Today's Chuckle

When George Burns was dating Gracie, he would always bring flowers.
But, she kept him waiting so long that he started to brings seeds instead.
 
Why doesn't the knight get invited to the king and queen's dinner party?
They are afraid of getting forked.
 
I made a New Year’s resolution to go on a diet.....I’m on the Tequila Diet and so far I’ve lost two days.....
 
Maybe it’s the wine but.....if I made Pork Tartare for dinner would it be Ground Hog day?
 
Roy Rogers is down by the creek fishing when the cavalry rides up. The sergeant of the cavalry says, "Roy, Roy...outlaws have burned down your ranch!"

Roy throws down his fishing pole angrily and starts running toward the ranch. "Wait, Roy," says the sergeant. "Come back, there's more!" Roy comes back and the sergeant says, "They kidnapped Dale!"

Infuriated, Roy turns and starts running toward the ranch. "Wait, Roy, come back, there's more," the sergeant says. Roy comes back ...and the sergeant says, "They stole Trigger too!" Now Roy is really about to explode, and he heads toward the ranch. The sergeant says, "Roy, wait!"

Roy Rogers comes back and with hatred in his eyes yells, "NOW WHAT!!!" The sergeant says, "How 'bout a song before you go?"
 
A guy walked into a bar waving an unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 calibre Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine and one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"
A voice from the back of the room called out, "You're gonna need more amo."
 
My wife opened the car door for me. It would have been a nice gesture if we hadn't been going 70 mph.
 
A guy in a restaurant stops a pretty waitress as she passes by his table.

"Excuse me, Miss. Can I ask you a question about the menu, please?"

She threw a drink in his face.

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"
 
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it....then my illegal logging business is doing well!
 
I live in Florida and have never seen anything like that. Maybe close to it at the beach. Don't fall for it. Remember hurricane season is around the corner.
 
Now I believe some of those.
Had an Bar/grill in the same center a my bank in the outparcel. One night s guy ran up a big bar tab. He could not pay so he told the owner he was going over ot the bank and get some cash.
, presumably from the ATM. Wrong got to the bank picked a garbage can through it through the window and started rummaging through the desks. Poor guy got drunk and committed a federal crime.
 
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, night.

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

11. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

12. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "June Flower."

13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

16. Keep honking, I'm reloading.

17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial Costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.

20. Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.

25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first

27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer

28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak .
 
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