Irked

Something has been irking me for a while now. So, I thought I'd just get it off my chest, so to speak. Not too long ago, I made a comment on the forum about not liking a self inking chord stamp I had. I thought it was too big, and wanted a smaller one. Another UU forum member PM'd me and asked if I might send the one I didn't like to him. So, I did. I didn't ask anything for it, and I paid a few dollars in postage to get it to him. And you know, I never heard a word from him. No "thank you," no acknowledgement that he got it, no "Go to Hell," nothing. I'm confident he got it, because I sent him a PM telling him that I was sending it. If it hadn't arrived, I'm sure he would have asked about it. I mean, how rude is that? I was and remain shocked about the situation. It sure causes me to hesitate about showing any generosity toward fellow members. Have any of you had such an experience?

I don't know why I'm still sometimes boggled by this kind of behavior, probably because it has never made sense to me.

I just read a line from Rolling Stone in an article about Trump to the effect that "America is trending stupid", and to that I will add "and rude". Bad parenting, the ME generation, narcissistic sense of entitlement, all the new normal for a lot of the population. Still some great people in the world though so don't let it bug you too much, and don't let it make you want to paint everyone with the same brush.

I gave a street beggar my new $20 cap last week to keep the sun off her head, she was so very grateful. The next day she wasn't wearing it when I drove by in my 1997 beater, and was still out in the hot sun bare headed, I guess to earn more hats. Ah, well, the point was that I did something I felt good about. That's the reward.

First of all, I commend you on your Aloha spirit. :cheers: Reaction of the recipient is not typical UU behavior in my experience. Have they been active on the forum after the event? There could be a logical explanation like medical emergency, computer crashed, house burned down, etc. Or they could just be a jerk.

I'm surprised at the gall of asking for the stamp in the first place, especially if they didn't offer to pay something for it or at the very least, pay for the postage. Yes, it's rude, thoughtless and ungrateful.

mikelz777 said:

I'm surprised at the gall of asking for the stamp in the first place, especially if they didn't offer to pay something for it or at the very least, pay for the postage. Yes, it's rude, thoughtless and ungrateful.

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I don't want to judge anyone without knowing the circumstances too, but the person could at least have offered to pay the postage, that probably was a good sign to notice.
I must say though not all members are rude/jerks, we have alot of good ones... its a couple bad ones that makes the
Forum look bad. Nobody recognizes the good ones only the ones who hurt them.

I once disparaged a book of classical guitar exercises on a guitar forum, and some fellow I didn't know asked for it. I sent it to him with the understanding that he'd send something back in return.

Well, at least he said thank you.

I have also had folks send me things, sheet music, magazines, scholarly books, CDs--I think I said thank you in all cases!

I think it's a little bit of an old world custom to pass things on in the music world. Kudos to you for keeping the tradition alive.

Well, I've noticed the same thing.
It's true that more and more people seem to be having a hard time, maybe we're just not as resilient as we used to be. It also looks evident that rudeness (and stupidity) are now at epidemic proportions in this country.
People have too much of the "me 1st" attitude, and the entitlement attitude.
Yet, I know people who don't have it easy, who go out of their way to make other's lives a little easier, like my dear friend and minister Dr. Leddy Hammock. She doesn't play a ukulele, but she has plenty of Aloha spirit!

Yup, I'm with the OP's side on this. I've been asked for info where I've spent a lot of time writing up or I've given stuff away on other forums and not one "Thank you" note. I don't get some people and it kinda makes you want to stop helping others but it's not in my nature to do so.

I understand the OP's frustration. There are studies that have suggested that people who have nice things done for them (like giving or lending money, taking someone in who has no place to stay, etc.) sometimes actually become resentful, perhaps because of discomfort over having been in a position where they needed (or even just accepted) help. This isn't quite that case, but it's similar in the sense that it leaves the person who performed the nice gesture feeling dissed. I've done nice things before for people who turn out to be ungrateful, and I try not to let those experiences convince me to stop doing nice stuff for people. I think Teek hit the nail on the head: the reward has to be in doing something nice, regardless of how the recipient responds. If I find myself doing something because I expect the person for whom I am doing it to be nice in response, then I'm doing the nice thing for the wrong reason.

I've been reluctant to weigh in on this one, but I have certainly been disappointed, in some cases, by the less-than-unanimous display of aloha here. It's mainly been int the areas the OP pointed out, not so much as rudeness or meanness, but a lack of graciousness in some cases.

It does bother me a bit, but Mark and Teek are right - I always do things here because I want to do them, not for the reward. I eventually come back to that, but each time end up with a little less desire to contribute further.

Teek said:

I don't know why I'm still sometimes boggled by this kind of behavior, probably because it has never made sense to me.

