Self Esteem

Little Plink

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Hey UU.

I've always had problems with my self esteem. At my very first school, EVERYONE was an athlete, and if you weren't, then you weren't accepted. So I grew up thinking that musicians were obsolete to athletes. Additionally, my mom always thought I was kind of a waste of time until she learned I could play, and my entire living family on my dad's side is obsessed with football. From grades one to six I was friendless. I would come home from school every day, do homework, practice violin, then hide from my family and from my life, just plucking a cheap electric guitar with no amp in my basement.

Then I got good.

Hours and hours a day with nothing to do and a small background in music theory is something that can easily get you good at an instrument. I became entangled with the world of music. To this day, I can pick up pretty much any instrument and play it with a fair amount of ease. I used to think that was really cool. The problem with music for me is that when you get to the top of a mountain, you look back down, and you feel as if you've taken a stroll though a cool meadow. This has started to happen to me with the 'ukulele. When I first saw James Hill's version of Billie Jean, I thought it was amazing. But for me to learn a song I have to take it apart and examine it, and once I do, it seems simple, so the wonder is gone from the song.

Now I can play it, but since I know how to play it, it seems like it doesn't matter. It's not just with that song. It's with every song. It's really frustrating when you spend all that time learning something, and then feeling like you have nothing to show for it. I literally have spells of depression because of this! The only reason I haven't considered quitting is because then, I would have nothing again. My new school is very artistically inclined, and I would be rejected just as I was before if I didn't have "talent." (If you can call it that.) Don't even say I wouldn't be rejected because I don't believe in unconditional love just as much as I don't believe in unconditional friendship. My whole life has taught me not to.

Does anyone else have these problems or is it just me?
 
Little Plink:
Everyone struggles with feelings of rejection, depression, thoughts that no one will accept them. We all need to find positive ways to overcome them.

Developing your musical talent is a great start, but as you have learned, talent by itself is empty. It is a start but it is not an end. You also need friends and not just friends who are impressed with your talent. You need friends who accept you. They are out there. You have to be careful, some people want to use you, for a variety of selfish reasons. But real loving people are there, I have found some.

From my perspective (I'm a lot older than you) it gets better as you get older. School is a pressure-filled environment with a lot of emphasis on who is popular and who fits in. Being different will cause rejection, even if the difference is not a negative thing by itself.

Please hang in there, keep developing your musical talent, get a good education while you are at it, and look for good friends who will support you and not demand that you fit their mold.
 
Aloha Little Plink,
Follow your passions in life and you will find happiness....get together with people with the same intrest and beliefs as you...whatever that may be...and music, it makes the the world and your world
alot sweeter place...Follow your heart..in everything you do...Good Luck, MM Stan
 
As you get older your priorities will change. Football players and other atheleats cannot do waht they love their whole lives. Their bodies cannot maintain that wear and tear. Your music and ability to play will be something you can do your whole life. You will do nothing but get better and better. Do not get discouraged by others but enjoy what you can do. Others will eventually be telling you how they wish they could do that too.
 
Hi Little Pink

I've been where you are, not talented in music, but in other things and I've lacked (and still do lack) self-esteem, so you're not alone. The advice you've been given is good, find something you're passionate about, find some friends who like you because of who you are and not what you can do, what you're talented at. It does get easier, I promise...

Good Luck

Joey
 
Think about playing just for the joy of playing and not to "perfect" a song to impress others. I have had problems in my nearly 70 years continuing to follow through with things after I had "mastered" it. I just play for the joy of hearing myself improve and the music I make. The rest is B.S. Know what they call it when you master a whole lot of songs? - a repertoire! Skilled musicians take pride in having large repertoire. It means they can play songs that suit them in the moment because they know so many. This is quite an accomplishment, one that many musicians will envy. If you can't get over this, perhaps you need someone, even a counselor, to talk to and sort this problem out. Stick with us kid, we'll give you all the support you need.
 
Keep your chin up! High school can be rough. Don't worry about being popular. Being popular is way over rated.

