Today's Chuckle

Julius Caesar walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers please".
 
What do you get when you cross a Shamrock with poison ivy?






A rash of good luck!
 
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For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.
 
Funny, that one takes the cake! Perhaps the second best prostitution comeback was by Bernard Shaw. He was speaking at a party once, saying that everyone would agree to do anything for money...if the price was high enough.

`Surely not,' replied a woman.

`Oh yes,' he said.

`Well, I wouldn't,' she said.

`Oh yes you would,' he replied. 'For instance, would you sleep with me for...a million pounds?'

`Well,' she pondered, `Maybe for a million I would, yes.'

`Would you do it for ten shillings?' asked Bernard Shaw.

`Certainly not!' said the woman `What do you take me for, a prostitute?'

`We've established that you are already,' said Bernard Shaw. `We're just trying to fix your price now!'




For anyone who thinks a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.


My mom never saw the irony of calling me a son of a bitch.
 
$5.37

That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.


I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.


Having already handed the


kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change


when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.


He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me .


"Only $4.68 " he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?


A mere child!


Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.


Was he blind?


As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil .


Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought.


I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,


and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something


and jingled it in front of me,


like I could be that easily distracted!


What am I now?


A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"


I stared with utter disdain at the keys.


I began to rationalize in my mind!
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!


It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.
 
Lloyd was teeing off from the back tees. He hit a terrifically hard shot.

Unknown to him, his wife Jean was about to tee off from the red tees and was directly in front of him.

The ball hit Jean in the temple and killed her instantly.

A few days later Lloyd received a call from the coroner concerning her autopsy.

"Lloyd, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple. Is that correct?"

"Yes sir," Lloyd replied, "that's correct."

"Well, Lloyd, I also found a large bruise on Jean's right hip. Do you know anything about that?"

"Yes sir," Lloyd said, "but it's kind of embarrassing."

"I need to know everything before I can make a ruling," the coroner said. "And don't worry: believe me, I've heard everything."

"Well, OK," Lloyd said. "The bruise was from my mulligan."
 
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of
furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could
find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a
line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new
acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.


As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite
crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in
the house.


Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked
him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he
motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.


He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a
napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She
nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,
and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.


They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group
playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another
napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.


She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed
and the band was packing up.


Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
four-poster bed.


To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the
furniture business.
 
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible.
 
Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..

5) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap .



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
How true this one is.
At age 4 success is . … ... Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is ... . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is ..... . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . ... . Having money.
At age 50 success is . .. .. Having money.
At age 70 success is . ... . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is ... ... Having friends.
At age 80 success is . .. .. Not piddling in your pants.
 
Very funny especially SUCCESS. I laughed so hard I fell on the floor . . . then I found a quarter under the chair and checked for anything under the sofa.

Laughing a lot is the only way to get through old age. :eek:ld:
 
A man walks into a bar with a palomino horse. The horse approaches the bar and says "Pint of your best please"
The barman turns to the guy
'Out! We don't serve you type here!'
To which the horse replies "So what type of horse do you serve?"
 
A mushroom walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender takes a good look at him and says "Sorry, we don't serve your kind in here." The dejected mushroom replies, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender draws him a cold brew and asks, "So, why the long face?"
 
An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.



"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model."



"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.



Just then the young woman approached the aged couple and gave them the keys. "There you go," she said. "I told you I would get the dope to reduce it. See you later, grandpa.”



Never mess with the elderly!
 
A mushroom walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender takes a good look at him and says "Sorry, we don't serve your kind in here." The dejected mushroom replies, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender draws him a cold brew and asks, "So, why the long face?"

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
 
Heard on today's News12 NJ morning news:

Why are FROGS such happy eaters?











Because they EAT what BUGS them.


Har Har Har. :)
 
Elk Sex...



Two Norwegians are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"



"Aww, sh--!" says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"
 
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