I just read a line from Rolling Stone in an article about Trump to the effect that "America is trending stupid", and to that I will add "and rude". Bad parenting, the ME generation, narcissistic sense of entitlement, all the new normal for a lot of the population. Still some great people in the world though so don't let it bug you too much, and don't let it make you want to paint everyone with the same brush.

I gave a street beggar my new $20 cap last week to keep the sun off her head, she was so very grateful. The next day she wasn't wearing it when I drove by in my 1997 beater, and was still out in the hot sun bare headed, I guess to earn more hats. Ah, well, the point was that I did something I felt good about. That's the reward.

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I try to be polite, and if someone gives me something, I say thank you. I'm always surprised how some people treat waiters and waitresses so disrespectfully. As far as people like Trump, I have to wonder when not having a filter, rudely saying whatever comes to mind with no thought, and spewing vitriol all over the place, became an admirable trait in someone. So many people say, "he tells it like it is", but being obnoxious, rude, and condescending is not the same as telling it like it is.

I quote Teek, because I have some experience dealing with people like the beggar, and in all likelihood, she lost the hat ten minutes after she got it, or someone stole it from her. I doubt that she is trying to get hats. People like that find themselves in those circumstances for a reason, and it is because they can not function well. It is a mental illness, and hanging on to something, a hat, is an accomplishment that is beyond their mental capabilities. Give her another one, and the same thing will happen.

For me, if I give someone something, I don't expect much. I figure that either I didn't want it around, cluttering up my life, or I figure that they needed it more than I did. Either way, I wanted to get rid of it, and so I gave it away. I think that it is nice when people are polite and thoughtful, and when they take the time to thank me, or get back to me, but I don't expect that. So if someone is thoughtful toward me, that is sugar. But that is just me. I know that a lot of people want a return, even if it is just a smile, and that is fine and that it is not unreasonable. But that is just how I feel, not how I think others should feel.

I think that if you ask someone to give you something, and it is shipped to you at no cost to you, a sincere, thoughtful thank you is your part of the transaction.

Disappointments with other people happen to all of us, but the people who do kindnesses for others because it pleases them will continue to do them, thank goodness. Having a generosity of spirit is a very high attribute to have.

(Maybe this has now been resolved privately to the OP's satisfaction. I hope so.)

Hey, George, how about sending me your National Steel? I really, really want one. Oh, and Thanks in advance. ld:

It started in my early teens, reading Heinlein's PODKAYNE OF MARS. RAH's narrator describes encountering a polyglot multi-ethnic society (set on a fictional Venus) and finds that always saying THANK YOU gets one better service, and figuring out the other's background and saying THANKS in their native language reaps great rewards -- they might not even demand a tip! That, and "you attract more flies with sugar than with vinegar," stuck with me. I always give appropriate thanks for anything given me or done for me. If I am not thanked for my own gifts or efforts, I figure that they're 1) distracted, or 2) exhausted, or 3) a jerk. Whatever -- it's their problem, not mine.

If you act like a jerk, don't be surprised if you're treated as such. What you send out DOES come back to you.

Rllink said:

I try to be polite, and if someone gives me something, I say thank you. I'm always surprised how some people treat waiters and waitresses so disrespectfully. As far as people like Trump, I have to wonder when not having a filter, rudely saying whatever comes to mind with no thought, and spewing vitriol all over the place, became an admirable trait in someone. So many people say, "he tells it like it is", but being obnoxious, rude, and condescending is not the same as telling it like it is.....

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It's been my experience that people seem to like someone who "tells it like it is" until that person is "telling it like it is" to them. The people who like Trump for his "plain speaking" like him because he's demonizing people who AREN'T like them.

Sorry for the hijack. Rant over.

Down Up Dick said:

Hey, George, how about sending me your National Steel? I really, really want one. Oh, and Thanks in advance. ld:

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I think it only right to let the forum members know that we're friends, and that I understand your tongue in cheek suggestion. No, I'll not be sending you my National. I would leave it to you in my will, except that you will be dying first.

Ah, well, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

But really, George, this ain't our world anymore. Nobody cares about the stuff we care about. We Oldies care about manners and doing "the right thing" and obeying laws, but stuff like that is old hat now. I guess that's the way young people want it.

Ahhh, well. So it goes . . . ld:

Who knows the recipient may have been an immature teen...I've learned try not to expect anything back, if I do get,
It means its like a bonus to me...

I've noticed for many years now how so many TV commercials promote selfishness, not sharing, greed and rudeness, obviously to cater to the people who have the same attitude. It's one of the reasons I DVR pretty much everything I watch so I can zoom past those disgusting commercials.