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Jeffelele
06-23-2015, 04:28 PM
Disclaimer: No actual luthiers were harmed in the making of this story.

Bogus Builder Busted!

Although the criminal justice system sees no reason to become involved the ukulele community is buzzing over a scandal regarding the work of a relatively unknown luthier who has been trying to break into the high-end uke market by unorthodox and some say unethical means.

Mr. David Robert Jones of Cleveland, Ohio, stands accused of artificially lowering the weight of ukuleles he was selling.

"I should've known better but I bought one of his ukes based on it's advertised low weight" said a ukulele buyer who wished to remain anonymous because he feels stupid.

"People should have known better. I saw a couple of YouTube videos with his ukuleles and they seemed like over built bricks to me" said Ukulele Underground Forum member Jake Breaks who asked that his name be used because he feels smart.

High end ukuleles are known to be of surprisingly low weight. This allows the strings to most efficiently create the vibrations that become sound. Luthiers must work for years to gain the artistry and skill involved in their craft.

"I was played," said Emily Rose, another of Mr. Jones's customers. "The ukulele I bought had poor volume and no punch. I put it on scale and it weighed .78 ounces. I realized something was definitely wrong".

Mr. Jones appears to have invented a method of bonding helium to the wood of ukuleles to give them the lightest weight possible. Sadly, while he could have won a Nobel prize for his groundbreaking efforts he is now in hiding from angry ukulele buyers. Mr. Jones's research notes have disappeared with him and the world may never get the benefit of his genius.

A clearly distraught moderator of the Ukulele Underground Forum said "First the popsicle guy and now this!"


Jeff

kkimura
06-24-2015, 03:00 AM
Clearly a case of "buyer beware". Bonding anything even helium to tone wood makes it a laminate.

Tootler
06-24-2015, 03:53 AM
:uhoh::biglaugh:

kohanmike
06-24-2015, 04:52 AM
Hmm, "Mr. Jones appears to have invented a method of bonding helium to the wood," I thought these kind of posts are supposed to posted on April 1 each year.

Icelander53
06-24-2015, 05:15 AM
For some of us every day is fools day. :nana:

Ukejenny
06-24-2015, 06:26 AM
Clearly a case of "buyer beware". Bonding anything even helium to tone wood makes it a laminate.


Oh, the humanity!!!!!

Icelander53
06-24-2015, 06:32 AM
:agree::biglaugh:

you so funny

stevejfc
06-24-2015, 08:45 AM
Hmmmmmmm. Maybe Deflategate is bigger than we think.

Down Up Dick
06-24-2015, 09:12 AM
This thread is full of hot air. But it was still a gas! :old:

sculptor
06-24-2015, 09:32 AM
This sounds all so apocryphal... First off, "bonding" anything to wood would increase its weight... Second, suppose he actually displaced the air in the wood with helium and sealed it in with something impermeable (good luck with that) this would decrease the overall weight by a trivial amount...

Tootler
06-24-2015, 10:30 AM
This sounds all so apocryphal... First off, "bonding" anything to wood would increase its weight... Second, suppose he actually displaced the air in the wood with helium and sealed it in with something impermeable (good luck with that) this would decrease the overall weight by a trivial amount...

Someone's humour cell is defective :smileybounce:

sam13
06-24-2015, 11:15 AM
The emperor's clothes are beautiful as well.

vinceherman
06-24-2015, 11:37 AM
If you fill a ukulele with helium, will it have a high pitched squeaky voice like I do on helium?

sculptor
06-24-2015, 05:46 PM
Someone's humour cell is defective :smileybounce:

Hmmm... First, it has to be funny... This was just, as the title reads, "So Silly"... :rolleyes:

Tootler
06-24-2015, 07:49 PM
Hmmm... First, it has to be funny... This was just, as the title reads, "So Silly"... :rolleyes:

You appeared to take something intended as a joke seriously. I'm prone to that too.

kkimura
06-25-2015, 06:41 AM
OMG, now we're talking about "tone gasses"

sculptor
06-25-2015, 09:15 AM
You appeared to take something intended as a joke seriously. I'm prone to that too.

I'm sorry maybe if it wasn't physically impossible to the point of being absurd I might have found it to be funny. This is what happens if you know math and science...

I would have found something a little more subtle funny.... Perhaps miniature hydrogen cells inside the body of the uke and a last name of the Zeppelin for the luthier??? Then he could have thrown in something about an epidemic of fires too... :)

k0k0peli
06-25-2015, 10:33 AM
The inventor/luthier lied; he actually built his instruments with a laminate of cavorite obtained from the estate of J. Verne. You're welcome.

Tootler
06-25-2015, 11:26 AM
I'm sorry maybe if it wasn't physically impossible to the point of being absurd I might have found it to be funny. This is what happens if you know math and science...

