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Thread: Today's Chuckle

  1. #631
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    Thinking about getting a kick bike/adult scooter.........








    ....no, really, I am......










    ....is it me, or is this shutdown affecting our brains?
    Trying to do justice to various musical instruments.

  2. #632
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    Default An English bloke

    A bloke drinks too much and his wife says, "come home drunk again and I'll leave you." He goes out, drinks too much and pukes all over his jacket. He says to his mate, "if I come home like this my wife leaves me!" His mate says, "nah listen. Take a twenty pound note and stick it in your pocket. Go home and say to the wife you met a drunk man who puked on you and gave you the twenty for the dry cleaners." The drunk man goes home and his wife says, "swine! You're drunk and you even puked on yourself!" The man flashes the twenty and says, "no my love, I met this drunk bloke who puked on me and gave me twenty quid for the dry cleaners!" The wife looks at him and says, "then how come you have two twenties in your hand?" He says, "oh this is from the other drunk bloke I met. The one who shat my pants."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  3. #633
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    The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebonics, as a second language.
    According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned
    Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

    Professor Shulman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question with a complaint that is either implied or stated.
    Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my bad feet?'
    Shulman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sch" or" schm" at the beginning: "Mountains, schmountains. Stay away; you want a nosebleed?"

    Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."

    Shulman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, schmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."

    Shulman provided the following examples from his best-selling text book,
    Switched-On Hebonics:

    Question: "What time is it?"
    English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
    Hebonic response: "What am I, a clock?"

    Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
    English answer: "Thanks."
    Hebonic response: "I should be so lucky!"

    Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
    English answer: "Be right there."
    Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry'
    business? Is there here a fire?"

    Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time."
    English answer: "Glad you like it."
    Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I
    gave you?"

    Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
    English answer: "Congratulations!"
    Hebonic response: "She could lose a few pounds."

    Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
    English answer: "Just say when."
    Hebonic response: "Riding, schmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"

    To the guest of honor at a birthday party:
    English answer: "Happy birthday."
    Hebonic response: "A year smarter you should become."

    Remark: "A beautiful day."
    English answer: "Sure is."
    Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"

    Answering a phone call from a son:
    English answer: "It's been a while since you called."
    Hebonic response: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead already?"
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  4. #634
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    Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old?

    Well...you'll love this one.

    My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
    I noticed his dds diploma, which bore his full name.

    Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.

    Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

    This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school .

    'yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

    'when did you graduate?' i asked.

    He answered, 'in 1965. Why do you ask?'

    'you were in my class!', i exclaimed.

    He looked at me closely.

    Then, that
    ugly,
    old,
    bald,
    wrinkled,
    fat ass,
    grey-haired,
    decrepit,
    son-of-a-bitch
    asked:

    'what did you teach?'
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  5. #635
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    The Jewish Elbow…

    A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

    "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

    "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ........

    "What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  6. #636
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    Wise Italian Grandfather

    An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

    "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

    "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

    "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  7. #637
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    Irish blonde...

    An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

    She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

    As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

    The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.


    Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

    MORAL OF THE STORY

    Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
    ..... but all men...are men!
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  8. #638
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    Global Facts About Sex

    At any given moment:

    FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
    FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
    FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
    FACT: 1 old person is reading this.

    You hang in there, sunshine!
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  9. #639
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    A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

    A will is a dead giveaway.

    A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

    Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

    He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

    The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

    ---------St. Peter is at the pearly gates. He asks a man, "And what did you do on Earth?" The man says, "I was a doctor."
    St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next!"
    A woman walks up.
    St Peter says, "And what did you do on Earth?"
    "I was a school teacher," she says.
    "OK, right through those pearly gates. Next!"
    A man walks up.
    "And what did you do on Earth?"
    "I was a musician."
    St Peter says, "Right. Round the side, up the freight elevator, and through the kitchen.

    -----------An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

    The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion."Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making
    love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

    They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

    Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi to the husband, "let's try it reversed.
    Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

    Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking,screaming orgasm.

    The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him
    triumphantly:

    "You see, young schmuck, THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  10. #640
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    A woman goes into Sports Are Us to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

    The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this Rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

    She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway…… He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

    She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”

    As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.

    She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes……there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?

    The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

    The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”

    He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

    She paid it and left without saying a word.


    I've just been banned from Costco. It was just a simple misunderstanding. When the checkout girl said, "Strip down facing me," how was I to know she meant my bank card?


    A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

    WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

    HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

    WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

    HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

    WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

    HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

    WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

    HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

    WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

    HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."

    WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

    HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

    WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

    HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

    WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

    HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

    WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"

    HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

    WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

    HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

    WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

    HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

    WIFE: -- silence --

    HUSBAND: "shit."
    Last edited by Nickie; 06-02-2020 at 08:54 AM.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

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