What is it all for???

mendel

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 18, 2010
Messages
559
Reaction score
0
Location
South Florida
Hey Everyone-

I'm in a moral quandary.... I work full time, I'm doing my phD Dissertation (about 9 months left), my wife and I have an 11 month old, and I just took a position teaching for my college as well. Granted extra money is nice, but we are fortunate and do not need it right now. The extra position will add a lot to my resume as I plan to pursue online teaching as a full time gig once the PhD is complete. I barely have time to breathe, and have no had time to even go running in a year. My morale is drooping and I'm beginning to ask myself "What is it all for?". I take my only joy each day from what little family time I have as well as my Ukeing.... I miss my family and I live with them!!!! What do I do? The extra position only lasts until December and it is a tremendous opportunity!!!!
 
Hang in there. It sounds like life is very hard and full of sacrifices at the present, but will pay off in the end. And the end is in sight: December for the teaching and February for your dissertation. Your family is there for you, and your ukuleles will be waiting. Life will be ever so much better in early 2012! That'll be 2 cents, please.
 
hi Mendel, I was in a similar position as yourself several years ago. Stuck in academia in the English Department at uni, my mind was going numb and it all felt like a waste of time...too much intellectual back-scratching and not enough time spent in the world of practical realities.

I quit my post, moved out to the bush and started working as an aged carer. I know only work 3-4 days a week, and therefore have equal time at home to spend with my wife and children (whom we home school). My income is considerably less, but I have never been so happy in a job as I am now. I feel I have purpose and it has also helped raise my self sesteem, as I believe I am doing something genuinely positive and contributing to society in a way that is good for the soul. The 'what is it all for' question no longer arises because, in my heart, i know the answer. Challenging yes; emotionally draining, yep, but I wouldn't change a thing.

I will trade income and overtime for a lower wage and quality of life every day. I made a conscious choice never to do a job that I didn't enjoy. Fortunately, we live simply and are able to minimise our living costs, and the associated complexities of the rat race. Ultimately it comes down to a basic question of priorities. For what reason are you considering this extra avenue with already so much on your plate? What is most important to you, career, income, home time...the answers to these questions I guess will help you construct a framework for your priorities. Remember, your kids are only young once and the time fairly races away.

These things aren't easy, and the question of 'providing' for your family and way of life is important too. Don't want to preach at you mate, but just to share my story and personal experiences. Hey mendel, you seem like a fantastic fella and I wish you all the best in your decisions over these issues. :)
 
Thanks guys. The family is the reason that I am doing all this. They are my world and I'm not willing to compromise my time with them for anything. Our future does depend on me completing what I started soni have to see it all through.
 
Thanks guys. The family is the reason that I am doing all this. They are my world and I'm not willing to compromise my time with them for anything. Our future does depend on me completing what I started soni have to see it all through.

You know what you want already. That's clear. Go for it.

But don't forget one thing. If you don't care for yourself, you won't be able to take care of others.

Go for a 15-minute run. It's 15 minutes. And you'll feel better, plus don't forget all the thinking you can do as you run!
 
I may be completely misquoting, but I read something recently that I think Kurt Vonnegut wrote...

"...We have nothing better to do on this planet than fart around."

If getting your PhD will help you fart around in a way that you want to fart around, then stick to it, brother!
The hard part is figuring that out.
 
I've spent a little time volunteering in nursing homes for the aged. (not a lot, and not currently, so don't try to make me some kind of hero...trust me, I'm not)

Anyway, in dealing with the aged I have never once heard one of them say that they wished they'd spent more time at work when they were younger... I've heard many of them say they wish they'd spent more time with family. In the end, family will get you through times of no money way better than money will get you through times of no family.

The treadmill of work is a curious thing, and, at least for some of us, tends to be far more addictive than the uke. In my case I started out with great intentions. The extra job(s) and the schooling were for my family. Then, the job became its own end. When you've gotten used to having a certain level of income it's awfully difficult to walk away from it, especially when your expenses are growing because the kids are getting older and needing more "stuff." Then came the wake up call in the form of a nearly fatal heart attack at the age of 41. Unfortunately, by that time my kids were all but grown and had pretty much missed out on having a dad, though I was able to provide them some of the "finer things."

Just my $0.02.

John
 
Now's the time to work hard for you. I didn't have the academic/personal energy to get through a doctoral program; with a master's degree it's tough even to find part time teaching work. Stick with it. It's worth it.
 
You will not be writing your dissertation forever. It's a finite commitment. If you want to teach at that level, your taking the steps that will get you there. In the meantime, get a book of Disney sheet music (or some other children's music). Your baby will be watching lots of videos within a year or two, and by playing the songs your child recognizes, your uke time can still be time spent with your family.
 
I can definitely understand what you're feeling. While I was in the military, I started working on my degree part time online in 2007. Then, in 2009 I got off active duty, and started as a civilian with DoD. Managing a new career, being in the Reserves, and still part-timing school online was very draining. Everything about my personal life suffered - fitness, hobbies, my relationship with my boyfriend... I wanted to quit school so many times, but I just would always remind myself that a little bit of hardship now would pay off in the long-term. I would think of Dori, from Finding Nemo: "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming swimming!" :) I finally graduated a few weeks ago, and my Reserve obligation in up in August! I finally feel like my life has fallen into a great place. You'll be there soon!

In a few months, you'll be able to breathe a BIG sigh of relief. The resume and degree are just a part of setting yourself up for an easier time in the long run. Hang in there, you can do it!

