Today's Chuckle

plunker

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HEART WARMING LAWYER STORY

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.
They are over there eating grass under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, Even for a car as large as
the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,
you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place The grass is
almost a foot high."
 

plunker

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International News:
Today a deposed Nigerian Prince was found dead in his opulent 3,000 S.F ocean front apartment. In the apartment was $ 75,000,000 in cash His diary noted he was depressed because even though he had sent out many many emails to share his wealth, no one responded.
 

Nickie

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One fine day, Mick and Paddy were out on a lovely lake, in their boat, fishing. Neither was catching a thing. Hours later, Paddy hooks something deep down, and very heavy. He reeled and reeled until he got it high enough for Mick to use his net to get it into the boat.It fell with a thud, covered in mud. They wiped off the mud, and lo and behold, it was an old bottle with a cork in it.
Mick says, "Look, I'll bet ya that this is a bottle of very old Irish whisky. Let's cork it and see."Paddy says, "I'm pulling the cork, I caught it."
So he did, and a huge green genie popped out and wafted overhead. It looked down at them and spoke!It says, "Wow, thanks for letting me outta that bottle, I been in there maybe 200 years!Now you can have a wish, anything ya desire!"
Paddy says "I should wish, I hooked it." So, Mick says "Ok."
Paddy tells the Genie, "Turn this whole lake into the finest ale."
So the Genie does it!
Then Mick, shaking his head, says, "Paddy, ya daft fool, now we hafta pee in the boat!"
 
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Nickie

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We read a report that showed that most automobile accidents happen within 5 miles of home....

So we moved.
 

Nickie

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I keep watching this over and over, it's the best!
 

prd

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Have you heard about the paper cowboys?
They were caught and hung for rustling.
 
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plunker

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A man told his new wife, I'll make all the big decisions and you can make the little ones...
I'll decide how big the universe is, what God is like, and the validity of the theories of alternative dimensions..
You can decide on what house to buy, what car to buy etc.
 

TopDog

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I used to play triangle in a reggae band. I sat next to the drummer an 'ting....
 

rps

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Yesterday I was attacked by a gang of mimes.....they did unspeakable things to me....
 

Jerryc41

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Yesterday I was attacked by a gang of mimes.....they did unspeakable things to me....

yes, mimes can be terrifying, and voice identification is impossible. Also, you can't complain that they threatened you. ;)
 

Nickie

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Andy was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screaming Monster Roller Coaster - everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

"Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed,

"I meant my dress size, you dumba$$!"
 

Nickie

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I do hope this isn't a repeat....but it's a true story!

A mother was driving a little girl to her friend's house for a playdate. "Mommy?" the little girl asked. "How old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite.."

"Okay", the little girl said. "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really!" the mother said. "Those are personal questions and are none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asked, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That's enough questions, young lady. Honestly!"
The exasperated mother walked away as the two friends began to play.

"My mom won't tell me anything about herself" the little girl said to her friend.

"Well," said the friend "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl said to her mother, "I know how old you are. You're 32."

The mother was surprised and asked, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother was past surprised. She was shocked.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl said triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce!"

"Really?" the mother asked. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."
 
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The other day my wife said to me, “you didn’t hear a word I said to you!”

And I thought, “That’s an odd way to start a conversation.”