Today's Chuckle

[Nickie]

A man finds a magic lantern, rubs it and a genie appears. He says he'll give the man three wishes.

The man says, "I'd like to be rich." A pot of gold appears. "I'd like to live in a mansion." His house turns into one. After he gives his third wish, a tiny man, a foot tall, appears. He's playing a little piano.

"No no!" the man cries out. "I didn't say I wanted a 12-inch pianist!"

 

[Ukecaster]

 

[Voran]

Someone told this at open mike club, I forget who:

How do you know when a moth farted? It flies in a straight line.

 

[mm stan]

Back by popular demand....I can't promise a funny story every day, but I'll do my best.
Here's the first of many (I hope)

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and whichfork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f***ing widow."

 

[mm stan]

Back by popular demand....I can't promise a funny story every day, but I'll do my best.
Here's the first of many (I hope)

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and whichfork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f***ing widow."

Aloha Nickie, happy holidays, long time no chat, what's happened here, where's everyone
Happy new years, I hope you had a nice Christmas, we gotta get this forum rocking again
What happened to the word games too

 

[Nickie]

Aloha Nickie, happy holidays, long time no chat, what's happened here, where's everyone
Happy new years, I hope you had a nice Christmas, we gotta get this forum rocking again
What happened to the word games too

I don't know which word games you mean. A lot of our members are new, and are keeping UU charged up, along with us elders. Happy New Year, friend!
It's good to have you back.

 

[ksiegel]

I don't know which word games you mean. A lot of our members are new, and are keeping UU charged up, along with us elders. Happy New Year, friend!
It's good to have you back.

Ah, the word games. I give a two-word phrase, then you respond, then someone else, etc... Like this:

1) Rice Paper
2)Paper Towels
3) Gym Towels
4) Gym Socks
5) Gym Rats
6) River Rats

I think that there were two separate threads at one time - one Stan started, and one Mark Segelman (MDS725) started.

-Kurt​

 

[Canada Jim]

Two Alabama boys were driving a truck through the back roads of West Virginia when they came to an overpass with a sign which read, "CLEARANCE: 11' 3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12 feet 4 inches tall. "What do you think?" said one as they climbed back into the cab of the truck . The driver looked to his left then to his right, checked the rear view mirrors, then shifted into first gear. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance," he said.

 

[Canada Jim]

Roy Rogers is down by the creek fishing when the cavalry rides up. The sergeant of the cavalry says, "Roy, Roy...outlaws have burned down your ranch!"
Roy throws down his fishing pole angrily and starts running toward the ranch. "Wait, Roy," says the sergeant. "Come back, there's more!" Roy comes back and the sergeant says, "They kidnapped Dale!"
Infuriated, Roy turns and starts running toward the ranch. "Wait, Roy, come back, there's more," the sergeant says. Roy comes back ...and the sergeant says, "They stole Trigger too!" Now Roy is really about to explode, and he heads toward the ranch. The sergeant says, "Roy, wait!"
Roy Rogers comes back and with hatred in his eyes yells, "NOW WHAT!!!" The sergeant says, "How 'bout a song before you go?"

 

[Canada Jim]

Now that we're living through an actual plague, I can totally understand why all those Italian Renaissance paintings are full of naked, fat people laying on couches.

 

[mds725]

A musician was unpopular because he wrote and performed all of his songs in one of only two keys.

His detractors burned him in F and G.

 

[Another Ukulele]

I’m tired of being ”the adult”
im tired of being a human being
i wanna be a goat
then,
I can eat anything I want AND I can head butt anyone who annoys me

 

[Another Ukulele]

My goal is to build a life that I don’t need to take a vacation from

 

[peanuts56]

This is funny and completely true. I taught band/string/classroom music for 34 years, my last 13 were in an arts magnet elementary school. The auditorium is state of the art and is often rented by outside groups. A ballet company was renting the theater to put on The Nutcracker. They volunteered to put on a performance for the school on a Friday afternoon.
One of the first grade teachers who is a very close friend had a boy who was a handful He was a likeable kid but had a stubborn streak and could drive you crazy. Apparently, his parents swore a lot in the home and sometimes he did as well. My colleague would always have him sit next to her in the auditorium to make sure he didn't act up. The Nutcracker performance was very long and some of the kids got antsy. So did I and I ended up going back to my room to get some work done. Anyway, this little guy was getting really fidgety. He turned to my friend and said, Jesus Christ woman! How long is this show? She wanted to laugh but had to look away so he wouldn't see her reaction.

 

[Canada Jim]

Bumper stickers seen in western Canada:

There's a place for all of God's creatures
Right beside the mashed potatoes.

If we're not supposed to eat animals,
How come they're made of meat?

 

[Canada Jim]

Old MacDonald started to type "reinvention", but he discovered that none of the consonants on his keyboard were working,
so he just typed,"eieio".

 

[clear]

Here's also a true story. Wife volunteers in son's 3rd grade classroom. One day, they watched Ratatouille and there was a mouth-to-mouth kissing scene between a man and woman. According to wife, many kids covered their eyes, there were screams of "R rated", and 1 was running around the classroom from the embarrassment.

 

[kkimura]

Aloha Nickie, happy holidays, long time no chat, what's happened here, where's everyone
Happy new years, I hope you had a nice Christmas, we gotta get this forum rocking again
What happened to the word games too

I found three word games in the General forum!

 

[rps]

A guy in a restaurant stops a pretty waitress as she passes by his table.

"Excuse me, Miss. Can I ask you a question about the menu, please?"

She threw a drink in his face.

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

 

[Another Ukulele]

I want a life that I don’t need to take a vacation from.