Today's Chuckle

[Nickie]

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.

As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.

"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ."

"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church .."

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

 

[Nickie]

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "

 

[clear]

From animes (cartoons) I watched long ago. these were so funny that I remembered them all these years (like 30+ years).

A fleet of warships traveling in hyperspace towards a battle is attacked. The fleet admiral communicates to the ships to drop out of the hyperspace. after they come out, the admiral asks for a report. The report mentions: "scanner indicate 18 ships". The admiral says, "my god, only 18 ships survived." The report goes on to say, "Of 18 ships, 17 are enemy vessels."

This one is a translation issue, but so funny I can't forget it. "My frustration is beyond your comprehension"

 

[clear]

A few words from shows (I'll limit them to American since everybody knows them) that just makes me LOL everytime -

"ludicrous speed", Spaceballs
"just a flesh wound", Monty Python
"heeeeelllllooooo", Jerry Seinfeld
"Khaaannnnn", ST:TWOK

 

[Another Ukulele]

For $2,000 my friend and I will show up at your house in Hazmat Suits, ‘kidnap‘ you from your family for ‘two weeks quarantine‘ and take you on a fishing trip.

 

[Another Ukulele]

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole"

The elderly Methodist lady who asked to be buried with a fork, because when they tell you to keep your fork after the casserole it means desert is coming - the best is yet to come.
(I’m a lapsed Methodist)

 

[Nickie]

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford on the subject of modern nutrition.

"The rubbish we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said:

"Wedding Cake?"

 

[VegasGeorge]

True story: While attending a puppy training class at Pet Smart we were sitting in a group listening to the instructor talk about how to get control of your dog in an emergency situation. By way of example, she asked us what we would shout out if we saw our three year old child running toward a hot stove with outstretched arms. This older gentleman sitting across from us looked up and said, "Atonement!"

 

[Nickie]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.



The ball hit one of them and he immediately fell to the ground

clutching his hands together to his groin, rolling around in obvious

agony.



The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize.



"Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could

relieve your pain if you'll allow me" she told him.



"Oh no I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man grunted, still lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.



"Don't be silly, Let me help!" she told him and, following her persistence, he finally allowed her to help.



She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides, she loosened his trousers and put her hand inside. She administered tender and skilful massage for several long moments and then asked "How does that feel?"



He replied, "It feels terrific, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

 

[Nickie]

Why I Miss Rodney Dangerfield​

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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.​

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I went to a massage parlour. It was self-service.​

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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!​

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Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.​

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A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!​

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A hooker once told me she had a headache.​

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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'​

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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.​

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I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.​

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The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'​

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My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.​

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I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.​

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My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.​

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My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.​

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My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.​

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It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.​

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I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.​

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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.​

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I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.​

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I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.​

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When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."​

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I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.​

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I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father He said he wanted more proof.​

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Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."​

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My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.​

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I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.​

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I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."​

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I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.​

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One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.​

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My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.​

 

[Another Ukulele]

I’m so glad that I was young and stupid before there were camera phones

 

[Joe T]

Loved the Rodney quips and miss his as an entertainer. Thanks Nickie, enjoyed them all.

 

[Another Ukulele]

This too shall pass …. Yeh, like a kidney stone

 

[Another Ukulele]

Remember when your teacher would tell you,
”you won’t have a calculator everywhere you go!”
well, I guess we showed her.

(to be honest, I remember college professors offering extra credit for those who had no calculator and were using a Slide Rule)

 

[Another Ukulele]

And I apologize in advance,

Two potatoes are standing on the corner, which one is the prostitute?

the one with the label, Idaho.

 

[clear]

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

Spoiler: only works when spoken Ab minor

A flat miner

 

[clear]

I know a crazy musician; he's always talking about sax and ukes.

 

[Canada Jim]

I know a crazy musician; he's always talking about sax and ukes.

Martin Mull had an LP called "Sax & Violins".

 

[Another Ukulele]

Carrots may be good for your eyes, but booze will double your vision

Kids today carry around smart phones in their hands. When I was young, we‘d coat our hands with glue, let it dry and peel it off.

 

[Another Ukulele]

Carrots may be good for your eyes, but booze will double your vision

Kids today carry around smart phones in their hands. When I was young, we‘d coat our hands with glue, let it dry and peel it off.