Today's Chuckle

Some lame riddles.

"Did you hear about the man that was hit in the head with a coke bottle?
He is o.k., ... it was a soft drink".

"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
Everything is o.k., the kid woke up"

"What did the duck say at the drug store when he bought some lipstick?
Put it on my bill."
 
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
 
True story, names changed to protect the [innocent]:
A small-town Georgia lawyer agrees to represent the very talented but somewhat wayward young man who hand-paints wooden signs for the same attorney's side business of real estate development. In lieu of a retainer, the client agrees to paint a certain volume of signs for free.
It's a paternity case in which the young female plaintiff alleges that the sign painter is the father of her now-six-month-old son and should be financially supporting her and the child. In turn, the sign painter insists that any of several local men could be the real father.
The case comes to court. As the Defendant and his lawyer sit next to each other on the left side of the courtroom awaiting the judge's appearance, the lawyer hears the rear door open, then sees, out of the corner of his right eye, an attractive young woman approaching, cradling a rather large baby in her arms. She takes a seat on on the same row but on the opposite side of the aisle, facing the judge's bench.
Somewhat bored, the attorney leans forward to stretch his aching back and neck, which leaves him glancing briefly in the young woman's direction. As he does so, the baby boy happens to be facing him.
The resemblance is as if God had ever-so-slightly shrunk the sign painter's head and placed on a baby's body. The hair color and style is identical. The ruddy complexion is spot-on.
Visibly shaken but attempting nonchalance, the attorney leans backward rather more briskly than intended. In response, the sign painter briefly glances toward the baby boy he'd presumably never seen. Seemingly unaffected, he then leans toward his attorney and whispers, grinning,
"Reckon we orta plead guilty?"
 
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to
the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although
their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were
concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently
declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the
problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at
breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the
table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are
for your father.
 
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
a.. Indubitably
b.. Innovative
c.. Preliminary
d.. Proliferation
e.. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
a.. Specificity
b.. British Constitution
c.. Passive-aggressive disorder
d.. Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
a.. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
b.. Nope, no more booze for me
c.. Sorry, but you're not really my type
d.. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
e.. Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
 
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!"
He said, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
 
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by
Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said,
you must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and
pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled
out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're
bells."

Saint Peter said you may pass through the
pearly gates.

The third man started searching
desperately through his pockets and finally pulled
out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow
and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."
 
A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed, on
her bed and squealing with delight

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care , what you think.
I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.
 
True story, names changed to protect the [innocent]:
A small-town Georgia lawyer agrees to represent the very talented but somewhat wayward young man who hand-paints wooden signs for the same attorney's side business of real estate development. In lieu of a retainer, the client agrees to paint a certain volume of signs for free.
It's a paternity case in which the young female plaintiff alleges that the sign painter is the father of her now-six-month-old son and should be financially supporting her and the child. In turn, the sign painter insists that any of several local men could be the real father.
The case comes to court. As the Defendant and his lawyer sit next to each other on the left side of the courtroom awaiting the judge's appearance, the lawyer hears the rear door open, then sees, out of the corner of his right eye, an attractive young woman approaching, cradling a rather large baby in her arms. She takes a seat on on the same row but on the opposite side of the aisle, facing the judge's bench.
Somewhat bored, the attorney leans forward to stretch his aching back and neck, which leaves him glancing briefly in the young woman's direction. As he does so, the baby boy happens to be facing him.
The resemblance is as if God had ever-so-slightly shrunk the sign painter's head and placed on a baby's body. The hair color and style is identical. The ruddy complexion is spot-on.
Visibly shaken but attempting nonchalance, the attorney leans backward rather more briskly than intended. In response, the sign painter briefly glances toward the baby boy he'd presumably never seen. Seemingly unaffected, he then leans toward his attorney and whispers, grinning,
"Reckon we orta plead guilty?"
Delayed punchline: Lawyer glances back toward the very attractive young mother before replying to his client's question, "No. we're gonna plead insanity. The fact that you didn't propose marriage is clear evidence."
 
Three strings walk into a bar. The first string says confidently, "I've got the first round, boys," and strides up to the bar. Bartender says, "Are you a string?" String says, "Yeah." Bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve strings here." String returns to his buddies, red-faced. "Looks like we aren't getting drinks after all, boys."

String #2 steps up and says, "Don't worry, I'll take care of this." He glides up, drops a twenty on the bar and shouts, "Three whiskeys for me and my buddies, friend!" Bartender looks him up and down, takes his twenty, and says, "Are you a string?" String #2 stands there dumbstruck, unable to even form even the simplest of replies. Bartender says, "Listen, pal, like I told your friend over there, we don't serve strings. Now, beat it."

"Well," says String #2 to his buddies, "That's that. It's over. Let's just go."

But just then, String #3 has an idea. He ties himself up in a big knot, frays the ends of himself with his pocketknife, and sidles up to the bar. "I'd like three whiskeys, please." Bartender looks at him and says, "Are you a string?"

"No" he says to the bartender, "I'm a frayed knot."
 
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
 
A fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The pilot says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast..."
 
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:

(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row, please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered.

Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole"

The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.

As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.

"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ."

"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church .."

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "
 
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