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Thread: Today's Chuckle

  1. #561
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    A man spent all his life alone, finding no love. At age 96, he dies and goes to heaven.

    At the same time, a woman spent all her life alone, finding no love. At age 102, she dies and goes to heaven.

    As chance has it, they both meet at the heavenly library, discovering they both have a deep love for books, they start talking and amazingly enough, after a lifetime of unhappiness, fall in love.

    They walk up to God and ask to be married.

    "Give me some time," Says God, "and I’ll get back to you. This is quite extraordinary."
    heaven

    Four years pass, and after the couple waited patiently, God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.

    A few centuries pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once more and this time they ask, sadly, for a divorce.

    God responds: “It took me four years to find a priest in this place. How long do you think it’ll take me to find a lawyer?!”
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  2. #562
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    Dec 2009
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    Hey, it's Halloween! Here's a few I heard today, you can use tonight.

    Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
    A: He had no guts

    Q: What's a Mummy's favorite music?
    A: Wrap music

    Q: What food should you never offer to a vampire?
    A: Steak
    John

  3. #563
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    Jul 2009
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    took me a couple of seconds about the Vampire.

    I'm a literal person so I kept thinking about food vs 'stake'.

    I think I got it now... right?
    Uncle Rod Higuchi
    ( rohiguchi@seattleschools.org )

    MP3s: http://www.mediafire.com/?50db7nls4o6m6
    Ukulele Boot Camp, FREE Songbook, Holiday, Hawaiian & More: http://ukulelebootcamp.weebly.com
    Crazy G tutorial on YouTube ( uncle rod crazy g )
    pdf file for Crazy G:
    https://www.dropbox.com/s/0o6id06c06...20TAB.pdf?dl=0

  4. #564
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    Quote Originally Posted by Uncle Rod Higuchi View Post
    took me a couple of seconds about the Vampire.

    I'm a literal person so I kept thinking about food vs 'stake'.

    I think I got it now... right?
    Yup! You got it!
    John

  5. #565
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    Ukecastor, it took me 3 or 4 seconds to get it too.

    A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
    They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
    For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
    She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
    When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
    He asked her about the contents.
    'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
    She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
    The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving.
    He almost burst with happiness.
    'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
    Where did it come from?'

    'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the other dolls.'
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  6. #566

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    After a particularly bad day at the "office" a bear walks into a bar and orders a double scotch on the rocks.

    When the drink arrived it came without ice, which the bear brought to the waitresses attention. She, also was having a bad day and made a snarky remark to the bear.

    This annoyed the bear so much he downed the scotch and then gobbled up the waitress and left without paying the bill.

    About an hour later the bear was in the hospital complaining of severe stomach pains. Telling the doctor what his day had been like.

    The doctor tells the bear that his pain is his own fault for mixing alcohol and drugs.

    What do you mean said the bear?

    The doctors said, “clearly, that was a bar b**** you ate".

  7. #567
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    Found this earlier...
    Attached Images Attached Images
    You don't stop playing when you get old. You get old when you stop playing

    Tanglewood TU13M concert called Kalea
    Brunswick BU4-B baritone called Kalua

    My Music Blog

  8. #568
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    Aug 2014
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    When I see that painting, I always think of Mr Bill. "Oh, nooo!"

  9. #569
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    A Dark and Stormy Night
    Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe ... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late at night and raining very hard with thunder and lightning.

    Bob could barely see the road in front of the car.

    Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

    Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.

    He approaches the door and knocks.

    A minute passes and a small, hunched old man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

    "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "But we don't have a phone. But my master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
    Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
    With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
    After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

    "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."

    Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail, and Bob and Betty Hill both passed away.
    The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, haunting melody fills the house.

    Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

    He bursts in and shouts to his Master, "Master, Master"

    "The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music!"
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

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