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aperson
04-02-2011, 02:04 PM
I hate how you smile at me when i pass by

I hate how you make me laugh then want to cry

I hate how i pour out my feeling to you

But still i think youíre perfect too

I hate how you act like you love me

But then you look at her

I hate how we are just friends

Im so tierd i donít want to pretend

And i hate how i know you donít feel the same

I hate that you put me through that pain

What i hate most about you is that even through all this hate i know

No one else could make me feel this way

Pippin
04-03-2011, 07:09 AM
In songwriting, simplicity is much better. Be more direct and your songs will be more emotionally charged and carry more weight.

example...

I hate it when you pass me by
I want to laugh, you make me cry
I'd tell you how I really feel
my love for you is very real

Yes, I know that we're just friends
but I want more, I can't pretend
Oh, how I wish you felt the same
is this just some kind of game?

... cadence makes the music flow. Same, actually, with poetry. If you want to create a song and give it real meaning for other people-- so that they can relate to it, universal themes are best... love, happiness, joy, sadness, fun times, rain, sunny days, these are common to all people. Rhythm (cadence) gives a song drive and helps you keep everything together. Having too many words in a sentence is a sure sign of an amateur writer. If you want to look and write like a pro, be direct, keep it brief, and stick to common-life subjects. Also... try being upbeat and positive most of the time. Happiness sells. We need more of that in the world.

uke4ia
04-03-2011, 07:10 AM
It's not bad. Your problem is going to be that anyone who's seen the movie "10 Things I Hate About You" will think this is the poem Julia Stiles writes at the end, because that one came first and the movie has been seen by millions. Here's are the Googled words to that one:


I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you’re always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you’re not around,
and the fact that you didn’t call.
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even close…
not even a little bit…
not even at all.

seeso
04-03-2011, 01:20 PM
Also... try being upbeat and positive most of the time. Happiness sells. We need more of that in the world.

I disagree here. Just do you.

Don't argue with your muse. Write what you know, and write the truth.

itsme
04-03-2011, 02:07 PM
aperson, without even knowing what your melody will sound like, the lyrics strike me as rather pedestrian and emo where it's all about "you." I'm not saying that can't work for some songs, but it's often rather trite. Certainly, something like the Beatles' "Yesterday" qualifies as a great emo song.

Try to work some visual imagery into your lyrics. Look at lyrics by some of the great writers like Leonard Cohen, Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, etc. They often bring a twist to expressing the mundane in different ways.

Heck, one of my favorite contemporary artists, Holly Williams (granddaughter of the late great Hank) wrote a beautiful song titled "Velvet Sounds," referencing her significant other's snoring, of all things.

http://www.hollywilliams.com/lyrics_021.aspx

Velvet sounds you made
Sleeping symphony as I would lie awake
In the crevice of your shoulder soft and warm
That's where I miss your breathing

Chris Tarman
04-03-2011, 06:29 PM
I disagree here. Just do you.

Don't argue with your muse. Write what you know, and write the truth.

Agreed. I liked it. Sometimes, you just don't feel happy. It would be artificial to write a happy poem or song when that's not what you're feeling. I've never written lyrics, and the only poems I've ever written were the kind that don't rhyme... Haiku and a few other little odds and ends. I've been kicking an idea around in my head, but there's no way I could ever let anyone hear it if I ever actually wrote it (not because I'd be embarrassed by the writing itself, but because it's a little too autobiographical).
Write things that mean something to you, and put your heart into it.

Pippin
04-03-2011, 09:35 PM
Well, I can understand that people are catching my last couple sentences above about being upbeat and positive MOST of the time. Okay, forget that if your music is all about therapy or dealing with personal struggles.

There is a difference between writing songs to feel better and writing songs for the radio. When young people ask advice on writing songs, if their intent is to get discovered, it is completely different than writing because they have internal struggles and want to get things off their chest.

Seeso is a good writer. The advice of "be yourself" is, of course, good advice, indeed.

I had a friend that lost a child eight months old. Eighteen years later, he was still struggling with the loss of that child. I told him to write his thoughts on paper in no particular format, just scribble what comes to mind. When he did that, then we started putting things together. He took a trip to Kentucky and hung out where his grandfather used to keep his antique cars when he was alive. Surrounded by memories, Jerry wrote the melody to a song... "I'll See You Soon".

I helped Jerry complete the song, putting all those random thoughts to the melody, then we recorded it. The song is considered "too heavy" for radio-play, but it is well-written and brings tears to people's eyes. There was not a dry eye in the room when we recorded it.

Still... the world needs more happiness. I hope every songwriter has more happy memories than sad ones when all is said and done.