered chauvinistic and demeaning to women, and while 'maybe' funny 'as a joking context', in real life, I would find such a person telling those stories to me 'in-person' to be a brute and likely would just walk away...I struggle with maybe wanting to delete that post now, as it could be seen by some as being offensive or in poor taste...some regrets yes, as ridicule is not something I want to witness or condone...

Click to expand...

Booli, I took no offense. Humor is mostly ridiculing someone or other....I've heard way worse. I once heard a woman, who was studying to
be a standup comedian, read the nastiest jokes you've ever heard off a tablet. They weren't even funny. We finally asked her to stop. Turns out she didn't like other women. But she couldn't take male bashing in any form, funny or not.
Joke on!

Nickie said:

Booli, I took no offense. Humor is mostly ridiculing someone or other....I've heard way worse. I once heard a woman, who was studying to
be a standup comedian, read the nastiest jokes you've ever heard off a tablet. They weren't even funny. We finally asked her to stop. Turns out she didn't like other women. But she couldn't take male bashing in any form, funny or not.
Joke on!

Click to expand...

OK - thanks Nickie - I just dont want to lose privileges or wear out my welcome on this thread...please carry on.

I already posted this on the "Famous Quotes" thread. But it needs to be here too:

T'was the fifteenth of November, a night I well remember.
I was walking up and down in drunken pride.
When my knees began to flutter, I sank down in the gutter
And a pig came up and lay down by my side.
As I lay there in the gutter, thinking thoughts cannot utter
I thought I heard a passing lady say,
"You can tell a man who boozes by the company he chooses."
And with that the pig got up and slowly walked away.

Big News:

YouTube, Facebook and Twitter have announced that they are merging into a single company.

The new company will be called YouTwitFace.

A man suffered a heart attack while shopping in a store. The store manager called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a weak raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."



The nun became agitated and announced, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Slightly off color...

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

If you think that's bad....

Two farmers were talking one day, Jed and Fred. Jed's dog was sitting next to them, proudly licking his own private parts.
Fred saw it and said "Gee, I wish I could do that."
Jed smiled and said, "Go ahead, but he might bite ya."

Nickie said:

If you think that's bad....

Two farmers were talking one day, Jed and Fred. Jed's dog was sitting next to them, proudly licking his own private parts.
Fred saw it and said "Gee, I wish I could do that."
Jed smiled and said, "Go ahead, but he might bite ya."

Click to expand...

ALTERNATE PUNCH LINE:

Don't you think you ought to pet him first?

KnowsPickin said:

ALTERNATE PUNCH LINE:

Don't you think you ought to pet him first?

Click to expand...

nice touch....