It sounds like you have great musical talent. Keep working at it. Set new goals for yourself musically. Have you thought about writing or composing it brings new creativity to your music. Also jam sessions and being part of a band can really help you continue learning.

I know a lot of professional musicians both touring artist and studio rats. Many of them know hundreds and hundreds of songs and can modulate them play them in different keys ect. If you want to go pro keep picking and learning. Maybe try to meet some local pros and have one mentor you.

I work in a creative field so I understand the unique ups and downs of being a professional creative. It really helps if you can surround yourself with other creatives.
 
hi Little Plink

yeah, your story is very similar to mine. My whole life is a deep trough of low self esteem, depression, and anxiety. Thing is, it doesn't matter how good you get at something, that can never be an end in itself. You need to find a purpose for your life so you can have the freedom to enjoy it. I have more social phobias than I care to name and have run away from as many opportunities. I have always been popular but whenever I find I've gotten too close to anyone I would run a mile in the opposite direction. That's why I live almost like a hermit these days. The UU is something of a lifeline to me as you can probably tell from the crazy number of posts I've made here in a short space of time. You're not alone.

re the music side of things. I was laughed out of choir practice by students and the teacher in grade 6 at primary school. I have spent years and years trying to get over that. Now, even when many people encourage me and compliment me about the way I write, or play or sing I don't believe it. The feeling of being shithouse is so deeply ingrained.

Hard for me to offer advice as I haven't fully come out the other side of the dark tunnel yet. A couple of things I would say though...

(i) you are still young and have time to overcome these issues. Try and stay connected to people. Your friends and family, lest that network ebb away. People weren't made to be alone.

(ii) with your music, try and develop a real appreciation and love for it. Being a good player without a genuine love for music won't sustain you in the tough times. Broaden your musical palette. Dip into genres you may have hitherto neglected. A sense of wonder is so crucial, not just in music, but in life generally.

Perhaps start writing your own songs as a way to release these pent up feelings, sadness and fears. That way you're continually reaching out into the unknown and ,by definition, forced to be creative and in a perpetual state of wonder.

(ii) re your comments on unconditional love...you need to begin to find a purpose for your life. For me, I had a series of life changing happenings in 1997-1998 that left me nearly killed and at the lowest ebb of my life where I was deliberately self destructing. I had always been curious and spiritually aware and when Buddhism left me empty I met the Lord Jesus in June of 1998. This meeting changed my life for the better. He started to clean me up from the inside out. This process continues and there is still a self destructive streak in me that I continually fight, but I know now I am not the same person as the one I was back then. I feel finally that I do have a purpose as I have a meaningful job and a loving wife and children. I don't know if you are spiritually inclined but I pray that you'll begin to find a purpose in your life in the coming weeks, months, years.

(iv) Don't look to or rely on other people to give you the peace you're looking for. It won't happen. It must come from inside yourself in the end.

Blessings and peace to you Little Plink. Please PM me if you want to talk to me at all. I'm a good listener. :)

eugene
 
Everyone has been very supportive as it should be. Let me pose this question to you. You say you learned to play it (Billie Jean) and discovered it was simple, but you learned it from from listening to James Hill. That's great, but who did James Hill learn it from? No one. Most of us feel lucky to learn someone elses repertoire. It takes a whole other level of talent to create these things than it does to recreate them.

Maybe creating your own arrangements or better yet your own compositions might prove more challenging?

There will always be some that accept us and some (maybe most) that don't. I don't have an answer for that other than put your left foot in front of your right, right in front of your left and repeat as necessary. Our lives are what we make of them and in the end we have to be satisfied with our own efforts.

All the best. Take it to the next level. That's all anyone can do.
 
Everyone has been very supportive as it should be. Let me pose this question to you. You say you learned to play it (Billie Jean) and discovered it was simple, but you learned it from from listening to James Hill. That's great, but who did James Hill learn it from? No one. Most of us feel lucky to learn someone elses repertoire. It takes a whole other level of talent to create these things than it does to recreate them.

