Today's Chuckle

Nickie

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Back by popular demand....I can't promise a funny story every day, but I'll do my best.
Here's the first of many (I hope)

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and whichfork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f***ing widow."
 

CeeJay

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Top one...gave me my early morning chuckle...
 

Nickie

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John inherited a parrot whose every other word was a cussword.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and
even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands,
grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change
in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
 

g'est

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Brilliant! :D

I got my chuckle! And I really needed one today. Thanks! :)

I hope you'll keep it going!
 

Jim Yates

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I've always liked this one...perhaps not quite as funny when you clean up the language, but this is a family site:

A grocery clerk was busy stacking cans when a woman tapped him on the shoulder and asked, "Could you tell me where the broccoli is?"
"I'm sorry Ma'am," said the clerk, "but we're all out of broccoli."
The woman went back to her shopping and the clerk went back to stacking cans.
A few minutes later the clerk felt another tap on the shoulder and the woman said, "Excuse me, but I still can't seem to find the broccoli."
"We don't have any more broccoli Ma'am, but there should be plenty tomorrow."
The clerk went back to stacking the cans, but, sure enough in about five minutes he felt another tap on the shoulder.
"Could you please help me find the broccoli," asked the woman.
"Yes, but first, could you answer a couple of questions for me?" asked the clerk.
The woman agreed and the clerk asked, "How do you spell cat as in catastrophe?"
"C-A-T," said the woman.
"Right!" said the clerk. "Now how do you spell dog as in dogmatic?"
"D-O-G," said the woman.
"Right!" said the clerk. "And how do you spell freak as in broccoli?"
"There's no freak in broccoli," said the woman.
"Right!" said the clerk.
 

Nickie

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I became confused when I heard the word " Service " used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is what I thought 'Service' meant.


But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM !!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing.

I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.
 

Down Up Dick

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A man opened his refrigerator door and found a squirrel sitting on the cottage cheese box.

"Wha-- What are you doing here?" The man stammered.

"Isn't this a Westinghouse?" Answered the squirrel.

"Yes, but--but I don't see what that . . ."

"Well," interrupted the squirrel. "I'm westing"
 

CeeJay

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I became confused when I heard the word " Service " used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is what I thought 'Service' meant.


But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM !!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing.

I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.


Ah ,
Now reminds me of this OOOoooooold one.......

A young maiden, the farmer's daughter, was tripping her way down the country path and leading a delightful young cow .
A Vicar passing said "Hello ,Young Lady ,and where are you going leading that delightful young cow?" The Young Maiden replied ...

"Down to the bottom field so that she can be serviced by the Bull"

Somewhat discomfited and embarrassed the Vicar spluttered ..

"But ,but, but...shouldn't your father do that ?"

Young Maiden " Oh no reverend ...it has to be the Bull !!"
 

Nickie

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Jewish Wife's Unexpected Arrival



Yankelea's wife Feige came home early and found Yankele in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

Feige was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a Get (Jewish divorce) right away!'

And Yankele replied, 'Hang on just a minute Feige so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And Yankele began -- 'Vell, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took rachmones [**pity ] **on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the luckshen kugel I made for you last night, the food you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer outfit that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say it's too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Chanukah that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.

Yankele took a quick breath and continued - She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use.....
 

Nickie

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SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING THE DUST FROM HER FACE
AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE
SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKY
IN THE OTHER.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND
LAUGHED, SAYING, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID,
"NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND
SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND
STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER
TOE BLOWN OFF -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY
WAS LAUGHING.

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUN-
SLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED
AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A
DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT
AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE
TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST
DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT
OLD WOMEN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN
BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD
WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER
LICKED A MULE'S ASS?" THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD
AND SAID, "NO MAM.....BUT......I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:


1 - Never be arrogant

2 - Don't waste ammunition.

3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.

I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
 

cletus

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Nickie, you are fu#&ing awesome!!

Thanks :cheers:
 

Nickie

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An ethnic joke.....


A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted
hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!”

"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but . . . I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me,or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped,


"They won't let me in without a tie!”
 

Nickie

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A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding..



Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
 

Nickie

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The potty

a little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand.

His mother says: "billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."

billy says: "i'm fine, mommy. I just haven't gone potty yet."

mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes, but, billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

billy says: "works for ketchup."
 

Down Up Dick

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I'm sorry ksiegel, but I just don't get it! I've looked at the darned thing two or three times. Huh? :eek:ld: