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Thread: Today's Chuckle

  1. #681
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    Tampa Bay, FL
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    There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day, when he happened upon a fresh pile of manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since he'd dined, he flew down and began to eat. He really pigged out.
    Finally, he was full and tried to fly away, but couldn't get off the ground. He looked around, considering his options. He spotted a pitchfork leaning against the wall nearby.
    So, he waddled over and climbed up that pitchfork to the top of the handle, thinking that if he jumped off, once he became airborne, he would fly.
    But he was wrong. He fell to the floor with a SPLAT.

    The moral of the story?

    Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  2. #682
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
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    I was at the hospital and before I left the doctor asked me to sign some papers. When I sat down the doctor gave me the forms and a thermometer. I said “ Doctor you gave me a thermometer.” He looked at me and said “ Oh Cripes! Some asshole has my pen! “

  3. #683
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
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    Maybe a sign of things to come.....

    86D0210E-938F-4FA9-BD7E-A1016FF11403.jpg

  4. #684
    Join Date
    May 2020
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    I remember this joke from years past (possibly from Readers Digest)

    A shipwrecked man was stranded on a deserted island when a cruise ship passes by.
    On the ship, passengers notices the man excitedly waving and askes the captain.
    The captain replies that they always receive an enthusiastic greeting from that man.

  5. #685
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    HUSBANDS ARE HUSBANDS
    A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
    'What was that for?' the man asked.
    The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.
    The man then said, 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'
    The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later, the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
    Upon regaining consciousness, the man asked “why’d you hit me again?
    Wife replied. 'Your horse just phoned.'
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  6. #686
    Join Date
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    PEST CONTROL
    A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
    'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
    The husband, however, became suspicious and, after a search of the bedroom, discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
    'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
    'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
    'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
    'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
    The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  7. #687
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    LEMON SQUEEZE
    There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
    The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
    The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
    The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
    The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
    The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile from your face.'

    CATHOLIC DOG
    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
    Father Patrick replied, 'I will not; we can’t have services for an animal in the church. But there’s a protestant church down the lane, and maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
    Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away, Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
    Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

    DONATION
    Father O'Malley answers the phone.
    'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
    'It is!'
    'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
    'I can!'
    'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
    'I do!'
    'Is he a member of your congregation?'
    'He is!'
    'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
    'He will.'

    CONFESSION
    An older man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
    Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.'
    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
    Man: 'What sins?'
    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
    Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
    Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
    Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

    SENILITY
    An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  8. #688
    Join Date
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    Memories...

    1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
    "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

    2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
    "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

    3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
    "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

    4. My father taught me LOGIC .
    " Because I said so, that's why ."

    5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
    "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

    6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
    "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

    7. My father taught me IRONY .
    "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

    8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
    "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

    9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
    "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

    10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
    "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

    11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
    "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

    12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
    "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

    13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
    "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

    14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
    "Stop acting like your father!"

    15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
    "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

    16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
    "Just wait until we get home".
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  9. #689
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    A husband and wife who are avid golfers have been happily married for 30 years, and on the day of their 30th anniversary they enjoy a wonderful day together. They have a delicious breakfast in bed, then proceed to one of their favourite golf courses. They play through to the 9th hole, both having an amazing game. The husband watches his beautiful wife tee off and feels a rush of emotion and guilt. "Honey, I have to tell you something. At the very beginning of our marriage, I slept with another woman. It only happened once and I've been faithful ever since. It was a mistake and I hope you can forgive me." The wife looks fondly at him. "I forgive you. We've had a very happy life together. I love you.”

    The husband is so relieved, feeling light as a feather. They play a few more holes in bliss when suddenly the wife turns to her husband. "Honey, I too have something to confess." The husband smiles and says, "Anything dear - you were so gracious to me, and we can make it through anything." "Before we met, I had a sex change. I used to be a man." The husband throws his club down and starts swearing and kicking up turf. The wife is in shock. "But I forgave you for your secret!" The husband, red faced, turns to her. "All these years! All these years you've been teeing off from the ladies tee box you damned cheater!"
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  10. #690
    Join Date
    Apr 2019
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    San Francsico Bay Area
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    A good friend will bail you out of jail
    A BEST friend will be sitting beside you saying, “damn, that was fun!”
    Last edited by Another Ukulele; 09-07-2020 at 03:35 AM.

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