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Thread: Today's Chuckle

  1. #641
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nickie View Post
    Back by popular demand....I can't promise a funny story every day, but I'll do my best.
    Here's the first of many (I hope)

    A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

    Passenger: "Who?"

    Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

    Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

    Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.He was an amazing guy."

    Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

    Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and whichfork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

    Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

    Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

    Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

    Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f***ing widow."
    Good one. That story keeps popping up. I wonder how old it is.
    Too many ukes, but I can't stop buying!
    https://www.catskillukulelegroup.com/

  2. #642
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    Jul 2015
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    I've often though about posting jokes or cartoons here, as I do on another forum, but I wonder what Admin thinks about that - in "Uke Talk." Now, more than ever, we need humor in our lives.
    Too many ukes, but I can't stop buying!
    https://www.catskillukulelegroup.com/

  3. #643
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    Tampa Bay, FL
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jerryc41 View Post
    I've often though about posting jokes or cartoons here, as I do on another forum, but I wonder what Admin thinks about that - in "Uke Talk." Now, more than ever, we need humor in our lives.
    Jerry, I would much rather see jokes posted here, with me. Uke Talk isn't a joke. Please, let's not make it one. OK?
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  4. #644
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    Dec 2010
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    Default Redneck loses his wife

    Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
    OFFICER: Age?
    Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.
    OFFICER: Height?
    Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
    OFFICER : Weight?
    Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
    OFFICER : Color of eyes?
    Husband: Sort of brown I think Never really noticed.
    OFFICER : Color of hair?
    Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
    OFFICER : What was she wearing?
    Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
    OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?
    Husband: She went in my truck.
    OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?
    Husband : A 2017, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 manufactured September 16th, with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.



    (At this point the husband started choking up.)


    OFFICER : Take it easy sir. We'll find your truck.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  5. #645
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
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    Catskill Mountains, NY
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jerryc41 View Post
    I've often though about posting jokes or cartoons here, as I do on another forum, but I wonder what Admin thinks about that - in "Uke Talk." Now, more than ever, we need humor in our lives.
    Ah, I see. You put this in General Discussion. I got to it through the "What's New" tab.
    Too many ukes, but I can't stop buying!
    https://www.catskillukulelegroup.com/

  6. #646
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    Default

    Sigmund Freud walks into a bar.

    The barman says, "Sigmund, why the long penis? ...I mean FACE!"



    What do you call a 12 step program for People that talk too much?

    OnAndOnAnon




    Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'
    The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 a week unemployment pay.
    Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.' Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $660 a week.
    When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
    The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
    'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  7. #647
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    Charlie, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just could not seem to get to work on time.
    Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

    One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

    “Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”

    “Yes I know boss, and I am working on it.”

    “Well good. You are a team player. That’s what I like to hear. It’s odd though, that you’re coming in late.
    I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?”

    “They said, ‘Good morning, General, can I get you coffee, sir?’”
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  8. #648
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nickie View Post
    “They said, ‘Good morning, General, can I get you coffee, sir?’”
    Old habits die hard.
    Too many ukes, but I can't stop buying!
    https://www.catskillukulelegroup.com/

  9. #649
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    7

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    A Panda Bear walks into a bar
    The barman says, “what can I get you?”
    The Panda says, “Hmmmmmmmmmmm“
    “ Ummmmmmmmmm
    “Sigh”
    “I’ll have a martini”
    The barman says, “Why the big paws?”

  10. #650
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    When I were a lad I used to keep racing pigeons
    but I couldn't keep up, the pigeons always won.


    I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it is raining in Sweden.
    How the hell am I supposed to know if it is raining in Sweden ?

    A man comes into the doctor's office with a frog attached to his forehead. The doctor asks; oh my, however did this happen? - It started as a wart on the arse, says the frog.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

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