Ukulele Brothers and Sisters:
It is my sad responsibility to bring you this news, but it must be done. I can no longer sit idle and watch this epidemic erode the brilliant minds of our country. It is a drug I speak of and you wonder what drug this may be? My friends, this drug is called "Ukulele".
I know you are scoffing at me. Nay, laughing even! You must be wondering what kind of drug I must be on? Yes, I am drugged and can admit I am on ukulele! You say, "but Wag, come on... it's ukulele man! Not a drug. I could give up ukulele any time I wanted." I say "HAH"! Ukulele leads to harder instruments!
Let's look at some facts:
You eat, drink and sleep with ukulele on your mind.
You are always looking for new ways to exploit ukulele, different ways to "get off" on ukulele.
You have ukulele hanging on your walls.
In your closets.
Under your bed.
At times, you even have ukulele laying carelessly on your couch and in a "ukulele induced fog" you SIT on ukulele and then expect your 'dealer' to reimburse you!
You take ukulele to work with you.
You keep some ukulele in your car.
You hide the purchases of ukulele from your spouses and friends.
You say "What, this old thing?" when asked about new ukulele.
You spend rent money on ukulele.
When you do admit buying ukulele, you alway say you got it cheaper than what you actually paid.
You do ukulele on the internet when no one is watching.
You LIKE looking at ukulele p***!
You take pictures of your naked ukulele, even though you know ukulele is under age!
It is a disease I tell you! And you ask, "How could this be?"
Ukulele makers KNOW it is an addictive drug. I have seen leaked memos where they have admitted as such! Yet, they keeping putting it into the instruments they make, knowing all the while you will only get more and more addicted to ukulele. One is not enough. Two is not enough. You can NEVER have enough ukulele! Once it gets into you, help is your only answer.
I have contacted not only Congress and the Senate regarding this matter, but the Food and Drug Administration as well. I have started a campaign for, and hope to one day to have, ukulele declared as a controlled substance. Now, I realize, some of you are panicking right now and that there are 'legitimate' medicinal uses for ukulele. That is why I'm trying to get the FDA to require doctor's to prescribe ukulele depending on the severity of the addiction and to provide ukulele support groups.
To that end, I have started the first national chapter of "Ukulele Uhnonamous", a.k.a. "UU". We are here to help. Recognizing that you have a problem IS the first step. We offer the only "12 bar blues" program in the nation and I can tell you that the results are life altering. We can ween you off ukulele. Perhaps get you onto something less addictive, like tamborine, or harpsichord.
Koa is a terrible thing to waste.
Please, seek help. Call 1-800-UKULELE UHNONAMOUS today. Thank you.
It is my sad responsibility to bring you this news, but it must be done. I can no longer sit idle and watch this epidemic erode the brilliant minds of our country. It is a drug I speak of and you wonder what drug this may be? My friends, this drug is called "Ukulele".
I know you are scoffing at me. Nay, laughing even! You must be wondering what kind of drug I must be on? Yes, I am drugged and can admit I am on ukulele! You say, "but Wag, come on... it's ukulele man! Not a drug. I could give up ukulele any time I wanted." I say "HAH"! Ukulele leads to harder instruments!
Let's look at some facts:
You eat, drink and sleep with ukulele on your mind.
You are always looking for new ways to exploit ukulele, different ways to "get off" on ukulele.
You have ukulele hanging on your walls.
In your closets.
Under your bed.
At times, you even have ukulele laying carelessly on your couch and in a "ukulele induced fog" you SIT on ukulele and then expect your 'dealer' to reimburse you!
You take ukulele to work with you.
You keep some ukulele in your car.
You hide the purchases of ukulele from your spouses and friends.
You say "What, this old thing?" when asked about new ukulele.
You spend rent money on ukulele.
When you do admit buying ukulele, you alway say you got it cheaper than what you actually paid.
You do ukulele on the internet when no one is watching.
You LIKE looking at ukulele p***!
You take pictures of your naked ukulele, even though you know ukulele is under age!
It is a disease I tell you! And you ask, "How could this be?"
Ukulele makers KNOW it is an addictive drug. I have seen leaked memos where they have admitted as such! Yet, they keeping putting it into the instruments they make, knowing all the while you will only get more and more addicted to ukulele. One is not enough. Two is not enough. You can NEVER have enough ukulele! Once it gets into you, help is your only answer.
I have contacted not only Congress and the Senate regarding this matter, but the Food and Drug Administration as well. I have started a campaign for, and hope to one day to have, ukulele declared as a controlled substance. Now, I realize, some of you are panicking right now and that there are 'legitimate' medicinal uses for ukulele. That is why I'm trying to get the FDA to require doctor's to prescribe ukulele depending on the severity of the addiction and to provide ukulele support groups.
To that end, I have started the first national chapter of "Ukulele Uhnonamous", a.k.a. "UU". We are here to help. Recognizing that you have a problem IS the first step. We offer the only "12 bar blues" program in the nation and I can tell you that the results are life altering. We can ween you off ukulele. Perhaps get you onto something less addictive, like tamborine, or harpsichord.
Koa is a terrible thing to waste.
Please, seek help. Call 1-800-UKULELE UHNONAMOUS today. Thank you.