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Thread: Today's Chuckle

  1. #591
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    Paddy and Mick were out in the boat fishin' one day.
    The fish aren't biting.
    Paddy hooks something, heavy, with no fight in it.
    Mick has to help him get it into the boat with the net.
    It falls with a THUD into the bottom of the boat.
    Paddy picks it up and wipes a lot of mud off it.
    "It's an old, old whisky bottle", he exclaims.
    He says, "Let's uncork it and toast to the day!"
    He does, but a purple haze oozes out of it into the air.
    A large Genie appears just above them.
    It laughs loudly and thanks them for letting him out.
    He says, "I'll give each of ya a wish."
    Paddy says, "I hooked it, I wanna wish first."
    So he tells the Genie, "I wish ya'd turn this whole lake into beer."
    The Genie says, "Let it be so", and waves his hand.
    The whole lake was beer, with foam!
    Mick shakes his head in disgust and says, "Paddy, ya daft fool, now we hafta pee in the boat."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  2. #592
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    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

    His bookkeeper is deaf.

    That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

    It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he
    would never have to testify in court.

    When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

    Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking
    about."

    The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

    The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

    Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

    The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

    The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  3. #593
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    Understanding Engineers #1
    Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said,"Where did you get such a great bike?"

    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding myown business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

    The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice:The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
    Understanding Engineers #2

    To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

    Understanding Engineers #3

    A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

    The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

    The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

    The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us?They're rather slow, aren't they?"

    The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"

    The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad.I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

    The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

    The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
    Understanding Engineers #4

    What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
    Understanding Engineers #5

    The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
    The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
    The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
    The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
    Understanding Engineers #7

    Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believethat if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
    Understanding Engineers #8

    An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

    He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

    The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

    Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.Why won't you kiss me?"

    The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
    And Finally
    Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
    A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

    "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

    The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts,and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measurefrom her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced,"Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

    One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us.We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

    Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  4. #594
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    Quoting Plunker from another thread.......

    A guy had a shopping cart filled with TP, Paper towels , an/wipes and hand sanitizer. I gently chided him he had more than he could use and there were many people out there who had none and he could be more considerate.

    He said "If you are done, Ill go back top stocking the shelves."
    I thought that to be worthy of being in here.
    Trying to do justice to various musical instruments.

  5. #595
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    Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, the Pope, Dr Anthony Fauci , Hillary Clinton, and a ten year old school girl. The plane is about to crash and there is only 4 parachutes.

    Dr Fauci, said “I need one. I have to help develop a cure for the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He takes one and jumps.

    The Pope said “I need one, I have to help spiritually guide people through the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He takes one and jumps.

    Trump said ‘‘I need one, I’m the smartest man in the USA.” He takes one and jumps.

    Hillary said to the ten year old ... "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only starting". The 10 year old said "don't worry, there are 2 parachutes left. The smartest man in the USA took my backpack."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  6. #596
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    I have another engineer joke...
    Two salesmen and two engineers are all on a business trip together. They have to take the train. The two salesmen each buy their tickets, but the engineers only buy one ticket.
    "How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" the salesmen ask.
    "Watch and learn," the engineers reply.
    They all board the train. When the conductor comes around asking for tickets, the engineers both cram in to the same bathroom.
    The conductor knocks on the door, "Ticket, please."
    One of the engineers cracks the door a tiny bit and sticks out the ticket.
    After they arrive, the salesmen say "That's brilliant! We'll have to try that on the way back!"

    After the trip is over, they are again at the train station. The salesmen buy one ticket.
    The engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
    "Wait," the salesmen say, "how can you possibly travel with NO tickets?!?!?!"
    "you'll see..."
    They all board the train.
    When the conductor comes around, the salesmen duck into the bathroom.
    The engineers go to that stall, knock on the door, and say, "Ticket please."
    1:5255
    My Quiver: S & J Craft Milo Tenor "Liliu" six string custom and Milo and Lychee concert by Emil Bader
    Pono PKT-1 Koa Tenor w/MiSi, Lanikai LU-21T - Autographed!, Hikare CU 528 Baritone
    R&L all koa mini concert, Mainland Gecko, Epiphone Les Paul Vintage, Kala Concert
    Compass Rose 5 string
    Nothin' left to do but : ) : ) : )

  7. #597
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    The smartest man in the USA took my backpack.
    Got a feeling I've heard that one before.....

    Trying to do justice to various musical instruments.

  8. #598
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    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  9. #599
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    Lol funny

    You don't stop playing when you get old. You get old when you stop playing

    Tanglewood TU13M concert called Kalea
    Brunswick BU4-B baritone called Kalua
    Fender DG5 Dreadnought guitar named Tilly
    Tanglewood Discovery guitar
    Valencia hybrid classical guitar

    My Music Blog

  10. #600
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    My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

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