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View Full Version : so can someone tell me if this is good i wrote this during bio its a poem



aperson
04-02-2011, 01:08 PM
There once was a girl smiles and rainbows happy as can be

There was something that even she wished no one to see

It was merely a mask illusion invisible to the naked eye

She played her part well never once did you hear her sigh

What happened behind closed doors

Was anything but perfect anymore




There once was a boy he had friends so great

He would laugh and smile hoping to forget the hate

His laughs cover his pain

When he smiles itís a strain

Things at home just arenít that great

So he stays after school late

For what no one knows

Sometimes he wishes he could just go

To a faraway imaginary place

Somewhere that doesnít free of hate




There once was a girl pretty and smart

All she wanted was a heart

Someone that felt the same

So she did some things she regrets to this day

It helped at the time cover the pain

She met a boy who she finally liked

But he only wanted one thing that night

I tell you girl if only you could see

Through all that pain and regret you truly are pretty



There once was a boy picked on everyday

He hates himself for what they say

He believes everything is true

Right down to the hatred the enshrew

He wishes he could just start anew

If only this boy saw what was really true

Youíre perfect and special just in your own way

Donít worry theyíll come around one day

uke4ia
04-03-2011, 07:23 AM
The poem is fine, except for the "hatred the enshrew" line. It's not going to win literary awards, but it would be fine for a school literary journal or to set to music as a song.

I can't speak for everyone, but my experience is that even just a few years later, I looked back at the things I wrote in high school and couldn't stand most of them anymore. A few that were just poems I thought were still all right. But the songs I wrote in college I still find worth singing 30 years later, and the ones I wrote a year earlier in high school I've packed in mothballs and just can't get behind anymore. You may or may not still like these poems down the line, but either way the practice of having written them will gradually make you a better writer.

I disagree with what Pippin said on your other thread. You don't want to take all the specifics out of your words, and bland them out to make them generalized and therefore "universal". A good poet or songwriter will take the things that are personal to them and express them in a way that feels universal to the listener, because the listener interprets through the similar feelings they've had in their own lives.

Pippin
04-03-2011, 08:17 AM
I disagree with what Pippin said on your other thread. You don't want to take all the specifics out of your words, and bland them out to make them generalized and therefore "universal"...

To be precise, that is not what I said. I advised writing on universal themes because they are common to everyone. As for writing with simplicity and directness, that is very valid.

Irving Berlin, perhaps one of the greatest lyricists of the twentieth century wrote beautifully direct and simple lyrics and COUNTLESS hit songs.

John Denver's "Annie's Song" is one of the greatest examples...

You fill up my senses
like a night in a forest
like the mountains in spring time
like a walk in the rain
like a storm in the desert
like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
come fill me again...

All those wonderful images come rushing into the listener's mind when they hear that song. It is an extraordinary love song in that it paints all of those wonderful images and equates them to the love that John felt for Annie when he wrote the song (in about five minutes on a ski lift, actually).

Here is an example from Irving Berlin...

Maybe

Maybe, you'll think of me
when you are all alone.
Maybe the one that's been waiting for you
will prove untrue,
then what will you do?

Maybe, you'll sit and sigh
wishing that I were here, then...
Maybe you'll ask me
to come back again

and Maybe, I'll say, maybe.

(then the song repeats the second verse)

Many timeless classics were written with beautifully, simple lyrics. It is like Strunk and White's "Elements of Style", when they advice to "waste no words".

In a song, every word counts, but too many lyrics crammed into too few verses is the fault of many tunes on the radio these days.

Ukulele JJ
04-03-2011, 10:14 AM
I can't speak for everyone, but my experience is that even just a few years later, I looked back at the things I wrote in high school and couldn't stand most of them anymore.

Ain't it the truth? Learning to write poetry is like learning to play the violin or learning to dance...you've got to be willing to spend many, many hours being really lousy before you can be good. :-)

Anyhoo, as far as aperson's poem goes, I think it's good. I'd advise reading it aloud and paying attention to how the words fall rhythmically. Where the stresses fall and that sort of thing. Could you change/remove/add words to give it a more consistent "beat"? Not all poems have to worry about that sort of thing--that's what "poetic license" is for--but usually poems with a strong rhyme scheme (like this one) will also have a strong sense of meter.

I like the structure where you have each stanza be a different "scene". Good job!

JJ

seeso
04-03-2011, 01:15 PM
I think it's good. It's obviously coming from a personal story, so that's awesome. If you were to make it into a song, I suspect a few rhythmic tweaks would be needed.

I like the "hatred the enshrew" line. I don't know what it means, but it sounds like it means something. Idiosyncratic stuff like that is good, it's what helps you on your way to carving out a voice for yourself as a writer.

Keep writing!

On the subject of wordiness (which I don't think your poem suffers from), it's true that it could be detrimental to a song, but it could also be awesome. Just take a listen to a song like Bob Dylan's 7 verses of "Tangled Up in Blue," or Springsteen's "Blinded by the Light." Those songs are wordy as hell, but they're still awesome songs.

Blinded by the Light
Madmen, drummers, bummers, and Indians in the summer with a teenage diplomat
In the dumps with the mumps as the adolescent pumps his way into his hat
With a boulder on my shoulder, feelin' kinda older, I tripped the merry-go-round
With this very unpleasin', sneezin' and wheezin, the calliope crashed to the ground

Subterranean Homesick Blues:
Johnny's in the basement mixing up the medicine
I'm on the pavement thinking about the government
The man in the trench coat, badge out, laid off
Says he's got a bad cough, wants to get it paid off
Look out kid, It's somethin' you did
God knows when, but you're doin' it again
You better duck down the alley way, lookin' for a new friend
The man in the coon-skip cap in the big pen
Wants eleven dollar bills, you only got ten.

My point is, just write. Don't worry if you're too wordy or too simple. Just make it mean something to you, and make it unique. Your task as a writer is to offer your own unique take on the world, and to be honest.

ukulelezo
04-03-2011, 05:24 PM
Aperson, your poem is good. It comes from your own experiences and heart so that is great. Good for you for even putting it out there for others to read! No one thinks the songs and poems they write in high school are crap while they're writing them. And realistically they're not, we just change and evolve as we grow. We have different tastes as we get older. Write what you feel. Write often. Don't let them tell you it's "emo" and not happy enough. Some of the greatest songs are emotional and decidedly not upbeat. I have notebooks full of songs and poems and snippets. Some of them are not good but they all represent a moment, feeling or situation. They helped me become the woman I am.

Your poem is good. It represents the way a lot of people feel. Thank you for sharing it with us. :)

This post applies to both of your threads.