Original Song - Feedback Please!

joeybug

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Hi everyone,

The above video is of my second original song that I wrote in rememberance of my dear friend "Jessie Oliver" - that was what she called herself online, her real name was Lynn Gilderdale. She and I met through the blogging site livejournal and both suffered from M.E (also known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome in the US). Jessie's was much more severe than mine. She was bed bound, paralysed, fed through a tube and couldn't speak. She's been that way for 17 years and was in massive amounts of pain. She died on 4th December 2008 from a massive morphine overdose that she gave herself with her mum's help.

This video is of a song I have written both the words and chords for, and plan to do a better one (maybe the illusive up strum will make an appearance!) for the anniversary of her death coming up in December this year. What I'm asking from you guys, is to a) not share the video anywhere and b) give me honest critique on whether it all sounds okay, whether I should change any of the chords, what could be better about it. I want to honour my friend through music and as I still consider myself a beginner in this lovely thing called Uke'in I'd like all of your more experienced opinions.

You are the only people with whom I have shared this link, as I trust your advice.

Thank you all

Joey
 
I haven't really branched out yet to the singing and playing too much, so not sure how much my thoughts are worth, but I would say that your singing doesn't have to match the same tempo as your playing. I think if you can learn to sort of break free of that (it is a little difficult yes) then you can really get some groove goin. When I've had things I wanted to sing over, I found that if I could play something, and talk to someone at the same time, then I could sing anything I wanted over it.
 
I haven't really branched out yet to the singing and playing too much, so not sure how much my thoughts are worth, but I would say that your singing doesn't have to match the same tempo as your playing. I think if you can learn to sort of break free of that (it is a little difficult yes) then you can really get some groove goin. When I've had things I wanted to sing over, I found that if I could play something, and talk to someone at the same time, then I could sing anything I wanted over it.

Thanks for the advice, I'll try to keep that in mind :D
 
Hi Joey...that's a beautiful and emotional song. you sure have a talent for writing lyrics. Especially since it's your first I think you've done an amazing job working some nice chord changes...voice sounds sweet and genuine

...the only improvements I could see would be to keep practicing your strumming rhythm and bring in the upstrum so it has more flow...also maybe just give the song some space to breath between the verses, felt a little like you were rushing through it...just strum for a bar or two between the verses so's the listener has a chance to ingest the beautiful words and get ready for the next lyric....it's a passionate song and needs some elbow room

other than that I just think it's a brilliant effort. Can see massive improvements in your playing and you've always had a lovely voice.

It's precious stuff mate...thanks for sharing Lynn's story with all of us

Many blessings,
eugene
 
Hi Joey...that's a beautiful and emotional song. you sure have a talent for writing lyrics. Especially since it's your first I think you've done an amazing job working some nice chord changes...voice sounds sweet and genuine

...the only improvements I could see would be to keep practicing your strumming rhythm and bring in the upstrum so it has more flow...also maybe just give the song some space to breath between the verses, felt a little like you were rushing through it...just strum for a bar or two between the verses so's the listener has a chance to ingest the beautiful words and get ready for the next lyric....it's a passionate song and needs some elbow room

other than that I just think it's a brilliant effort. Can see massive improvements in your playing and you've always had a lovely voice.

It's precious stuff mate...thanks for sharing Lynn's story with all of us

Many blessings,
eugene

Thanks for the advice :D I will keep trying to make the up strum work!!! And I like the idea of leaving spaces between the verses :D
 
Aloha Joey,
That truely was an emotional song and you two must have been really close....I think you did a wonderful job girl, you're geting the hang of writing lyrics and doing the music for them are you....quite impressive
for just 3 months.....and your voice is sooo nice, some people never develop those skills...As for your ukulele playing, pretty good, but a Eugene said ....slow down the tempo and have turn arounds too..
I'm very proud of your improvement and your sentimental memorial song to your friend.....Woo Woo girl!! Way toooooo Gooooooo!!! Your friend, Stan.....
I'm sure Lynn is watching you from up there and saying that's soo nice and appriciates it very much!!!,,,
 
It's a really lovely tune and the simple strumming works just fine. Sometimes simple is best.