I would have found something a little more subtle funny.... Perhaps miniature hydrogen cells inside the body of the uke and a last name of the Zeppelin for the luthier??? Then he could have thrown in something about an epidemic of fires too... :)

I have an Engineering degree so I think I might just know a little science and maths. It appealed to my sense of the absurd. It pays not to take everything you read too literally.

Nickie
06-25-2015, 01:20 PM
Silly, but quite entertaining. I'm not clever enough to come up with a cute counter to it, I'm quite brain dead today. Lost my cellphone and forgot to pay a bill.....geez. But at least I played the ukulele!

theabsurdman
06-25-2015, 09:47 PM
New internet rule: call it 'the George Washington principle'.

Any attempt at irony in a forum thread - however outlandish - will be followed up in no more than 5 replies with a completely sincere response from an American.

Jeffelele
06-26-2015, 05:41 AM
My name is Jeff and I have ukulele absurdism syndrome.

I am dealing with it by following a whole step, halfstep, program.

It is an nondenominational offshoot of Yukka Terry and his him. Darn auto-correct! Ukuterianism.

k0k0peli
06-26-2015, 07:35 AM
My name is Jeff and I have ukulele absurdism syndrome.

I am dealing with it by following a whole step, halfstep, program. You should know that those anonymous X-step programs just don't work. They can't even be tracked, due to anonymity. Independent observers downgrade the claimed 80% success rate to more like 8%. That means you only have 1/12 chance (that's a semitone) of escaping the syndrome. Do you feel lucky? Well, do you?


It is an nondenominational offshoot of Yukka Terry and his him. Darn auto-correct! Ukuterianism. One characteristic of cults is that they tend to fragment. Expect to see competing factions of Uketarians -- Tenorists, Tahitianists, Taropatchers, etc. Let the holy wars commence!

pulelehua
06-26-2015, 09:13 AM
If you lick the ukulele, does your voice go squeaky?

LDS714
06-26-2015, 11:18 AM
If you lick the ukulele, does your voice go squeaky?

No, but it automatically transposes everything up a major third...

Nickie
06-26-2015, 11:43 AM
No, but it automatically transposes everything up a major third...

Sooooo....this is what is meant by ukulele licks?

Jeffelele
06-26-2015, 05:50 PM
Sooooo....this is what is meant by ukulele licks?

Please be careful here! One day its just transposing a lick and the next you could be on a slippery slope that will lead you to Capoism.

Many Ukists with good intentions have been caught up in the battle between Transpositionists and Capoists.

Let us not forget this began with one man's disrespect for the Natural Weight of our Beloved Instrument.

Tootler
06-26-2015, 09:32 PM
Please be careful here! One day its just transposing a lick and the next you could be on a slippery slope that will lead you to Capoism.

Many Ukists with good intentions have been caught up in the battle between Transpositionists and Capoists.

Let us not forget this began with one man's disrespect for the Natural Weight of our Beloved Instrument.

Don't forget there's also the spat between the first positioners and the up-the-neckers.

uke-garou
06-27-2015, 08:02 PM
I can't wait for his anti-gravity uke to become available.

I actually scrolled back up to see if this was an old April 1 thread. Even better, catch everybody off-guard. :D

k0k0peli
06-27-2015, 11:24 PM
I can't wait for his anti-gravity uke to become available That depends on the availability of an adequate supply of cavorite. The Chinese have been manipulating stocks of rare earths so the economics of AG uke production are dicey -- yet more collateral damage in the global financial war. Expect black-market prices of cavorite to skyrocket.

uke-garou
06-28-2015, 02:07 PM
http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rofl.gif (http://www.sherv.net/). ^funny^

Jeffelele
07-07-2015, 10:31 AM
So the dust has settled.

Capoists and Transpositionalists have agreed to co-exist. There isn't all that much room for bar fights on the fretboard of a ukulele.

Mr. Jones remains in hiding where he is currently working on biological uses for his helium binding process. The few friends he has left find him to be curiously lighthearted for a man in his position.

Across the planet several people are thinking of starting threads regarding the use of heavier strings to get an effect on the soundboard that would raise the weight of the instrument while having it perform in the same manner as one with a thinner top. There is some discussion as to whether this is a physics or philosophical idea.

Jeff

ksiegel
07-07-2015, 01:30 PM
So the dust has settled.

Capoists and Transpositionalists have agreed to co-exist. There isn't all that much room for bar fights on the fretboard of a ukulele.

Mr. Jones remains in hiding where he is currently working on biological uses for his helium binding process. The few friends he has left find him to be curiously lighthearted for a man in his position.

Across the planet several people are thinking of starting threads regarding the use of heavier strings to get an effect on the soundboard that would raise the weight of the instrument while having it perform in the same manner as one with a thinner top. There is some discussion as to whether this is a physics or philosophical idea.

Jeff



Those people and their Capos... it just isn't Natural!!!



("C" what I did there...?)