Sharing my uke socially

I’m 64 and have been learning for about 10 months. About a month ago I began to feel ready to play for others – my spouse, my mother & siblings, and at the music school’s open house. Of course they were encouraging! Now it’s the season of get-togethers and we will be visiting numerous old friends not seen since last year (due to a round trip drive of 4 hours, but this time of year we make that drive several times).

So my uke is really the biggest change in my life for the past year, and I have been practicing hard to memorize a few songs, should I be asked to play. This weekend we attended one of these parties, but there wasn’t a good opportunity to play – too much roar – but beyond that, when I was catching up on my news with our host, he didn’t even seem that much interested. He has been a close friend and it took me aback. I had prepared for sharing, but I had not prepared for indifference. I ended up shlepping my uke 100 miles by car, 20 minutes by subway and 15 minutes on foot – and back again, without taking it out of the bag. It turned out playing wasn’t appropriate for that occasion, and that’s fine, but I felt kind of foolish.

It’s not my way to claim the spotlight – rather the opposite - and I certainly don’t want to be annoying by insisting on it, especially since I am not that great at this point. (I do sing well so it shouldn’t be too painful.) But I did think that sharing was one of the primary goals and joys of the uke. I am just wondering how to strike the social balance. If nobody requests it, do I bring my uke out? Perhaps the problem is I unrealistically yearn to be June Allyson in some old movie, hanging out on the porch surrounded by laughing and singing chums. But my chums are mostly nearing retirement and haven’t been in the habit of singing together! Will they ever want to? I don’t know. I never hung around with any musicians. I don’t know how to get started at a party, or when to try.

Just wondering what other experiences have been, sharing and shining when you’ve never been the center of attention.

Look for meet ups in your area. You don't say where you live, but many places there are all kind of opportunities from ukulele groups to open mice to song circles. You can check with local music stores and also search for meet ups on the net.

That's the nice thing about uke. "Schlepping" something that weighs three pounds isn't a huge burden. At least you didn't bring an accordian!

I've found that playing and singing the uke doesn't really fit in with our family get together. My Mother asked me to play something she'd know so I played and sang. After the first couple of measures the playing and singing was used as background noise while she talked to others. I stopped after the first song and the only folks that noticed were other family that play. That was worth a big grin between us. For us it does seem like the conversations are what people do. If it's at our place I still take a uke off the wall and play if she asks for a special song or such but it always goes the same way. When we drive places so I just stick a uke or 2 in the trunk but rarely take them out unless it's with friends who also play guitars or ukes. I've joined lots of local Jams and get my playing and singing that way.

Where do you live? You can come over my house! ( If you live near me, that's a real invatation.)

Now that my Dad is dead, most of my relatives aren't particularly musical so I just don't bother. It's far more fun playing with my musician friends.

One way is to just leave the ukulele (or whatever instrument) in the living room, den or wherever folk tend to gather. Sooner or later someone asks the obvious "Do you play?" question (as if it isn't obvious!). A short response of saying you do, but not at pro level, usually leads to folk asking to hear something. After the first number (one you know cold) then you just see where it goes.

I think you people are mostly on the wrong track. I don't play for other people, mostly for my own amazement. However I would never, ever play for my family. I learned that when I was a young trumpet player.

The suggestion to join a group is a very good idea though. ld:

On occasions, where I might want to play and sing (campfire level), I leave my ukulele in the car, til the point where the party is loosing a bit of its drive. Taking it out then and starting to perform a song that a lot of people know, led to a kind of success.

Down Up Dick said:

I think you people are mostly on the wrong track. I don't play for other people, mostly for my own amazement. However I would never, ever play for my family. I learned that when I was a young trumpet player.

The suggestion to join a group is a very good idea though. ld:

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Overall, I'm like Dick. There are many ways to "prime the performing pump," but my 'druthers are to pick an instrument and just simply enjoy the wonder of it.

Joining a group is not a bad idea. There are a lot of groups, and experimenting with each to find the right fit is a good journey in itself.