The thing you need to improve on is getting the right number of beats in the bar. The song is basically in 4 time, but sometimes you put 5 or even 6 beats in the bar. You can easily sort this out by recording the uke part first, making sure that each bar has 4 beats in it. Play it back and make the tune fit to your accompaniment.

Get it all into 4 time and you will have a terrific song. The words work really well.
 
Aloha Joey,
That truely was an emotional song and you two must have been really close....I think you did a wonderful job girl, you're geting the hang of writing lyrics and doing the music for them are you....quite impressive
for just 3 months.....and your voice is sooo nice, some people never develop those skills...As for your ukulele playing, pretty good, but a Eugene said ....slow down the tempo and have turn arounds too..
I'm very proud of your improvement and your sentimental memorial song to your friend.....Woo Woo girl!! Way toooooo Gooooooo!!! Your friend, Stan.....
I'm sure Lynn is watching you from up there and saying that's soo nice and appriciates it very much!!!,,,

Thanks for the advice, Stan, I'll try to keep the tempo down :D
 
It's a really lovely tune and the simple strumming works just fine. Sometimes simple is best.

The thing you need to improve on is getting the right number of beats in the bar. The song is basically in 4 time, but sometimes you put 5 or even 6 beats in the bar. You can easily sort this out by recording the uke part first, making sure that each bar has 4 beats in it. Play it back and make the tune fit to your accompaniment.

Get it all into 4 time and you will have a terrific song. The words work really well.

I don't really understand what you mean by 4 beats and I don't have the equipment or knowledge to record one part and then another part and make it all one video. I think you're saying that I need to make sure each line has 4 strums in it? If so, I'll try to work on that...
 
Joey, that was fantastic... Just a bit more practice hitting them strings cleanly, and maybe slow it down and bring in that up strum you have been working on..apart from that, it is very nice. I'm sure she feels honoured to have such a lovely song written for her..
Keep up the good work :)
 
..I don't have the equipment or knowledge to record one part and then another part and make it all one video.
If there's a will there's a way. I've found for things that I've needed to layer, that if I just planned carefully, I could export it in stages and layer them together (windows movie maker) Of course if you want to go back and change something it's a pain in the butt.
 
It's a really lovely tune and the simple strumming works just fine. Sometimes simple is best.

The thing you need to improve on is getting the right number of beats in the bar. The song is basically in 4 time, but sometimes you put 5 or even 6 beats in the bar. You can easily sort this out by recording the uke part first, making sure that each bar has 4 beats in it. Play it back and make the tune fit to your accompaniment.

Get it all into 4 time and you will have a terrific song. The words work really well.

I worked out what you were saying and will try to keep in time, maybe practise playing it with a metronome or something...Thanks for the advice

Joey, that was fantastic... Just a bit more practice hitting them strings cleanly, and maybe slow it down and bring in that up strum you have been working on..apart from that, it is very nice. I'm sure she feels honoured to have such a lovely song written for her..
Keep up the good work :)

Thanks, managed to play it a few times with an up strum! :D
 
Hi Joey,
You've gotten good advice from your pals here. All I can say is, I like the chord structure and your playing has improved. You've done a fine job of memorializing 'Jesse'. I'm looking forward to your edited version.
DAP
 
Hi Joey,
You've gotten good advice from your pals here. All I can say is, I like the chord structure and your playing has improved. You've done a fine job of memorializing 'Jesse'. I'm looking forward to your edited version.
DAP

Thanks DAP, I'm actually trying to do a video for the first original song I wrote, but now liking what I come up with, gonna need to practise some more!
 
Thanks DAP, I'm actually trying to do a video for the first original song I wrote, but now liking what I come up with, gonna need to practise some more!
Sometimes your thought process can get interrupted, but if its in some sort of standard form then simple feedback might help.
 
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