Today's Chuckle

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as they slip away, the nurse says:

"Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

The wife replies:

"The jackass had a paper route."
 
During my check-up I asked the Doctor,

"Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
 
Two little boys, Tom and Danny, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their Mom knows if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent Danny in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"
The boy screamed bolted from the room, ran directly home dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
 
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
Go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her a-- that
said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' "
 
What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements?
Bernadette.

My mate told me that his wife could do with losing a few pounds.
So I mugged her.

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'Thank you' is all I need.
Not all this 'Who are you & what are you doing in my house nonsense.

I went to the doctor's because of my Alcohol problem.
"How many units do you drink in a day?" said the doctor
I replied, "How much is a unit?"
He said, "Half a pint."
I said, "Oh great, in that case none."
"None?" the doctor said puzzled
I said, "Yeah, I don't drink halves."

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.

I told my wife she'd painted her eyebrows too high this morning.
I don't know if she agreed but she seemed surprised.


And Finally...


The European economy explained...

Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100. The farmer agreed to drop the donkey off the next morning.
The next day the farmer knocked a the door and said “I’ve got some bad news, the donkey’s dead”
“That’s Ok” said Paddy “Just give me my €100 back and I’ll buy another one”.
“I can’t” said the farmer, “I’ve already spent it”.
“Ok then, bring me the dead donkey” Said Paddy.
“What are you going to do with a dead donkey?” asked the farmer.
“I’ll raffle him off” Paddy replied.
“Who’s going to buy tickets to win a dead donkey?”
“Don’t worry, I won’t tell them he’s dead” said Paddy.
So, the farmer delivered the dead donkey to Paddy, and went on his way.

A month later, the farmer bumped into Paddy in the town. “How did you get on with that donkey?” asked the farmer.
“Oh fantastic” said Paddy “I made €898 profit from him!”
“How come?” asked the farmer “Weren’t the people upset when they found out the donkey was dead?”
“Oh, only the winner was, so I refunded him the €2 ticket price.”

Paddy now heads the Bank of Ireland!
 
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer
of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and
small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had
been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up,
stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? '

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

'Which service, the 8:30 or the 11:00?
 
In a convent in Ireland, the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying. The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands of flowers around her and trying to make her last journey comfortable. They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.

Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips. The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and whispered her last words:

"DON'T SELL THAT COW."
 
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,

"I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque.
Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike.
He won't bother you."


"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda 's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied,


"Get him Spike!"

See - Men just don't listen!
 
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone.

You have to be in Kahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.

I have made several trips there, thanks to my spouse, children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.


Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in.

It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

Or, I could just stay right here in the State of Confusion.
 
>
> Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave up. He then advised Yossel to go ahead and do it, otherwise he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day Yossel came home from work very early.
>
>
> His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. For the first time, Yossel tearfully confessed to her his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
>
>
> Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a completely-intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?”
>
>
> Yossel replied, “I think she got fired, too.”
 
I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making

biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.



"Well, whatcha' gonna do about that?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into

tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry.

I can't stand to see a man crying."



"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure.

I was late to a meeting today and my boss fired me.



When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I

don't have any insurance. Then I left my wallet in the cab I took home.



Arriving at home I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."



"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.



I bought a drink; I dropped a capsule in it and sat here watching the poison

dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!



But Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?
 
Why Teachers DRINK

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are
genuine answers (from 16 year olds)


Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. (Shoot yourself now ,
there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So
true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination
A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity.

The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and
the abdominal

cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would
work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.



AND TO THINK, SOME OF THESE PEOPLE ALREADY MAY BE IN WASHINGTON!
 
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... l The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started.....

My wife and I were at her high school reunion. She kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up years ago. I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...
....
Our lawn mower broke. My wife kept hinting that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something to do first, always important to me. She thought of a way to make her point. I came home from work to find her seated in the grass, snipping with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched then went into the house. I came out and handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but always with a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......

Saturday morning I got up early and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. I turned on the radio. It said the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" That's how the fight started...

I went to the Social Security office to apply. The lady behind the counter asked me for my ID. I realized I had left my wallet at home. I said I'll have to come back later. The Lady said, 'Open your shirt'. I showed my silver hair. She said, 'That's is proof enough for me' and processed application. When I got home, I told my wife what happened. She said, 'Next Time drop your pants. You would have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started...

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." And then the fight started........

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.
The man who invented autocorrect has died. Restaurant in peace

When you are dead, you don't know that you are dead. It is difficult only for others. It is the same if you are stupid.

I'm just waiting to see if my coffee chooses to use it's power for good or evil today.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind," Dr Seuss

Her: You never listen to me. You only hear what you want to hear!" Me. " Yes I would like a Beer"

My Dentist said I need a crown. I was like "I know right?"

I need a vacation. And by "Vacation" I mean I need to move away, find a new job on a beach with rum.

I never called you stupid but when I asked you how you spelled Mississippi and you asked me it I was talking about the state or the river, you kind of caught me off guard.

Way too many of my stories end up with " and That's why I'm not allowed to go back there anymore"

I'm so broke my nervous breakdown is on layaway

Wife came in from shopping. Husband was holding a fly swatter. Did you get them? she asked. Yup. 3 males and 2 females. How do you know that? 3 were on the beer can and 2 were on the phone!

I tried cooking supper with wine tonight-- Didn't go so well. After 5 glasses I forgot why I was even in the kitchen.

Don't forget to buy a bottle for Mom (Mother's Day) Remember you are the reason she drinks.

The secret of enjoying a good wine - 1. Open bottle to allow it to breathe. 2. If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth to mouth

Attention All Drama Queens - Auditions have been canceled for today!

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

I want to start juicing but I'm hesitant to start. I don't know how to juice Tacos.

I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer screen will say, "Your password is incorrect."

I'm great at multi-tasking - I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Tomorrow is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day!" I just made that up. Tell the Others,

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
I had My Wife Begging to me the other night - She was on her knees Begging - She Said Please come out from under the Bed and Fight Like A Man

For the first time in forever, I decided to go shoot some pool tonight. You should have seen the look on the face of those swimmers.

I've finally lost my mind. If found Don't bother to return it. It wasn't working properly anyway.
I'm Living in a drama free bubble today. Respect the bubble people, Respect it!

I have zero tolerance for racism, Turkey Bacon, decaf Coffee, and Non-Alcoholic Beer

If your Significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now You're Super Mad!". If they Laugh, Marry Them

Why Weigh yourself? You could set yourself on Fire and then roll in Broken glass and still feel the same way.

Chocolate comes from cocoa, which comes from a tree. That makes it a plant, therefore , Chocolate counts as a salad. You're Welcome.

When you see my head tilt to the right and I start to stare into space, I would RUN! The voices inside my head gave me a brilliant idea. Be very Afraid!

Never ask a woman eating ice cream straight from the carton if she is OK

Today I bought a doughnut without the sprinkles. Diets are hard.

You may not have lost all your marbles, but there's definitely a hole in your bag.

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. So have fun and give them something to talk about.

Some say that their body it a temple…Mine is a bouncy castle

Instead of a sign that says "Do Not Disturb" I need one that says 'Already Disturbed, Proceed with Caution".
 
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