My wife and I brought my uke, and my wife's u-bass (and the lunchbox amp) last year to Florida when we visited her parents. One day they had all of the family over for a pre-Christmas lunch kind of thing. A couple of my wife's cousins asked us to play, so we brought everything out and sat on a couch off to the side to play a few tunes. About 5 or so of the family sat down to listen. We weren't really loud and the lunchbox amp can only get so loud. Anyway, my mother-in-law walked by and asked us to play quieter or stop (she meant stop). So we just stopped.

Now this is in total contrast to when we visit my parents - they actually request that we play for them. And on Thanksgiving, we usually play for about 1 hour with one of my nieces (who is 12, and a fantastic guitar and bass player) and have 15 - 20 people listening and singing along.

So, the point is, it is what it is. Just play and don't worry about the other stuff.

Thanks for the feedback. It's interesting that the majority seem to say in essence "forget the friends and family, join a group." I live in a state with a lesser population, so the nearest groups I can find (so far) meet over an hour's drive away; the travel time wouldn't prevent me except that they meet in the evening and my night vision is becoming a problem when driving. Public transportation is almost nil. I'm sure this is not insoluble, I just have to figure it out. (And also, keep looking.)

You can try posting notices that you want to start a uke group at your local music shop or shops. You can list in the Internet Meetups that you want to start a meet up. If you can't find uke players you might find other acoustic instrument players who want to get together. My experience is the same as others - my family and friends, outside of my uke friends, have no interest in hearing me play. Furthermore if they have anything to say it will as likely be negative as positive in the form of "kidding". I've played instruments most of my life, and if my family's reaction guided me I'd have quit a long time ago.

Janebug:

As a musician, I’m not much, and I tend to mostly woodshed, for the dogs and cat.

Three or four years back, we had folks over for a Mardi Gras party, mostly people we’d known for twenty-five, thirty years, and I broke out the guitar and played a few appropriate songs as part of the celebration.

I had spoken of it over the years, but none of them had ever heard me play.

They seemed somewhat surprised. I think the term “amazed” came up.

It was quite gratifying to have my wife say that when I was playing, one of the guys leaned over to her and said, “Why the hell didn’t I know he could do this?”

When I started playing the ukulele, in my unbound enthusiasm, I mentioned it to everybody remotely close to me, (plus a whole bunch of strangers, hither and yon), and, sure enough, one of these folks asked me to bring it and play a song for the birthday boy, at his party, so I did. Seemed to go over fine.

Other than that? I don’t volunteer. They know I play, and if somebody asks me to bring an instrument to a gathering, I do; otherwise, it stays home. A lot of folks enjoy music, but many those who don’t sing or play an instrument don’t seem all that eager to listen to friends or family do it, either. Could be the worry about embarrassment -- what if my relative sucks? How do I handle that? Could also be the appropriateness-factor. If live music is normally a part of the mix, that's different than a dinner party and sitting around chatting afterward.

Remember the prophet, who is not without honor, save in his own town or his his own home? Some of that goes on, too.

When I play out, it is at open jams or musical groups where that is the primary reason to go there. I’ll be happy to bring the uke along if somebody asks, but if they don’t, I’m not going to inflict myself on ‘em …

You asked a number of very good questions. Large house parties are not always the best place to anounce to the world you are a new uke player and would you people like to hear a song. If and when you become known as a player then people will start to ask.

The question then is how do you cross the threshold into playerdom. You took the right step by telling your friend and host, bring it up in every conservation when asked " so what is new with you". The word will eventually get around and someone will ask you to play a song.

One way to introduce it is when you have friends over to your house, so start throwing some parties. Your place, your rules, they are captive . Until then keep playing, practicing and enjoying the ukulele.

One reason I took up the ukulele was to connect with my mom. She was getting isolated - can't read any more, doesn't watch TV, does not follow current events. A lot was due to mental illness that has since been treated. But, we do connect through music. Even when she was hypersensitive to noise this summer, I could usually coax her to listen to a couple of songs.

The toddler grandkids like me to play if they are playing along as well.

The rest of my family, aside from my husband who does not have a choice, seem to view it as a hobby I should do by myself.

My son just got a banjo for Christmas, so I may have a music partner soon.