Maybe creating your own arrangements or better yet your own compositions might prove more challenging?

There will always be some that accept us and some (maybe most) that don't. I don't have an answer for that other than put your left foot in front of your right, right in front of your left and repeat as necessary. Our lives are what we make of them and in the end we have to be satisfied with our own efforts.

All the best. Take it to the next level. That's all anyone can do.

James Hill learned Billie Jean from MJ (hardly "no one"), just the same as you learned it from James Hill. You can play anyone else's song and any arrangement but you will always put a bit of yourself into it. The more of yourself you put in, the more you get out. So definitely agree, take it to the next level and make your own arrangements. Something you are probably already doing to some degree.

Another thing you can try is just changing your audience.
 
Hmm- I can tell you what not to do...don't turn all that into hostility. Such a lot of baggage for such a young kid (sigh).
I was the heavy set fellow (180 and 5'2" in sixth grade). Not so good. Affluent area- other kids wore designer clothes, I wore corduroy pants that said HUSKY right across the ass (not helping). Dad wanted a sports star, I was terrible. Dad wanted an Eagle Scout, I got thrown out...
I became the most hostile kid you have ever seen. I was certainly the most hostile I have ever seen, and I have been a teacher for 16 years (meaning I see lots of kids).
Fortunately somewhere along the way I discovered music...but my time sitting in my room was always dedicated to drawing or painting (and listening to music). Neither here or there- the important bit is that at some point (and mind you, I was in college and had met the woman I would marry by the time I sorted this out) I had a revelation.
First, the people who I was trying to get to accept me were not really worth the effort.
Second, my parents, convinced I would not amount to much, were wrong. Super wrong...
Third..and there are two ways to do this, some are sad about who they are and the lot they are dealt, some are really angry. I figured that anger was going to land me in jail for good or kill me, so away it goes.

Still flares up now and again, but I could draw stick figures on a card for my dad now and he would be pleased at this point. As far as being really good at anything...well, I yo-yo better than anyone in my town...at 38 years old. Makes me smile so I figure it is a good thing. As for music- well, I am terrible. Does not stop me for a minute. I will play anywhere, in front of anyone because I could care less what they think of it- it is making me happy and that is what matters to me.

Now for the music. Totally agree with Eugene on this one- DIG DEEP. Want some deep cuts? I got your back on anything you want, Soul, Deep Funk, Reggae Rocksteady and Ska, Old time, Rockabilly, Punk, and Western Swing- I can keep you busy for years- just PM me.
Next- if you can play as well as James Hill, STOP listening to James Hill and START writing. Period. Today. Don't play like James Hill, be the next James Hill right?
Last- again- big ups Eugene- Don't look for approval anywhere and in anyone (of course, until you find that special other person who you really figure you ain't going to live without). the peace you are looking for is totally inside you. Play music to create, not imitate. It's like a painting- if you are working on it, it will never quite be done and never reach that conclusion you have described above.

Do this and one day you will grow up, and all the other grown ups will think you are weird as heck, and you will just smile. I promise. You will find you meet a lot of really cool people who are weird too...in fact, you will find we out-number the normal ones 10 to 1 and we live much more fulfilling lives. Ten years from now, that football star will still be talking about games he is playing today on his facebook page and well, you win when that happens (and it will). I have made a life style out of not fitting in, and it is a pleasant one.
Cheers Mate-
 
Wow pink tough act to enter here. First I could take you through all my personal problems and getting through but that won't do a lot for you because yours will be the same but different. Or I could tell you about my son whos taken many years to get back, but hes finally on the road to happiness. The best advice I can give you is what I tried to give my son , find what makes you happy. Don't feel you always have to be the greatest, being pretty good works as long as your at a level that you enjoy whatever it is. Try to hang out with people who are satisfied doing what you want to do and don't try to impress all the time ,sometimes is always cool. All said try to learn satisfaction. because you do have to learn how to be satisfied, nothing comes automatic. Take the time to enjoy and grin at life that why ukes make us smile! I'm not a young man any longer But I spent 20 of my younger years sailing all over the world and for a young man it was a blast but I'm not sure I'd do it again who know if life gave us do overs what we would do. There will be great times and bummers grin at the great ones and enjoy, love the simple things that make you happy. Learn from the bummers but don't dwell on them. Lastly you have two people who love you unconditionally , Believe it please, and When it gets low talk to them please, Someday you will know how much no matter what you think at times. So play a little music and smile !
 
