Today's Chuckle

Another Ukulele said:

I want a life that I don’t need to take a vacation fro.

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Like owning a little walk up bar on some tropical beach?

Two peanuts went into a bar. One was a salted.

I consulted a landscape gardener. He said he couldn't help me, 'cos my garden is portrait.

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and forcefully drags him into his office. The zookeeper then explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. The next morning, before visitors arrive at the zoo, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not about to lose the attention of the adoring crowd, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.



Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "HELP! HELP ME!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion when he suddenly hears the lion whisper: "Shut up you idiot! You wanna get us both fired?

Down Up Dick said:

A man opened his refrigerator door and found a squirrel sitting on the cottage cheese box.

"Wha-- What are you doing here?" The man stammered.

"Isn't this a Westinghouse?" Answered the squirrel.

"Yes, but--but I don't see what that . . ."

"Well," interrupted the squirrel. "I'm westing"

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Now we’re getting into my dads humor.

Rickbuck99 said:

Now we’re getting into my dads humor.

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I am very pleased to see that, in my area, we are coming back to normal. With trepidation I went to one of my favourite restaurants yesterday. There weren’t too many patrons....and in a way I felt a sense of security in this.

I am beginning to believe that all this talk about the paucity of workers in the service industry is true. I noticed three new waitresses .... a very pleasant woman came over to take my order.... after looking at the menu, and it being such a long time since I’ve been out in a public place.... the choice available was almost overwhelming.....finally I asked did she have any lobster tails to which she responded....” Once upon a time there was a handsome young lobster......”

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the

shopkeeper

“Does your dog bite?”

The shopkeeper says, “No, he doesn’t bite.”

The man then tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.

“Ouch,” says the man, “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!”

“That’s not my dog."

rps said:

A guy in a restaurant stops a pretty waitress as she passes by his table.

"Excuse me, Miss. Can I ask you a question about the menu, please?"

She threw a drink in his face.

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

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HAHAHAHA! Good one. Thanks for cheering me up, I'm rather laid up with a cold/vestibular infection.

Anyone else got off color jokes?

How's this Voran?

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest . . ."

Jim Yates said:

How's this Voran?

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest . . ."

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Hahahaha! Good one.

A young woman was pulled over in Tampa Florida for speeding. As the Florida State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Florida State Police Ball." He replied, Florida State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

Yesterday after church, I was walking behind 2 elderly women out to the parking lot. I overheard one of them say' "That was such a long sermon, my butt fell asleep." The other lady replied, "I know, I heard it snoring."

HAHAHA! Good ones Nickie!

Why I am divorced.......... Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there.... on the couch....
naked.

Nickie said:

Why I am divorced.......... Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there.... on the couch....
naked.

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LOLOLOLOL! Good one!

That's not funny - it's tragic.

The music was loud, so I timed my farts to the beat.

I wondered why everyone on the bus gave me weird looks. Then I remembered I was wearing headphones.

An 84-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.

Through his tears, the old man answers, "I'm in love with a 22-year-old woman."

"Well, what's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers,

"You don't understand, every morning before she goes to work,

we make love. At lunch time, she comes home and we make love again,and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me the best time an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love.”

He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship! Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?"

The senile old man answers, again through his tears:

"I can't remember where I live!"

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch." The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, so they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

If you hand someone a container of butane...

You just passed gas.