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Thread: Today's Chuckle

  1. #11
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    Jewish Wife's Unexpected Arrival



    Yankelea's wife Feige came home early and found Yankele in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

    Feige was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a Get (Jewish divorce) right away!'

    And Yankele replied, 'Hang on just a minute Feige so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

    And Yankele began -- 'Vell, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took rachmones [**pity ] **on her and let her into the car.

    I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

    So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the luckshen kugel I made for you last night, the food you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

    Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

    Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer outfit that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say it's too tight.

    I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

    I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Chanukah that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.

    Yankele took a quick breath and continued - She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use.....
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  2. #12
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
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    New Jersey, USA
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    From my mother to me to you:
    Wendy -- UkeCan1 of Uke Can Play Too!
    YouTube:
    Uke Can 1 | Uke On! Band | Uke Can Play Too! | The Prosperous Artist
    Facebook: Uke On! Band | Uke Can Play Too! | The Prosperous Artist Revolution

    Ukes:
    Tiki Uki = soprano Tiki Flea, Epi Leadshredder = Les Paul Epiphone concert
    Pocky = Kala Pocket Uke sopranissimo, Chili = Mainland soprano Chili Pepper Uke
    Minnie (hot pink, "Happy to Be Me!), Mickey (bright blue), and Sophia (lavender) First Act "mini guitars"

    If you're a Seasonista, come join the Seasonista Facebook group! (PM me)
    If you're not (YET!), come play with us in the Seasons of the Ukulele ... it's easy and fun

  3. #13
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    SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL.
    AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING THE DUST FROM HER FACE
    AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE
    SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKY
    IN THE OTHER.

    THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND
    LAUGHED, SAYING, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
    THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID,
    "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

    A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND
    SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND
    STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

    THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER
    TOE BLOWN OFF -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY
    WAS LAUGHING.

    WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUN-
    SLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED
    AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

    THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A
    DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

    THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT
    AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

    THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE
    TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST
    DEAFENING.

    THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT
    OLD WOMEN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN
    BARRELS.

    THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD
    WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER
    LICKED A MULE'S ASS?" THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD
    AND SAID, "NO MAM.....BUT......I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."

    THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:


    1 - Never be arrogant

    2 - Don't waste ammunition.

    3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

    4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

    5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.

    I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  4. #14
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
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    Sonoran Desert USA
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    Nickie, you are fu#&ing awesome!!

    Thanks
    cletus

  5. #15
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    An ethnic joke.....


    A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

    Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

    The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

    The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

    The Taliban shouted
    hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!”

    "Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."

    "Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but . . . I must conserve my energy and find water!"

    "Okay," said the little old Jewish man. “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me,or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace."

    Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.

    Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped,


    "They won't let me in without a tie!”
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  6. #16
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
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    Saw this on Ebay....At least it IS a UKE " bridge "

    http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Banjolele-...16.m2518.l4276

  7. #17
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    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding..



    Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
    Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

    Older Woman: Oh, I see.
    Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

    Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

    Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

    Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

    Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Older Woman: I can't do that.

    Traffic Cop: Why not?

    Older Woman: I stole this car.

    Traffic Cop: Stole it?

    Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Traffic Cop: You what!?
    Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

    The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

    Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

    Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.The traffic cop is quite stunned.

    Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

    The officer examines the license quizzically.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

    Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  8. #18
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    The potty

    a little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand.

    His mother says: "billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."

    billy says: "i'm fine, mommy. I just haven't gone potty yet."

    mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes, but, billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

    billy says: "works for ketchup."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  9. #19
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    Capital District, New York
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    Quote Originally Posted by fynger View Post
    Saw this on Ebay....At least it IS a UKE " bridge "

    http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Banjolele-...16.m2518.l4276
    It took me a moment - I just read the description - and then I stopped reading, and looked at the photos.


    Now THAT is funny!


    -Kurt
    Ken Timms Soprano
    Moku MS-90S * Waterman G-I-T-D * National Triolian Reso * Bugsgear Aqualele * Donaldson Concert *
    Rosewood Vita Uke * Waverly Street #38 * Ko'Aloha Sceptre Tenor * Ohana Vita Uke * FireFly banjo uke
    Epiphone Les Paul Ukulele * Republic Concert * Fluke Tenor M22 * Kala KA-KTG-CT Cedar Top
    Cordoba 20TM * 1950's Harmony soprano *1920's era Stella banjo uke
    guitars and a 5-string banjo

    Am I done?

    ...naw...

    My YouTube Channel

  10. #20
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
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    Southern California
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    I'm sorry ksiegel, but I just don't get it! I've looked at the darned thing two or three times. Huh?
    Kala "Spalted" baritone - Lo D GBD
    Kala tenor eight string - gG cC EE AA

    Luna "Peace" concert - Lo - G CEA
    Flea "Red" concert - Hi-G CEA -
    Kala "Exotic Mahogany" soprano - Hi-A DF#B

    Mahalo yellow "Smiley" soprano (Dad's Day gift) - C
    Ka-Lai Pineapple soprano (old) gift - C

    Two ukes are better than one. Uh, what’s better than two?

    God gave us old age so we wouldn't mind dying so much.

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