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View Full Version : Jokes and Humor Section?



Brad Bordessa
07-21-2009, 04:50 AM
What about adding a jokes section to "General Discussion"? If everybody kept it clean, it might be a good addition. Or would that just be a nightmare for the mods?

UkeNinja
07-21-2009, 01:27 PM
Maybe you should start off by sharing a really good one to convince the mod squad? I could use a good joke now.

itsme
07-21-2009, 01:49 PM
What about adding a jokes section to "General Discussion"? If everybody kept it clean, it might be a good addition.
Or maybe it could be part of Offbeat Links and renamed to something like "fun stuff."

Brad Bordessa
07-21-2009, 02:42 PM
Uke Ninja: I have not ever created a joke myself. I would just be spreading on somebody's own creation. But if you want humor... How about:

>>This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.) - (The U.S. navy has since denied it ever happened)

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

dnewton2
07-21-2009, 02:48 PM
^^^^

That is hilarious!:D:D:D

Ukulele JJ
07-21-2009, 02:55 PM
Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.



I don't know why, but I get the biggest kick out of that joke. :D

JJ

UkuLeLesReggAe
07-21-2009, 05:40 PM
^ WTF?!

and the 1st joke is good hahaha. i dont know many, non-offensive jokes.

UkeNinja
07-21-2009, 05:48 PM
Thanks Hippie Guy, you just made my day! :D

JT_Ukes
07-21-2009, 05:53 PM
Uke Ninja: I have not ever created a joke myself. I would just be spreading on somebody's own creation. But if you want humor... How about:

>>This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.) - (The U.S. navy has since denied it ever happened)

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

This is an awesome joke, but please, as a US Navy vet, I must point you to this link...

http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp

so you know it's not a true story.

That is all.

JT

UkeNinja
07-21-2009, 07:11 PM
it's not a true story
Of course it's not. Walk along, people. You are not smelling a fish, just go take a shower when you get home.
:cool:

Bratset
07-21-2009, 09:52 PM
Walk along, people. You are not smelling a fish, just go take a shower when you get home.
:cool:

what? eh?. hmm...

casetone2514
07-22-2009, 01:42 AM
Of course it's not. Walk along, people. You are not smelling a fish, just go take a shower when you get home.
:cool:

A guy walks up to an attractive yound woman and says:
"Can I smell your butt?"
Offended she replies:
"No, you most certainly can not!"
He shrugs:
"Must be your feet, then."

Bratset
07-22-2009, 01:50 AM
A guy walks up to an attractive yound woman and says:
"Can I smell your butt?"
Offended she replies:
"No, you most certainly can not!"
He shrugs:
"Must be your feet, then."

hahahaha :smileybounce:

toubisard
07-23-2009, 10:47 AM
Bob works with his Dad and they both work really hard, and Bobs Mom died some years ago so the father and son just work and work.
Bob is an ordinary guy, average looks, hard working and single.


One day his Dad takes him by the arm and sits him down and says,'Bob I am not a well man and the doctor tells me I won't be here in a two years and the business is worth $6000000, so I think you better get yourself a nice wife so that you can grow the business with your own son'.


Bob goes to a speed dating agency and finds the most beautiful girl in the room and races up to her as eager as a puppy and blurts out, 'I am Bob and when my Dad dies in two years I will be worth $6000000 and here is my address and I love you'.........



Two weeks later she became his step mother.

toubisard
07-26-2009, 12:30 AM
Come on guys.
Or have you all just forgotten the best joke you ever heard!
Or is it that you feel that certain jokes can't be posted for fear of causing upset. The rules are never tell a sick joke never tell a joke about race or religion unless you could comfortably tell it to an audience of that particular race or religion. The best Jewish jokes are told by Jewish comedians the best Irish by the Irish. So tell me where this fits in..

A man rushes into a railway carriage and shouts,
"help me is there a priest on the train" ...stunned silence no reply...
he screams,
"please is there a rabbi on this train please oh please"
and a man stand up at the back and says,
"I am a Methodist minister, can I help you",
And our man says," no no you're no use,

we need a bottle opener in the next carriage".

UkeNukem
07-26-2009, 01:36 PM
On that theme -

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a horse walk into a bar and the bartender says -



























What is this, some kind of joke?

UkeNukem
07-26-2009, 01:41 PM
One more-

Three drummers decide to go sky diving, but being drummers they have to find the cheapest skydiving place they can. Unfortunately, when they jump out of the plane none of their chutes open! Two of the drummers hit the ground and the third hits the water. What sound do they make?





















Ba-dump-splash! CLICK (http://www.instantrimshot.com/)

bumblemark
07-26-2009, 04:29 PM
haha
i didn't expect that airplane one to be funny haha

UkeNukem
07-27-2009, 03:37 AM
Just for the record, I started playing drums in 1967. :)

DogBisquit
07-28-2009, 02:03 PM
What do you call a psychic jockey, just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.