The most fun i had with a ukulele is when my pals on UU helped me date an attractive older Martin; she had a tight waist, a thin neck, and sported a low G-string. She was quite a bit older than me and, as such, was a tad dry--she had a thin body but a rather large crack (I, honestly, wouldn't say she had much nitrocellulose, though)--so I oiled her a bit and she started to open up. At first, she truly avoided any attempts by me for a pickup; that's how the Martins can be, quite sharp, quite unlike the Gibsons, who actually welcome a loud pickup. But the Martin played fast once I held her for a while, strapless, and then I discovered that the old gal had played around quite a bit in the past: she showed me a tramp stamp in her sound hole that had her name and "Nazareth, Pennsylvania". But by then it was too late, she had me pegged. She'd fan me, and all I could do was brace myself when she turned just so, revealing her ivoroid curves. I wasn't even waverly in my adoration for her. I was headstock over heels for her!
One night while she was strumming my faceplate, I reached underneath her low-tension catgut, and felt something as hard as ebony. I was shocked to find that she actually possessed a genuine bone nut! It created quite a buzz between us. She started to make me fret: I'm just not geared for this much friction, I told her. This new discovery would be tough to bridge. If I wanted a large nut, I'd get a baritone!
She stuck to me like animal glue, and she made a convincing case that we should stay saddled to one another. By then, I felt picked over, to be honest, and we were now just out of tune. The whole relationship just felt flat. I made a pitch that we should neck one last time, and she said she was sorry for being a complete 'hog, an unsightly ding. I asked her to tone it down, let's not sustain this tenor. After some purfling back and forth, we both knew what had to be done. Finally, we ended our bout. She put on a new nylon G-string, and by then even she felt it was over, so she went back to Nazareth, probably to some tortoise named Grover who didn't mind binding with her despite her having 0 style.
Although I tried to tune her out, she will always resonate deeply within me.