Today's Chuckle

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."

Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."

The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"

Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."

"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, "My dad is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."
 
DO you enjoy playing your music to people but never notice how hideously uncomfortable they look? Here are the best instruments for being a musical wanker.

Guitar

If you’re a woman there’s a strong chance at least one date has ended with a man inviting you back to his house to play their insipid songs for a tediously long time. They may as well just toss off in front of you. Wanker rating: 7

Keyboard

If you expect people to listen to you dick around with a little Casio keyboard with a bossa nova beat – well done, you have reached new levels of self-absorption. However the true music bore needs a big cumbersome keyboard that brings back unpleasant memories of Level 42.

Quite simply it’s the only instrument for musos who want to show off their 18-minute jazz-trance-ambient compositions with titles like Infinities of the Aural Soundscape. Wanker rating: 8

Saxophone

Chances are you’re learning the sax purely because it’s cool, although in your hands it sounds more like painful flatulence. Before you fart out various tracks from your Late Night Sax compilation you should really ask anyone present to sign a consent form. Wanker rating: 6

Ukulele

The instrument of choice for people who also list vintage teacups and Wes Anderson films amongst their interests. Usually used for playing something twee and irritating from the soundtrack of Juno.

You may also be in a hipster ukulele band still doing ‘hilarious’ covers of Smells Like Teen Spirit and Purple Haze six years after everyone lost interest. Wanker rating: 9

Bongos

If you think people genuinely enjoy listening to you play the bongos you are worryingly delusional. If you play them to embellish a poem you wrote then prison is too good for you. Wanker rating: It goes up to 11
 
Please can everyone keep thoughts & prayers for my mother in law who is currently in hospital.
Her face is badly swollen after a bee landed on it.
Thankfully the bee did not sting her, as I was just too quick with the spade.


What would you call a child born of a Hollander and a Filipino?
It is rather obvious, but it did cause me to smile.
 
CVS
The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.
The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.
I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"
Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!"
So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"
Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care though, because; they aren’t very friendly there anyway!!!
 
Two former friends are catching up at a class reunion: “So what are you up to these days? Got a good job?” “Yeah, I can’t complain. I’ve roughly 450 people under me.” “Wow, that’s impressive! What is it you do?” “I mow the lawn at the cemetery.”

I saw a judge sentence somebody to 140 years. This guy jumped up and told the judge, 'Man, I can't do 140 years!' The judge said, 'Do what you can.'
 
Wonderfully British
In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
“The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourself apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you a cut above the rest of us. Look at me ! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish Blood. What do you say to that ?”
The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied,
“How very sporting of your mother”.
 
A man and a little boy walked into a barber shop together. After the man received the full treatment,shave,shampoo,manicure and haircut,he placed the boy in the chair.
Then he said, "I'm going to buy a black tie for a family funeral,I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned,the barber said,"Looks like your dad's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my dad," said the boy."He just walked up to me outside and said,'Come on,youngster,let's go and get a free haircut'."

To be is to do -- Socrates
To do is to be -- Sartre
To be or not to be - Shakespeare
Do be do be do -- Sinatra
 
M: I have your next assignment, 007, I’m sending you to a party.

007: What are my orders?

M: Mingle. Meet people. Make friends. Bond James. Bond.
 
Brain teasers....how many can you get right?


1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole... that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language... is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the President's Name...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in a third field?

Here are the Answers: (No peeking!)

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

Answer: Johnny, of course.

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now – Donald Trump [Oh, come on ..]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.

TO ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS:

Keep that brain working; try to figure this one out....

See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common?

1. Banana

2. Dresser

3. Grammar

4. Potato

5. Revive

6. Uneven

7. Assess

Give it another try....

Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the

Answer. This is so cool.....


NOW DON'T LET ME DOWN

No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters...

Answer is below!

Answer:

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.
 
Answer:

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.


I was going to say "They are all in this list"... But I guess your answer is correct, also. (g)



(Reminds me of Cliff Clavin's Final Jeopardy answer... "Who are 3 people who have never been in my kitchen...")
 
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I was going to say "They are all in this list"... But I guess your answer is correct, also. (g)

Yet another correct answer is that for each of the seven words in the list, the third letter in the word is the same as the second-to-last letter.
 
A police motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver, a real b.....d, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.


How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?
 
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years... He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I'm here to feed the alligator’.
 
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started..
 
I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....
 
I was an avid rec.humor reader for 7 years; here're a few jokes that I (kind of) remember

1. "Mommy, mommy, I don't want to go to America." "Shut up and keep swimming"
2. "Mommy, mommy, can we play with grandpa" "Sure, just remember to put the bones back in the coffin"
3. "Mommy, mommy, I don't want tomato soup" "Shut up we only have it once a month"
4. "Mommy, mommy, grandpa threw up and sis is getting all the big pieces" "Kids, remember to share"
5. "Mommy, mommy, I don't like grandpa" "Shut up and finish what's on your plate"
 
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
 
Maybe it’s my old age but I don’t get why I am the only naked person here at this gender reveal party......
 
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day, when he happened upon a fresh pile of manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since he'd dined, he flew down and began to eat. He really pigged out.
Finally, he was full and tried to fly away, but couldn't get off the ground. He looked around, considering his options. He spotted a pitchfork leaning against the wall nearby.
So, he waddled over and climbed up that pitchfork to the top of the handle, thinking that if he jumped off, once he became airborne, he would fly.
But he was wrong. He fell to the floor with a SPLAT.

The moral of the story?

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of s**.
 
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