Today's Chuckle

I was at the hospital and before I left the doctor asked me to sign some papers. When I sat down the doctor gave me the forms and a thermometer. I said “ Doctor you gave me a thermometer.” He looked at me and said “ Oh Cripes! Some asshole has my pen! “
 
I remember this joke from years past (possibly from Readers Digest)

A shipwrecked man was stranded on a deserted island when a cruise ship passes by.
On the ship, passengers notices the man excitedly waving and askes the captain.
The captain replies that they always receive an enthusiastic greeting from that man.
 
HUSBANDS ARE HUSBANDS
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.
The man then said, 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later, the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon regaining consciousness, the man asked “why’d you hit me again?
Wife replied. 'Your horse just phoned.'
 
PEST CONTROL
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and, after a search of the bedroom, discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
 
LEMON SQUEEZE
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile from your face.'

CATHOLIC DOG
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I will not; we can’t have services for an animal in the church. But there’s a protestant church down the lane, and maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away, Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

DONATION
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

CONFESSION
An older man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

SENILITY
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
 
Memories...

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC .
" Because I said so, that's why ."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home".
 
A husband and wife who are avid golfers have been happily married for 30 years, and on the day of their 30th anniversary they enjoy a wonderful day together. They have a delicious breakfast in bed, then proceed to one of their favourite golf courses. They play through to the 9th hole, both having an amazing game. The husband watches his beautiful wife tee off and feels a rush of emotion and guilt. "Honey, I have to tell you something. At the very beginning of our marriage, I slept with another woman. It only happened once and I've been faithful ever since. It was a mistake and I hope you can forgive me." The wife looks fondly at him. "I forgive you. We've had a very happy life together. I love you.”

The husband is so relieved, feeling light as a feather. They play a few more holes in bliss when suddenly the wife turns to her husband. "Honey, I too have something to confess." The husband smiles and says, "Anything dear - you were so gracious to me, and we can make it through anything." "Before we met, I had a sex change. I used to be a man." The husband throws his club down and starts swearing and kicking up turf. The wife is in shock. "But I forgave you for your secret!" The husband, red faced, turns to her. "All these years! All these years you've been teeing off from the ladies tee box you damned cheater!"
 
A woman meets a man in a bar.They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed, in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had takenquite some time to lovingly arrange them, and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all alongthe bottom shelf; medium -sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for anobviously masculine guy to have such a large collection ofTeddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by hissensitive side, but she doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine andcontinue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,"Oh my God! Maybe, this guy, could be the one!"
"Maybe he could be the futurefather of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses himlightly on the lips.He responds warmly.They continue to kiss, the passion builds.
And he romantically lifts her intohis arms and carries her into his bedroom. There they rip off each other's clothes and make passionate love.
She is so overwhelmed that sheresponds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than shehas ever known.
After an intense, explosive nightof raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together inthe afterglow.The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
(you’re gonna love this)
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
(And THEN, I expect, she shot him)
 
The New Brunswick Department of Transportation found over 450 dead crows on Highway #2 East near Salisbury Big Stop this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing the paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars.

NB DOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows would shout "Cah","Cah" not a single one would shout "Truck"!!!
 
Hey rps,
I used to live in Salisbury, New Brunswick (years ago, long before all the crows died). :)
How did such a small, relatively unknown, community end up in your funny story?

Jan (a former Haligonian - and if you know what that means, then you must be Canadian too)
 
Hello Jan, yes I live in Windsor...the one in Ontario not the one in Quebec, Nova Scotia or NFLD.

Hey rps,
I used to live in Salisbury, New Brunswick (years ago, long before all the crows died). :)
How did such a small, relatively unknown, community end up in your funny story?

Jan (a former Haligonian - and if you know what that means, then you must be Canadian too)
 
My neighbor's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish, but he doesn't even know how to say please in the language. This is poor for four.
 
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