Please watch and comment (original song)

Ok this is my second original song.

I cant sing ....

I have owned a ukulele since Christmas...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C5BKloqFn0

tell me what you think please

ok the link should should work now..

Very nice effort. I'm impressed when people write their own songs. I don't like to tell people how to deliver messages that are personal to them, and I'm not a songwriter, but I would have liked a bridge somewhere in the song. Your chord progression riff is nice, but it gets a little monotonous toward the end of the song. A bridge, where either the chords or the progressions or both are different than those in the verses, might have helped with that. But it's cool that you wrote your own song and posted it on YouTube.

By the way, stuff like this usually gets posted on the "Videos and Links" board.

I echo the comment above, it needs a middle-eight, but it also needs a hook of some kind. Lyrically I'd be tempted to write a stronger chorus, perhaps repeating the "Times that you come home" line a couple of times:
eg:

Times that you come home, darling,
Times that you come home
I wait and pray, most every day,
For the times that you come home.

It's so you have a kind of lyrical riff to echo your Uke riff. BTW - You need to play a little quieter or position the mike so that it picks up your voice better on future vids. The uke was far too dominant in that mix.

I always think that when people ask for song help here they should give us the lyrics. This is best for two reasons:
1) to avoid any misheard lyrics (known as mondagreens)
2) because I always think any weaknesses in a lyric are more blatant on the page.

BTW - You can sing. In fact your voice is perfect for the kind of post-romantic stuff that my 14 year old daughter listens to a lot. On the evidence, you are no Tom Jones, but neither was Morrissey of the Smiths and he made an entire career out of his somewhat limited vocal range and influenced a generation of vocalists after him.

So, in short, keep at it. Song-writing is a craft. The more you do it, the better you get. I always feel that it's better to write a hundred songs a year (that's less than two a week) in order to get twenty great songs and ten masterpieces than to spend the entire year honing one or two pieces.

Good work Aperseghin, if that's number two you'll do well.

um.. there is a bridge..

I think the fact that two of the people who commented (including me) didn't really notice it probably means that it needs stand out more than it currently does as a bridge.

I've been a cartoonist and writer for a long time, and the thing I appreciate most about feedback is having my work seen with new eyes. I often find that I thought I did things in my creative work that other people didn't notice. I found that I tended to see things merely because I expected them to be there or I'd put them there, while fresh eyes wouldn't see them because they weren't looking specifically for them, and I learned to trust what people said when they were approaching my work fresh and without expectations. My comments weren't meant to be critical in a bad sense. I just wanted to give you feedback on what I saw and heard. If I didn't hear something you wanted me to see, that provides you with information about how noticeable it is to someone who, unlike the work's creator, has no reason to know it's there. The song is good and I think it has a lot of potential to be stronger.

I too only ever make comments within a sense of constructive criticism.

I invite anyone to do that for anything I put up on the net. Indeed, I have a friend who is my staunchest critic and will tell me. "That line was not up to the standards I expect of you!" and similar comments (explaining what was crass about the image, or clichéd etc). Subsequent re-writes have only improved the songs in question.

cool! great video

The previous post has been reported as shameless self advertising..

I think that what i need to do is work on the changes between chorus/bridge/verse and make them stand out more. strum pattern changes etc..

I don't think UkuleleHan96's post is breaking any rules. Links are in the sig, and this is the Videos and Links section. Technically we're fine.

That said, I would point out that when posting a large number of very brief (perhaps repetitive) comments, it doesn't look great if one's signature and links have more content than the posts. I'd like to think that people post here in order to participate in the community, and not just to promote themselves.

Thanks for your attention. Please carry on.

That was a great attempt and I liked the lyrics. I write my own songs also and I mess them up all the time! I'm not the worlds greatest song writer and I'm always learning. As an artist (visual arts) myself, I never critique anyone's work unless they ask me to do so. I appreciate the fact that you asked. I would have to agree with some of the comments above but, it's only the second song that you have written, so good job!

As Berni said, you can sing. I would add that you just don't know it yet. I think that many of us are self conscious of our own voice. I never think I sound all that good when I listen to myself in recordings.

good job, heard a hint of lou reed in voice,