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Thread: Today's Chuckle

  1. #411
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    Apr 2014
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    Terriffic post, Nickie. I certainly "understood" them all, but they're much funnier when they happen to someone else.
    Kala "Spalted" baritone - Lo D GBD
    Kala tenor eight string - gG cC EE AA

    Luna "Peace" concert - Lo - G CEA
    Flea "Red" concert - Hi-G CEA -
    Kala "Exotic Mahogany" soprano - Hi-A DF#B

    Mahalo yellow "Smiley" soprano (Dad's Day gift) - C
    Ka-Lai Pineapple soprano (old) gift - C

    Asthma is not conducive to singing or even whistling.

    God gave us old age so we wouldn't mind dying so much.

  2. #412
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    Dec 2010
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    Thanks Dick.

    Here's one about Laws....

    1) Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
    After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

    2) Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
    Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

    3) Kovac's Conundrum:
    When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

    4) Cannon's Karmic Law:
    If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

    5) O'brien's Variation Law:
    If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

    6) BELL'S THEOREM:
    When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

    7) RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS:
    The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

    8) WILLOUGHBY'S LAW:
    When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

    9) ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS:
    The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

    10) BREDA'S RULE:
    At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.

    11) OWEN'S LAW:
    As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold...!!!
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  3. #413
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    ♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?:

    ♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

    ♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

    ♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

    ♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

    ♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

    ♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

    ♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

    ♦ Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

    ♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

    ♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

    ♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, ďHere, fill this out?Ē

    ♦ I canít understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older womenís clothing line named, ď Sag Harbor Ē

    ♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. Iím pretty sure she was hitting on me.

    ♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and Iím worried about the 175 pounds Iíve gained since then.

    ♦ Dennyís has a slogan, ďIf itís your birthday, the meal is on us.Ē If youíre in Dennyís and itís your birthday, your life sucks!

    ♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. Iím pretty sure sheís going to get me something.

    ♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

    ♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

    ♦ Money canít buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

    ♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  4. #414
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    If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

    Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

    Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

    Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your a--?
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  5. #415
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    If Women Were Men


    Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
    Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
    PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
    Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
    Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
    A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
    Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
    Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
    "Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
    Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
    Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
    Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks."
    Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
    Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
    Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry," "I love you," "You're beautiful," "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."
    Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
    Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
    All toilet seats would be nailed down.
    Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
    TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
    All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
    During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year-olds.
    Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
    After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
    For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  6. #416
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    Dec 2010
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    Capital District, New York
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    O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:

    Murphy was an optimist.
    Ken Timms Soprano
    Moku MS-90S * Waterman G-I-T-D * National Triolian Reso * Bugsgear Aqualele * Donaldson Concert *
    Rosewood Vita Uke * Waverly Street #38 * Ko'Aloha Sceptre Tenor * Ohana Vita Uke * FireFly banjo uke
    Epiphone Les Paul Ukulele * Republic Concert * Fluke Tenor M22 * Kala KA-KTG-CT Cedar Top
    Cordoba 20TM * 1950's Harmony soprano *1920's era Stella banjo uke
    guitars and a 5-string banjo

    Am I done?

    ...naw...

    My YouTube Channel

  7. #417
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    It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.*

    *After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for
    the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!*

    *Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a
    trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said
    Claude.*

    *The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from
    his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.*

    *"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the
    watch high for all to see "It's a very special and valuable watch that has
    been in my family for six generations," said Claude.*

    *He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
    "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch"*

    *The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.*

    *The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming
    surfaces.*

    *A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently
    swaying watch.*

    *They were all hypnotised.*

    *And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the
    stage and burst apart on impact.*

    *"SH--," shouted Claude.*

    *It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Centre
    and Claude was never invited back again.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  8. #418
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    At a wedding ceremony the pastor asked 'if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace'.


    The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor.

    Everything quickly turned to chaos.

    The bride threw the bouquet and burst out crying.

    Then slowly the groom's mother fainted.

    The Best men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

    The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward “What do you have to say?"

    There was absolute silence in the church.

    The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

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