Today's Chuckle

I had amnesia once --- maybe twice.

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I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
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Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
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If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
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What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
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They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
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Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up,
he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
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Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
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One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
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My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.
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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
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How can there be self-help "groups"?
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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
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Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
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Is it me— or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

THE TINY CABIN

A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation) "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school .


So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.

One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one Will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

Sure," said the janitor.



He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads In the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptized!"

When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick,
Because they pour the water on you."

"We're not Babtis,
Because they dunk all of you in the water."


"We're not Methdiss,
Because they just sprinkle water on you."


The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'


"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"

First Letter Home -- A Farm Kid Joins the Marines



Dear Ma and Pa,


I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up
quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do
before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop,

feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of
weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food,

but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their
food, plus yours, holds you until noonwhen you get fed again. It's no wonder these city

boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A
"route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all
ride back in trucks.


The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like
the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't
bother you none.


This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.

All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own
cartridges. They come in boxes.


Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break
real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they

got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined
up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and
near 250 pounds dry.


Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this setup and come stampeding in.



Your loving daughter,


Alice

Jeff Foxworthy on Illinois:

If your last governor is headed for prison and the governor before him is already there, you might live in Illinois.
If your latest US Senator lied to get the job, you might live in Illinois.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Illinois.
If someone in a store offers you assistance & they don't work there, you might live in Illinois.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Illinois.
If you have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Illinois.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Illinois.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Illinois.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Illinoisian WHEN:

1. Vacation means going north or south on I-55 or I-57 for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from heat to AC in the same day and back again.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and know how to use them.
9. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
11. You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, road construction, & It's F-in' Hot.
12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
13. Down south means Missouri to you.
14. A brat is something you eat.
15. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
16. You go out to a tailgate party every Friday night.
17. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
18. You find 0 degrees a "little chilly."

Senior Love.......

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
Seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

A friend of ours was a Staff Sister in a hospital in the East Midlands, NHS.

She was invited to a departmental meeting to discuss ways of improving various departments.

When it came to "How to Improve The Mortuary ?"
someone said "Fridge Magnets".

Our friend was not asked to any more departmental meetings.

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took
the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He
advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a
lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she
let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to
announce to the entire cabi n,
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah ..
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. ! ! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date pr oceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

A teacher's story :

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raised her hand.'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'F--- off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield..........

Because he said ....

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

MY FAVORITE:

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Great! Very, very funny as always. ld:

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,"This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' "

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was
encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end
our sentences with a preposition, because we
could end up with a dangling participle.

Another great one! Much appreciated by an old Enlish Major. ld:

At the welfare office . . . A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. "wow," the social worker exclaims, "are they all yours?" ...
"yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "sit down terry." all the children rush to find seats.

"well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

''well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named terry, and the girls are all named terri."

in disbelief, the case worker says, "are you serious? They're all named terry?"

their momma replied, "well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and readyforschool , i yell, 'terry!', and when it's time for dinner, i just yell 'terry!' and they all come a running. And if i need to stop the kid who's running into the street, i just yell 'terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea i ever had, naming them all terry."

the social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "but what if you just want one kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"then i call them by their last names."

Really...

Inappropriate in my opinion but I guess I could be in the minority ...

SENIOR DRIVER
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.
"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,
'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

An old woman was asked....
"At your ripe old age, what would you prefer to get: Parkinson's or
Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson’s.....Better to spill half my
wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."

Sorry Greg McHugh, I can't please everyone. But that's not why I'm here. I'm here to make people laugh, as many as possible. I have a sense of humor that is so open, I can't be offended any more. Just to let you know, I don't pass on every joke I read/hear....

Nickie, no problem, this is the first one of yours that I felt went over the line. But that is the way it is with humor, as you said you can't please everyone and just about every joke has the potential to offend someone. Keep them coming...