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Thread: Today's Chuckle

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    Tampa Bay, FL
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    6,818

    Default Today's Chuckle

    Back by popular demand....I can't promise a funny story every day, but I'll do my best.
    Here's the first of many (I hope)

    A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

    Passenger: "Who?"

    Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

    Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

    Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.He was an amazing guy."

    Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

    Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and whichfork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

    Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

    Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

    Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

    Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f***ing widow."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
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    2,646

    Default

    Top one...gave me my early morning chuckle...

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    Default

    John inherited a parrot whose every other word was a cussword.

    Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
    yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and
    even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands,
    grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

    For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
    Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
    minute.
    Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
    freezer.

    The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said
    "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
    I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
    fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
    behavior."

    John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude
    As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change
    in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,
    "May I ask what the turkey did?"
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Location
    Estonia
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    Default

    Brilliant!

    I got my chuckle! And I really needed one today. Thanks!

    I hope you'll keep it going!

  5. #5
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    Nov 2011
    Location
    Alaska USA
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    Default

    Oh, do keep it going! Those are great! Thanks.
    Randy

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Twin Cities, MN
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    29,041

    Default

    Great Thanksgiving joke. Thanks.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Port Hope, Ontario, Canada
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    Default

    I've always liked this one...perhaps not quite as funny when you clean up the language, but this is a family site:

    A grocery clerk was busy stacking cans when a woman tapped him on the shoulder and asked, "Could you tell me where the broccoli is?"
    "I'm sorry Ma'am," said the clerk, "but we're all out of broccoli."
    The woman went back to her shopping and the clerk went back to stacking cans.
    A few minutes later the clerk felt another tap on the shoulder and the woman said, "Excuse me, but I still can't seem to find the broccoli."
    "We don't have any more broccoli Ma'am, but there should be plenty tomorrow."
    The clerk went back to stacking the cans, but, sure enough in about five minutes he felt another tap on the shoulder.
    "Could you please help me find the broccoli," asked the woman.
    "Yes, but first, could you answer a couple of questions for me?" asked the clerk.
    The woman agreed and the clerk asked, "How do you spell cat as in catastrophe?"
    "C-A-T," said the woman.
    "Right!" said the clerk. "Now how do you spell dog as in dogmatic?"
    "D-O-G," said the woman.
    "Right!" said the clerk. "And how do you spell freak as in broccoli?"
    "There's no freak in broccoli," said the woman.
    "Right!" said the clerk.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    Tampa Bay, FL
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    Default

    I became confused when I heard the word " Service " used with these agencies:
    Internal Revenue 'Service'
    U.S. Postal 'Service'
    Telephone 'Service'
    Cable TV 'Service'
    Civil 'Service'
    State, City, County & Public 'Service'
    Customer 'Service'

    This is what I thought 'Service' meant.


    But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
    BAM !!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing.

    I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
    Location
    Southern California
    Posts
    2,929

    Default

    A man opened his refrigerator door and found a squirrel sitting on the cottage cheese box.

    "Wha-- What are you doing here?" The man stammered.

    "Isn't this a Westinghouse?" Answered the squirrel.

    "Yes, but--but I don't see what that . . ."

    "Well," interrupted the squirrel. "I'm westing"
    Kala "Spalted" baritone - Lo D GBD
    Kala tenor eight string - gG cC EE AA

    Luna "Peace" concert - Lo - G CEA
    Flea "Red" concert - Hi-G CEA -
    Kala "Exotic Mahogany" soprano - Hi-A DF#B

    Mahalo yellow "Smiley" soprano (Dad's Day gift) - C
    Ka-Lai Pineapple soprano (old) gift - C

    Two ukes are better than one. Uh, what’s better than two?

    God gave us old age so we wouldn't mind dying so much.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    2,646

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Nickie View Post
    I became confused when I heard the word " Service " used with these agencies:
    Internal Revenue 'Service'
    U.S. Postal 'Service'
    Telephone 'Service'
    Cable TV 'Service'
    Civil 'Service'
    State, City, County & Public 'Service'
    Customer 'Service'

    This is what I thought 'Service' meant.


    But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
    BAM !!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing.

    I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.

    Ah ,
    Now reminds me of this OOOoooooold one.......

    A young maiden, the farmer's daughter, was tripping her way down the country path and leading a delightful young cow .
    A Vicar passing said "Hello ,Young Lady ,and where are you going leading that delightful young cow?" The Young Maiden replied ...

    "Down to the bottom field so that she can be serviced by the Bull"

    Somewhat discomfited and embarrassed the Vicar spluttered ..

    "But ,but, but...shouldn't your father do that ?"

    Young Maiden " Oh no reverend ...it has to be the Bull !!"

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