 
Athletes often train hard under the precept of "I am kicking my but today so I can kick yours tomorrow." It's another way of saying "Luck is for the unprepared."

I earned my masters degree 17 years ago and have never worked in the field. Reason? We had children. We decided that my wife was better suited for the workplace while I stayed home and looked after the girls. This coincided with the home computer/internet timing so I worked as a writer from a small home office at night while dealing with the girls daily. My wife's career took off, my ego managed to dodge the bullets, and our daughters are now both in high school. My primary focus has always been the girls and family.

We did not plan it this way. It worked nonetheless. Things could have happened differently, but they didn't.

Though it doesn't seem like it, you are not the first to venture down this path. I encourage you to keep the big picture in mind, do what is necessary to fulfill your goals, and understand that every one of life's adventures is temporary.
 
Mendel -

Some people live their entire life like that - constantly working, never seeing their family, never even finding things outside the job that are fun... That's sad.

Some people find themselves in a similar situation with a difference - there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Sounds like that's where you are - if you stick it out, your opportunities open up, your situation calms down, and life regains its balance. Not a bad thing to do some extra work for!
 
I've taught at two major universities, and so has my husband. I changed careers and went into the private sector, and then had a child, became self-employed to so that I could spend more time with my family, and have faced the same dilemma that you are now facing. In the meantime, my husband has been going through the daily grind of teaching, marking, doing research, going to conferences, writing books, etc. and he has had little time to exercise, play with the kids, or do the other things that he'd rather be doing. Our first child is now 8, and our second child just turned 4. My husband deeply regrets missing out on so much of our children's early years.

We have both been very inspired by this work-life balance TED talk:
http://www.ted.com/talks/nigel_marsh_how_to_make_work_life_balance_work.html
 
Hang in there. It sounds like life is very hard and full of sacrifices at the present, but will pay off in the end. And the end is in sight: December for the teaching and February for your dissertation. Your family is there for you, and your ukuleles will be waiting. Life will be ever so much better in early 2012! That'll be 2 cents, please.

There is a lot of wisdom in this. I concur. I'd hang in there with the thought that when this is over, your CV (or resume) will be better for it. You are right to have called it an "opportunity" not an obstacle, even though it seems like one at the moment.
 
I really feel ya bro. I have a 7th month old and I work around 100+ hours a week. Fortunately I'm self employed and work from home so it does make things a bit easier, but I don't get to spend nearly as much time with my family as I'd like. I know the feeling of living with your family and missing them at the same time. Recently I started a new thing where I spend about 2 hours each day just spending time with my wife and son regardless of how much work I have to do and it's really helped. I think a big part of it is having actual scheduled time vs. Just trying to find time in-between all the work.
 
One of the things I do is write books. My last one was titled "Get Happy, Write Away". In this case, "Write" is just that. I tell people to write down their dreams, their goals-- including recreational, occupational, family, etc... and create an action plan to bring them to fruition. One important thing is to pursue your passion. If you LOVE WHAT YOU ARE DOING, then the task is well-suited for you. If you don't love what you are doing, well, let's just say that you are not alone.

I worked in "business management" for many years. In fact, I managed a fly fishing resort that became one of the top twenty fly fishing destinations in the world by industry rating. I put in about 360 days a year as resident manager there. So, after turning gray, and after one of the "partners" that owned the business tried to screw me over, I quit-- two weeks before the opening of trout season. Eventually, they lost the business and had to sell. I had moved on.

Finding out what it is you really want to do and pursuing it is the key to enjoying life. When I was teaching fly fishing for a living, the students, doctors, hot-shot lawyers, big industrialists and Wall Street types would all tell me that they would love to have my job. They worked all the time and were extremely wealthy, and for the most part, miserable. They envied me because I spent my days on a wild trout stream and my nights playing music.

I still work a lot, but my day job is an inventory analyst. No pressure at all. I write books. I teach people how to find their passions. I play music. I publish Ukulele Player Magazine. I take time out for my wife whenever possible.
 
"As you ramble on through Life, Brother, whatever be your Goal, keep your eye upon the Doughnut and not upon the hole"

No one can really answer your question, but I've found that being stretched gives me confidence to overcome the next hurdle that comes along, and as sure as day follows night, there is allways another hurdle to negotiate.

(actually according to The Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy the answer is "42")
 
Thanks guys. The family is the reason that I am doing all this. They are my world and I'm not willing to compromise my time with them for anything. Our future does depend on me completing what I started soni have to see it all through.

mendel, you're a very 'together' guy and I'm sure that within, you know the answer to this question. You are putting yourself through a busy time in the short term, for a payback that will bear fruit, and continue to, in the long term. As you mentioned, the post is only until December. Keep the shoulder to the wheel, and reassess at Christmastime. Many peoples' lives end up in regret at unfulfilled, half-completed tasks. You're son will still not even have had his 2nd birthday when this phase is complete mate. And, as you are looking at working from home ultimately anyway, this will give you that flexibility you need, and the hours at home to spend with your wife and son as he grows up. Sounds like you've got things well in order. :)
 
You are going through a hard time and you've got pressure on your shoulders, but you have answered your question; you are doing all this for your family.
I also worked in a nursing home, and some of the residents age "badly" because they are filled with regrets and are embittered. Hang in there, perhaps take a real day off to reconnect with yourself and your family, it will do you good. Your life is changing and that can be ovewhelming, but focus on the reasons you are doing all of this for.

Good luck!
 
Top Bottom