Today's Chuckle

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth
anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’dshared, where Jerry had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No”.

Jerry said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Jerry said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...”

The first police officer turned to his partner and said,
“Come on, we’re outta here!”

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Before my daughter went on her first date, I gave her “the talk.”

“Sometimes, it’s easy to get carried away when you’re with a boy,” I said. “Remember, a short moment of indiscretion could ruin your life.”

“Don’t worry,” she said. “I don’t plan on ruining my life until I get married.”

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other,
"Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered,
"Indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."

"I can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. "We use beer for washing our hair"

The nun said, "Back at our nunnery, we call it catholic shampoo ."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye,smiled, and said:
"The curlers are on the house."

After getting all of Pope Francis's luggage loaded into the limo at the airport,
(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell?' asks the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets into the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 130 mph. (Remember, the Pope is Argentinean, and Fangio the famous racer, was Argentinean.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!', moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches; but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 130 mph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that. He's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The President?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's GOD!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!

Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I cannot use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."
Maxine on "Lawn Care" -- "The key to a nice looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
Maxine on "The Perfect Man" -- "All I'm looking for is a guy who will do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away.
Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
Maxine on "Technology Revolution" -- "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
Maxine on "Aging" -- "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."



"The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals."
"The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."
"To err is human; to forgive, highly unlikely."
"Do you realize that in about forty years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?" (Now that's scary!)
"Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.
"After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere . You may be dead."

Yesterday I did nothing and today I'm finishing what I did yesterday. –

Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying. –

It's really complicated to make something simple, but very simple to make something complicated.

Remember that today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday.

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket." –

If nothing is impossible, is it possible for something to be impossible?

All birth certificates have an expiration date. (eventually)

When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. –

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. –

I wish my wallet came with free refills.

Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. –

Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. –

If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.

How can you make sure you never miss your target?

Shoot first, and whatever you hit, call it the target. –

I don't know how to act my age because I've never been this old before.

I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
Your bank account can be overdrawn, but it can never be overfilled.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

I can resist everything except temptation.

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money

Reality continues to ruin my life

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun

Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter

When you wake up at 6 in the morning, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's already 6:45. When you're at work and it's 2:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's 2:31.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely! –

Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on a beach drinking margaritas. -

When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning," I sleep in until noon because I'm a problem solver. –

If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave. –

I hate it when people text "Call me." I'm going to start calling people and as soon as they answer I'll say "text me," then hang up. –

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it. –

I'm not running away from hard work, I'm too lazy to run. –

Paper cut: A tree's final moment of revenge. –

Of course I talk to myself... sometimes I need expert advice. -

Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now that's confusing. -

I hate mosquitoes. I mean, I know I am delicious, but I don't give out free samples. –

Bought a talking parrot today and I’m going to teach him to say

"Help, I've been turned into a parrot." -

There's something missing in my life, I just don't know if it's a puppy, a person, or a slice of pizza. –

I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. Does that make me a time traveler? –

My decision making skills are as good as a squirrel that's crossing the street. –
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done. -

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT


My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather aloof looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo , so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat ,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'

SEX with Ghosts

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"



About 90 students raise their hands.



"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"



About 40 students raised their hands.



"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"



About 15 students raise their hand.



"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"



Three students raise their hands.



"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"



Way in the back, Billy Bob raises his hand.



The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."



The Middle Tennessee student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Billy Bob , tell us what it's like to make love with a ghost?"




Billy Bob replied, "Sh--, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

AARP- American Association of Retired People
Questions and Answers from
AARP Forum
Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find
younger women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under
Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going
through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can
finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to
live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is
mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be
found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt
...."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your
over-70 year-old husband?

A: Tell him you're
pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the
elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your
glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet
and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them
out..
Q: Why should 70-plus year old people use valet
parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your
car.
Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have
problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it
is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the
afternoon.
Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye
glasses?

A: On their
foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus
year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember
these!"
SMILE,
You've still got your sense of
humor, haven't you?

Stout middle aged man stands on bathroom scale and pulls
in his stomach. His wife,passing the open door asks 'Do you
think that helps?'
'Yes' he smiles 'I can see the readout numbers now!'

The lady was a devoted churchgoer who attended services and taught
Sunday School every week.

One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.

He noted what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said
"Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"

"Why, yes, that would be nice", the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.
On Tuesday, he picked the lady up and took her to the finest
restaurant in that part of South Carolina .

When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested:
"Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood.
"What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until
After dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked:
"Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness, no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday
School class if I did!"

Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car
and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.
He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose and ventured forth with: "Ahhh, how would you like to stop at this motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right
then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in! The next
morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible
lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first.

He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin' lying there in the bed and with
remorse thought: "What the hell have I done?"

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing,
Whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

The lady said: "The same thing I always tell them,

'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ..

..."Well, sh--, that explains why no one was at church either."

Our society is doomed.............

IDIOT SIGHTING
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please".
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know, I already got that side. ' This was at the Honda dealership in Canton, MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.’ Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.


now for the best IDIOT SIGHTING of all
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name,she said,
"the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us......and they VOTE and have babies.

For all of us who are seniors...
The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends:
When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will!

Why Teachers Continue To Drink Heavily
The following questions were in last year’s GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination (These are genuine answers).

Q What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty,
he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house, they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)

Q What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(So true)

Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal
cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U

Q What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.

Q What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work.)

Q Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section.'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit.)

Q What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)

Q What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
(brilliant)

Q Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

bikemech said:

More potty humor...

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

Click to expand...

This one broke the 10-year-old. She asked for jokes, so I started going back through this thread.

Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what:
Metal
Wood
Stone
Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince's pants??





















M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What on earth were you thinking?
I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!

Thanks....I now have coffee all over my tablet.

Ha! Ya got me, Nickie. I guess I really am a dirty ol' man. ld: