Today's Chuckle

John Colter

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"I think that joke is as old as our numbering system"

Yup. It's been around since the chicken first considered crossing the road.:D

John Colter
 

Jim Yates

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John Colter reminded me of this one.

A chicken walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve chickens."
The chicken says, "Is there any place around here where I can get a drink?"
"Sure," says the bartender. "It's across the road."
 

clear

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What? My number joke is too old? :)

I worked with a bunch of Russians at my former job; and, as a consequence, I heard many Russian jokes. Almost all the jokes are like some kind of dark comedy. Here's one I remember:

During Stalin's speech, somebody in the audience sneezed. Stalin stopped and solemnly asked the audience, "who sneezed?" Nobody spoke up.
Stalin points to the row of audience in a sweeping motion with his finger and said, "first row, execute." Stalin continues his speech but was again interrupted by a sneeze from the audience. Again, he asks "who sneezed?" No answer. He again points to the rows of audience and says "second row, execute". He continues the speech and was interrupted a third time by a sneeze. He stops and asks "who sneezed?". Finally, a timid voice from the audience said "I am sorry, I sneezed." Stalin looked at the man and said "gesundheit" and continued his speech.

I also play chess and have a few chess jokes:

Why doesn't the king and queen invite the knight to their party? They are afraid of getting forked.

A person walks in the park and see a man playing chess with a dog. Amazed, he says to the man, "wow, that's a smart dog!" The man replies, "What do you mean? I win most of the games."
 

Ukecaster

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Have you heard about the 3 rings of marriage?

First, you have the engagement ring.

Next, you have the wedding ring.

Then, you have the suffering! ;)

(My wife hates when I tell that joke)
 
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Extremely old joke,
EXTREMELY old,

Why do they name hurricanes after girls?

Have you ever heard of a hisacane?
 

Nickie

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Oldies but goodies:

An Aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner.



Here are some:



♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini women reveal 90% of their bodies. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application form is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

♦ I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penney has an older women’s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor"

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch.

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, & he was a drunk.
 

Nickie

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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Being short, like many elderly woman are, neither of them could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The top light was red, but they just drove straight on through it.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, and this time the light was red again, and again they went right through.

This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting really nervous now, and decided to pay very close attention to the road and sat up straighter to see what was going on

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they sailed right on through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us.”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh $hit, am I driving?
 

Nickie

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Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.



If you can’t think of a word, say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.



I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.



I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.



I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.



At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: “That’s a load of 2020.”



My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.



Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza....



I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.



I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.



A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.



Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.



Senility has been a smooth transition for me.



I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.



I love approaching 90, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.



A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.



I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.



Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.



Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.



It’s weird being the same age as old people.



When I was a kid, I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.



Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.



It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.



Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers Is that true? Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.



Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So, remember… Don’t sing!



If 2020 was a math-word-problem…. If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?



I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.



So, if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?



Coronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.



I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.



You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.



We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I’m sticking with it.
 

Jan D

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Nickie,
I don’t know where you find all of the chuckles that you post on the UU Forum, but I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate them. The ones posted above made me laugh so much that it turned into a major giggle-fest. Which then got my hubby laughing. Thanks, from both of us. Your post was the highlight of our day!
Jan
 

Nickie

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Nickie,
I don’t know where you find all of the chuckles that you post on the UU Forum, but I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate them. The ones posted above made me laugh so much that it turned into a major giggle-fest. Which then got my hubby laughing. Thanks, from both of us. Your post was the highlight of our day!
Jan
It is my pleasure, to make people laugh. Even if I can't hear you. So glad you enjoy them!
 

Nickie

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After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she loved his caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote control.'
 
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I don’t use drugs
I don’t drink alcohol
At my age I get the same effect just by standing up

From dust we come and unto dust we shall retur.
Thats why I don’t dust— it could be someone I know
 

Jim Yates

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Q - What's the difference between a singer/songwriter and a puppy?

A - The puppy eventually quits whining.
 

Nickie

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One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:

(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the preacher!"
 

Nickie

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A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
 

Nickie

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An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row, please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered.
 

Nickie

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A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole"
 

Nickie

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A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."