Today's Chuckle

A new doctor is doing the rounds in the psychiatric hospital. One of the patients is making loud 'vroom-vroom' noises and holding his hands up and turning an imaginary wheel. The doctor says, 'Good morning, and what are you doing?' The patient says, 'I am driving my Maserati.' The doctor says, 'I am afraid you are mistaken. You haven't got a Maserati.'
The guy in the next bed says, 'What did you do that for? He gives me seven bucks a week to wash it.'

If a man promises to fix the sink, then he'll fix the sink. There's really no need to remind him every six months!
 
Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
 
An old bloke is sitting in the corner of a pub, clutching a pint glass and silently weeping. The barman goes over and asks if he's OK.
"No," replies the man. "I'm 76, and I've just married a woman of 25."
"Did she marry you for your money, then?" asks the barman.
"No. Her father left her a fortune. She's got millions," says the man, still crying.
"Does she not treat you well?"
"She's lovely. Bought us a big house with two acres of grounds. Drives me anywhere I want in the Bentley. And she's great cook - trained for two years with Michel Roux."
"If you don't mind me asking," says the barman, "Is it the... sex."
"Never had it so good," replies the old man, tears streaming down his cheeks. "I do it more often and in more different ways than when I was 20."
"Then why the hell are you crying," asks the barman, exasperated.
"I... I... can't remember where I live."
 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?
 
A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the
afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had
"disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded:
Where the hell are you?

Husband: Darling you remember that Jewelry shop where you saw the
Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have
money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day.

Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love.

Husband: Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop.
 
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age),
but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted!
 
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," Slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
 
I hope they give us two weeks notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we'll all need the time to become ourselves again. By "ourselves" I mean lose 10 lbs, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.

New monthly budget: Gas $0 Entertainment $0 Clothes $0 Groceries $2,799.

Low maintenance women are having their moment right now. We don't have nails to paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day. I have been training for this moment my entire life!

When this quarantine is over, let's not tell some people.

I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: "Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale."

Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over 6 weeks.

It may take a village to raise a child but I swear its going to take a vineyard to home school one.

I wanted zombies and anarchy. Instead we got working from home and toilet paper shortages. Worst. Apocalypse. Ever.

They can open things up next month, I'm staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.

Day 37: The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.

The spread of Covid-19 is based on two things: 1. How dense the population is. 2. How dense the population is.

Appropriate analogy: "The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now" = "The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now".

People keep asking: "Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?" Listen y'all, the churches and casinos are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it's probably pretty serious.

Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.

Home School, Day 1: I'm trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.

Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.

Okay, the schools are closed. So do we drop the kids off at the teacher's house or what?

For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family or will they relocate us? Asking for myself ...

Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We wander around the house looking for food. We get told "No" if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about going for walks and car rides.

The dumbest thing I've ever bought was a 2020 planner ...

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."

Enjoy your day. You don't have anything else to do.
 
An English bloke

A bloke drinks too much and his wife says, "come home drunk again and I'll leave you." He goes out, drinks too much and pukes all over his jacket. He says to his mate, "if I come home like this my wife leaves me!" His mate says, "nah listen. Take a twenty pound note and stick it in your pocket. Go home and say to the wife you met a drunk man who puked on you and gave you the twenty for the dry cleaners." The drunk man goes home and his wife says, "swine! You're drunk and you even puked on yourself!" The man flashes the twenty and says, "no my love, I met this drunk bloke who puked on me and gave me twenty quid for the dry cleaners!" The wife looks at him and says, "then how come you have two twenties in your hand?" He says, "oh this is from the other drunk bloke I met. The one who shat my pants."
 
The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebonics, as a second language.
According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned
Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Professor Shulman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question with a complaint that is either implied or stated.
Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my bad feet?'
Shulman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sch" or" schm" at the beginning: "Mountains, schmountains. Stay away; you want a nosebleed?"

Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."

Shulman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, schmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."

Shulman provided the following examples from his best-selling text book,
Switched-On Hebonics:

Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebonic response: "What am I, a clock?"

Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English answer: "Thanks."
Hebonic response: "I should be so lucky!"

Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English answer: "Be right there."
Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry'
business? Is there here a fire?"

Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time."
English answer: "Glad you like it."
Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I
gave you?"

Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English answer: "Congratulations!"
Hebonic response: "She could lose a few pounds."

Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebonic response: "Riding, schmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"

To the guest of honor at a birthday party:
English answer: "Happy birthday."
Hebonic response: "A year smarter you should become."

Remark: "A beautiful day."
English answer: "Sure is."
Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"

Answering a phone call from a son:
English answer: "It's been a while since you called."
Hebonic response: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead already?"
 
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old?

Well...you'll love this one.

My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his dds diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school .

'yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

'when did you graduate?' i asked.

He answered, 'in 1965. Why do you ask?'

'you were in my class!', i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that
ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled,
fat ass,
grey-haired,
decrepit,
son-of-a-bitch
asked:

'what did you teach?'
 
The Jewish Elbow…

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ........

"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
 
Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
 
Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.


Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!
 
Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading this.

You hang in there, sunshine!
 
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

---------St. Peter is at the pearly gates. He asks a man, "And what did you do on Earth?" The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next!"
A woman walks up.
St Peter says, "And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher," she says.
"OK, right through those pearly gates. Next!"
A man walks up.
"And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician."
St Peter says, "Right. Round the side, up the freight elevator, and through the kitchen.

-----------An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion."Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making
love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi to the husband, "let's try it reversed.
Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking,screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him
triumphantly:

"You see, young schmuck, THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
 
A woman goes into Sports Are Us to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this Rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway…… He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes……there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

She paid it and left without saying a word.


I've just been banned from Costco. It was just a simple misunderstanding. When the checkout girl said, "Strip down facing me," how was I to know she meant my bank card?


A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "s**."
 
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Back by popular demand....I can't promise a funny story every day, but I'll do my best.
Here's the first of many (I hope)

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and whichfork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f***ing widow."

Good one. That story keeps popping up. I wonder how old it is.
 
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