I was on a bus in a foreign country, talking with the national champion of another country in the sport I did at the time. They told me of the well, rather unspectacular performance that they won their Nationals with, and I told them the rather unspectacular one I'd won my Nationals with. It was an eye-opening experience. Why were we national champions??? Because we got up and we did it, that's why. I went on to do better and I guess they did, and the fact remains: If you get out and DO it, you're ahead of 99.999% of people.
 
School when you're in it seems like it's going to be that way the rest of your life, but it isn't. What you think about yourself is more important than what people you go to school with think. Most people who are athletes in school, once they are out it's downhill from there. That's the highlight of the rest of their lives. I think it's pretty sad. Music can go with you forever. Look at Les Paul, jamming into his '90s. Use school to learn tools for life after school.

As for learning a song and just feeling Meh, it's just a song.. that sounds more like the depression is causing the feelings about the music, rather than the feelings about the music causing the depression.

Also you might be the super bright student who's bored silly, and you need a greater challenge to get the joy back. Agree with above posters who suggest you need to start writing your own stuff now, stuff that is self affirming!

Also don't forget, the geek will inherit the Earth.
 
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I play music for myself and could care less if others disapprove. If they like it great and if they don't, that's fine to.

Stop caring so much about what others think. Half the athletes I knew were incredibly shallow,
I wouldn't want to hang out with or be like them anyway.
I use to be friends with people who only cared about who was best, showing off, ego's inflated and if you weren't the best? You were nothing.
I got rid of those people. They are a waste of time and terribly immature.

I know you've heard this before but you should appreciate what you have. There are plenty of people who would love to have what you have.
There is some kids in this world who will never get a chance to do what you can do today.
I knew a girl who was born with only half her right arm. She'd always tell me how much she wanted to learn the guitar,
she'd carry a cheap guitar. Looking forward to the prosthetic she was going to receive and try to play.
In this harsh reality she will always be limited. No matter how much I wish it wasn't that way.

Your dads family is obsessed with football? My mothers side of her family is dead.
You know how rare real friends are? I've had maybe 2-3 that I'd consider that close. All the rest were acquaintances of sorts
If my friends completely rejected me just because I didn't have a talent, well, they really weren't my friends and aren't worth it.

You've reached the top of the mountain? Really? Try something else. Life is continuous. So should be your improvement of yourself in all parts of your life.
If music isn't doing it for you today try something else. Try being an "athlete" for a day a week.
Try anything new, you may not be the best at it, but you can enjoy yourself. There are no rules, only social standards and expectations. Forget that. Do what you want.

Some have already listed great answers:

1. Start listening to new genre's of all kinds, open your view.

2. Start composing your own music either by yourself or with a band or both.

3. Get a new audience and new friends.

You sound incredibly talented. I'd love to hear anything you'd come up with and I'm sure the UU community feels the same.

I apologize if any of this came off as too harsh.
 
My brother used to argue that low self-esteem may be a good thing because it can motivate you to improve yourself. And then he would use himself as an example: "Look at me, I have really low self-esteem, and look how great I turned out". I kid you not.
 
James Hill learned Billie Jean from MJ (hardly "no one"), just the same as you learned it from James Hill. You can play anyone else's song and any arrangement but you will always put a bit of yourself into it. The more of yourself you put in, the more you get out. So definitely agree, take it to the next level and make your own arrangements. Something you are probably already doing to some degree.

Another thing you can try is just changing your audience.

I guess it went without saying that Hill learned it from Jackson, but thanks for clearing that up. :)
 
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