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Thread: Today's Chuckle

  1. #631
    Join Date
    Nov 2015
    Location
    Upper Hale, Surrey/Hants border, UK.
    Posts
    6,443

    Default

    Thinking about getting a kick bike/adult scooter.........








    ....no, really, I am......










    ....is it me, or is this shutdown affecting our brains?
    Trying to do justice to various musical instruments.

  2. #632
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Tampa Bay, FL
    Posts
    8,689

    Default An English bloke

    A bloke drinks too much and his wife says, "come home drunk again and I'll leave you." He goes out, drinks too much and pukes all over his jacket. He says to his mate, "if I come home like this my wife leaves me!" His mate says, "nah listen. Take a twenty pound note and stick it in your pocket. Go home and say to the wife you met a drunk man who puked on you and gave you the twenty for the dry cleaners." The drunk man goes home and his wife says, "swine! You're drunk and you even puked on yourself!" The man flashes the twenty and says, "no my love, I met this drunk bloke who puked on me and gave me twenty quid for the dry cleaners!" The wife looks at him and says, "then how come you have two twenties in your hand?" He says, "oh this is from the other drunk bloke I met. The one who shat my pants."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  3. #633
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Tampa Bay, FL
    Posts
    8,689

    Default

    The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebonics, as a second language.
    According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned
    Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

    Professor Shulman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question with a complaint that is either implied or stated.
    Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my bad feet?'
    Shulman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sch" or" schm" at the beginning: "Mountains, schmountains. Stay away; you want a nosebleed?"

    Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."

    Shulman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, schmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."

    Shulman provided the following examples from his best-selling text book,
    Switched-On Hebonics:

    Question: "What time is it?"
    English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
    Hebonic response: "What am I, a clock?"

    Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
    English answer: "Thanks."
    Hebonic response: "I should be so lucky!"

    Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
    English answer: "Be right there."
    Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry'
    business? Is there here a fire?"

    Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time."
    English answer: "Glad you like it."
    Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I
    gave you?"

    Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
    English answer: "Congratulations!"
    Hebonic response: "She could lose a few pounds."

    Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
    English answer: "Just say when."
    Hebonic response: "Riding, schmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"

    To the guest of honor at a birthday party:
    English answer: "Happy birthday."
    Hebonic response: "A year smarter you should become."

    Remark: "A beautiful day."
    English answer: "Sure is."
    Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"

    Answering a phone call from a son:
    English answer: "It's been a while since you called."
    Hebonic response: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead already?"
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

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