Another Ukulele
Well-known member
Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision
Today's Chuckle
- Thread starter Nickie
- Start date
Another Ukulele
Well-known member
Back in MY day, we had so much toilet paper that we literally strung it up in trees of our enemie.
Another Ukulele
Well-known member
One Christmas tree light to another:
”Remember when this was a Union Shop?”
”If one of us didn’t work, none of us worked!?”
”Remember when this was a Union Shop?”
”If one of us didn’t work, none of us worked!?”
Another Ukulele
Well-known member
In today’s headline, truly
“Most Generation Z are switching jobs. What can be done to retain them”
uhmm, Generation Z is aged 9 to 24.
I didn’t start my career job until I was 25.
“Most Generation Z are switching jobs. What can be done to retain them”
uhmm, Generation Z is aged 9 to 24.
I didn’t start my career job until I was 25.
Another Ukulele
Well-known member
A senior citizen is sitting at a bar when a lovely young woman enters a sits a few seats away. The gentleman gets up, shuffles over and sits beside her. He looks at her, smiles, leans in and asks, “So, do I come here often?”
Ouch.......
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." (You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." (Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.)
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." (All the men sighed with unified relief.)
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." (You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." (Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.)
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." (All the men sighed with unified relief.)
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum
Another Ukulele
Well-known member
My stomach IS flat.
the “L” is just silent.
the “L” is just silent.
Ukecaster
Well-known member
Here's a couple. The first, I sent to my friend, who is a conductor. He hasn't responded yet, I hope he wasn't offended. 
Here's a joke told to me by a coworker:
A king asks wizard for advice on how to live long.
A wizard gives a king a small box and tell him to open it when he feels excited.
Soon, the kingdom is involved in a war, and te king opens the box. Inside the box are the words: "this will pass".
That calmed the king and true enough, the war comes to an end.
Later, the kingdom is facing a sever drought. The king opens the box and the words "this will pass" appears.
That calmed the king, and eventually the drought ends.
LAter, the king's daughter is marrying and theking is overjoyed.
Remembering the wizard's advice, the king opens the box.
The words "this too will pass" appears.
A king asks wizard for advice on how to live long.
A wizard gives a king a small box and tell him to open it when he feels excited.
Soon, the kingdom is involved in a war, and te king opens the box. Inside the box are the words: "this will pass".
That calmed the king and true enough, the war comes to an end.
Later, the kingdom is facing a sever drought. The king opens the box and the words "this will pass" appears.
That calmed the king, and eventually the drought ends.
LAter, the king's daughter is marrying and theking is overjoyed.
Remembering the wizard's advice, the king opens the box.
The words "this too will pass" appears.
Here're some originals that my son and I enjoy during chess play:
Let's crush someone, or get crushed.
Oh, a family fork. yum. yum.
Resigning just means your king gets executed.
This is Chig-able. (Chigorin)
We have good times playing casual games. I should record it some time; lots of funny happenings.
Let's crush someone, or get crushed.
Oh, a family fork. yum. yum.
Resigning just means your king gets executed.
This is Chig-able. (Chigorin)
We have good times playing casual games. I should record it some time; lots of funny happenings.
Another Ukulele
Well-known member
This holiday season plan on hanging a sprig of mistletoe on the backside of my belt. That way, if I meet someone I truly dislike, I can simple turnaround and face the other direction.
Voran
Well-known member
- Joined
- Oct 3, 2021
- Messages
- 2,675
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Oooh I miss being young and stupid. Being young and stupid was great fun.
I miss metal concerts. I miss moshing. I miss the time I tried to knock down a metal barrier for fun, didn't quite manage it, so I got 4 of my much bigger male friends to throw me through it.
They're married with kids now, and not much inclined to moshing or using people as missiles.
Where did Sharon McAuliff go vacationing?
I found it super funny because it was told during school and we got into trouble for saying it. I still remember it all these years. However, many (including my wife) thinks its tasteless. So, answer is in white All over Florida
Here's another original:
Do you know what a dead pixel looks like on your screen?
.
And a few from the good old days of rec.humor that I remember:
What's blue and under water? A dead baby.
Your mama is so fat, she had to walk thru doors side ways.
I found it super funny because it was told during school and we got into trouble for saying it. I still remember it all these years. However, many (including my wife) thinks its tasteless. So, answer is in white All over Florida
Here's another original:
Do you know what a dead pixel looks like on your screen?
.
And a few from the good old days of rec.humor that I remember:
What's blue and under water? A dead baby.
Your mama is so fat, she had to walk thru doors side ways.
OP
OP
Nickie
Well-known member
plunker
Well-known member
Alexa why do I have such trouble with relationships with women?
This is Siri........
This is Siri........
Boy: My little brother will act like a chicken if you given me a buck.
Woman: Is he just going to say "cluck"?
Boy: No way. I won't be doing any cheap tricks like that. He's going to eat a worm.
Cop: You're pushing 60.
Woman: How rude! I'm only 30.
What happens when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat miner.
Diner: This chicken is nothing but meat and bones.
Waiter: Yes sir, would you like the feathers too?
Woman: Is he just going to say "cluck"?
Boy: No way. I won't be doing any cheap tricks like that. He's going to eat a worm.
Cop: You're pushing 60.
Woman: How rude! I'm only 30.
What happens when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat miner.
Diner: This chicken is nothing but meat and bones.
Waiter: Yes sir, would you like the feathers too?
OP
OP
Nickie
Well-known member
Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.
Theirs will be first on the schedule.
The older boy leans over and asks, "What are you having done?"
The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."
The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?"
The first boy says, "Circumcision."
"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.
"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."
Theirs will be first on the schedule.
The older boy leans over and asks, "What are you having done?"
The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."
The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?"
The first boy says, "Circumcision."
"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.
"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”
The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”
“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”
“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”
The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”
“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”
“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”