I engage in three sorts of playing. Playing for myself, Playing with other musicians, and Playing for other people. I enjoy all three pursuits equally well. I think I always enjoyed music. First listening then singing then playing and now all of them together.

By nature I am solitary, contemplative and very happy to engage in non - social pursuits. By inclination I am a social creature -mostly. My Dad, Sister and I are all Bipolar. Its a genetic birth defect. You'all know about manic and depressed behavior. Do you know that all people with this challenge engage in some form of unconscious self - destructive social behavior? One other aspect of BPD you need to know about is we all suffer from a sleep disorder that mimics Narcolepsy. Falling asleep at the wheel in 8 -10 seconds and waking up 5 seconds later is hhhhnnnn! Sorry about the drift there but more folks need to know. Back to socializing: Needless to say I have a very dysfunctional family. I have had to work hard to learn social skills. Its like learning to play your first complex instrument. Sometimes even when your working your hardest things just don't work the way you would wish. Then the stupid brain chemistry derails you and you don't even know it. Ever started singing a song off-key? Okay now we have established a connection between socializing and playing music.

I am fortunate that when playing music in the home environment no one ever tells you to stop. Tone it down, yes. When every one else is watching the game, I am playing music or sleeping. When the game ends and I wake up I have to motivate myself to join the party. This is a good time to introduce music. Sing while your tidying up. Start a tune during the first commercial after the game ends. Believe me people would rather listen to you then some dumb insurance salesman. You can babysit the kids but don't play games play your uke and sing songs the kids know. The parents will join in. they taught the kids the songs. Your parents didn't teach you to sing? That's sad. Sing songs the kids know anyway.

I suspect very few of us have problems playing with other musicians. Even if your just learning or not blessed with as much talent as Eric Clapton; The other musicians have sat where you are sitting once upon a time. They understand your need. Clubs, sings, open mikes jams are all good force yourself to seek them out. Once or twice a month minimum. If you can't find a local musicians venue take your uke to a nursing home sit in the lounge play and/or sing. Regardless of the type of music you like to sing you need old songs. Your going to get requests. See the bit about who taught you to sing above. Those folks are older now. If you weren't taught to sing, remember your a musician learn to sing some songs. You do not have to be good at it. They aren't, or if they are your already playing with musicians anyway. They will make you sound better. That's what socializing means.

I'm not going to talk about entertaining too much. Just this sign up at the open mikes.

If you go to church; sing in church. Weddings are good, Folk masses can be arranged once in a while - like when the pastor is going on Holiday. Tell the pastor you want to:

Either you are a musician or you aren't. If you are not with other musicians, it does not relate with them, and they may attach no importance to it. Different strokes. Also, at get-togethers, family ones especially the main focus is usually eating and/or drinking, and conversation. The music actually becomes an intrusion to some or many.

Unfortunate, but that's the way I see it.

I'm just lucky I guess. I have 4 siblings, all of whom play guitar, banjo, mandolin, Autoharp and/or ukulele. Most of us have picked up the uke in the last few years, but all of us have played the guitar for at least 40 years. My wife and two of my sisters-in-law are both musical as well. I have 6 nephews and nieces and two sons, all of whom enjoy performing music. Our family get-togethers are always spent with instruments in our hands.

Jim Yates said:

I'm just lucky I guess. I have 4 siblings, all of whom play guitar, banjo, mandolin, Autoharp and/or ukulele. Most of us have picked up the uke in the last few years, but all of us have played the guitar for at least 40 years. My wife and two of my sisters-in-law are both musical as well. I have 6 nephews and nieces and two sons, all of whom enjoy performing music. Our family get-togethers are always spent with instruments in our hands.

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THAT, is one helluva good family! You are a lucky man.

Lucky here too. Family members play ukes, guitar, harmonica, bass, piano. Most family get-togethers include jammin. With non-family gatherings I have been in the same situation as OP and I don't break out the uke, never really feels like it would be that welcome. If you camp or go to the beach or park, bring along your uke. I have found this a good way to get started playing to an audience in a very casual unstructured setting, especially camping, where folks might care to join you around your campfire.