Doc_J--
You may be in just the right frame of mind to start writing some of your own blues songs, and here are some rules to keep in mind. You might want low-g tuning on the uke to be more effective. Thank you, internet.
The Blues Explained
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1. Most blues begin with: "Woke up this mornin'...."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."
3. The blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of...
"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The blues is not about choice. If you stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs or sport utility vehicles.
Most blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
Jets and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the blues.
In blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or anyplace in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just a clinical depression.
Chicago, Houston, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. You can't have no blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is all wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
9. Good places for the blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
10. Bad places for the blues:
a. Nordstrom
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
11. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
No, if:
a. you have a 401(k) or a trust fund
b. you once were blind but now you see
c. the man in Memphis lived
12. Acceptable blues beverages:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Red Bull
d. SlimFast
13. If death occurs in a cheap hotel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. You can't have a blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
14. Make your own blues starter kit:
a. Name of a physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. First name (see above) plus the name of a fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. Last name of a president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore. (Well, maybe not kiwi...)
15. No matter how tragic your life--if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.
