Today's Chuckle

I've often though about posting jokes or cartoons here, as I do on another forum, but I wonder what Admin thinks about that - in "Uke Talk." Now, more than ever, we need humor in our lives.
 
I've often though about posting jokes or cartoons here, as I do on another forum, but I wonder what Admin thinks about that - in "Uke Talk." Now, more than ever, we need humor in our lives.

Jerry, I would much rather see jokes posted here, with me. Uke Talk isn't a joke. Please, let's not make it one. OK?
 
Redneck loses his wife

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
OFFICER: Age?
Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.
OFFICER: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
OFFICER : Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
OFFICER : Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think Never really noticed.
OFFICER : Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
OFFICER : What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?
Husband : A 2017, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 manufactured September 16th, with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.



(At this point the husband started choking up.)


OFFICER : Take it easy sir. We'll find your truck.
 
I've often though about posting jokes or cartoons here, as I do on another forum, but I wonder what Admin thinks about that - in "Uke Talk." Now, more than ever, we need humor in our lives.

Ah, I see. You put this in General Discussion. I got to it through the "What's New" tab.
 
Sigmund Freud walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Sigmund, why the long penis? ...I mean FACE!"



What do you call a 12 step program for People that talk too much?

OnAndOnAnon




Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.' Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $660 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
 
Charlie, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just could not seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

“Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”

“Yes I know boss, and I am working on it.”

“Well good. You are a team player. That’s what I like to hear. It’s odd though, that you’re coming in late.
I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?”

“They said, ‘Good morning, General, can I get you coffee, sir?’”
 
A Panda Bear walks into a bar
The barman says, “what can I get you?”
The Panda says, “Hmmmmmmmmmmm“
“ Ummmmmmmmmm
“Sigh”
“I’ll have a martini”
The barman says, “Why the big paws?”
 
When I were a lad I used to keep racing pigeons
but I couldn't keep up, the pigeons always won.


I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it is raining in Sweden.
How the hell am I supposed to know if it is raining in Sweden ?

A man comes into the doctor's office with a frog attached to his forehead. The doctor asks; oh my, however did this happen? - It started as a wart on the arse, says the frog.
 
A doctor walks into the examining room, and sees the patient sitting there, with a cucumber in one ear, an ear of corn in the other, a carrot up each nostril, and some mayonnaise on his forehead.

The patient says, "I just don't feel right, Doc. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor looks at him for a moment, and says, "I don't think you're eating right..."
 
A doctor walks into the examining room, and sees the patient sitting there, with a cucumber in one ear, an ear of corn in the other, a carrot up each nostril, and some mayonnaise on his forehead.

The patient says, "I just don't feel right, Doc. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor looks at him for a moment, and says, "I don't think you're eating right..."

Good one. It's like the guy with the "drinking problem" in the movie "Airplane."

Here's where that ten-character minimum interferes with posting. I like to be able to leave a smiles face rather having to type ten characters. The alternative is to make no response at all.
 
Question... Viagra ..can you get it over the counter ?
Answer....Maybe if you took two

How can you tell when the moon is waxing?
The dark side is on the left.
Oh, and the screams when the hair comes off.


An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.
'The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, no, ' he says, 'Everyone is fine--- I've just quit drinking!
 
3 guys go to interview for the same job. The interviewer says, "Fellows, I'm gonna ask you each one question, and the one with the best answer gets hired."
So, asks the 1st fellow, "What's the fastest thing in the world?"
He replies, "A thought."
"Why?" the interviewer asks.
"Because, he replies, first it's not there, and then SNAP! there it is"
"Good answer!"
He asks the 2nd fellow the same question.
He replies, "Light".
"Why?" the interviewer asks.
Because, you flip on a switch, and BANG, there it is, and you flip the switch again and it's gone, just like that.
"Good answer!"
He asks the 3rd fellow the same question.
"Diarrhea," he says.
"Diarrhea? What's wrong with you, the 1st guy said a thought, and the 2nd guy said light, and you say diarrhea. What kind of answer is that?"
"Because, before you can think to turn on the light, it's already there!"
 
An elderly farmer was in the emergency ward having stitches put in his hand, due to an accident with a piece of machinery.

The doctor carrying out the procedure struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders. The old farmer said, "Well, you know, most politicians are 'post tortoises'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."

The old farmer, seeing the puzzled look on the doctor's face, continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumbass put him up there to begin with."
 
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age),
but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted!
 
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack.
”Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting."

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through.”
 
General Motors, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams,
"Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that bloody slacker did here?"

From across the room came a voice:

"That was the pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
 
One day, while going to the shop, I passed
by a retirement village. On the front lawn
were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued
on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same
retirement village with the same six old ladies
lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the better of me and
I went inside to talk to the retirement village
Administrator, and asked her,
"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on
your front lawn?"

"Yes," she said, "aren't they darlings? They're
retired prostitutes - they're having a yard sale."
 
Subject: Re-0pen the country ?

The American Medical Association debated whether the country should be re-opened. Here are the results by medical specialty:


The Allergists were in favor of scratching it,

but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,

but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception,

while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"

Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!”

Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,

while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing

and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would

"put a whole new face on the matter.”

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,

but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,

and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
 
Today's groaners

Two blondes walk into a building. You’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here”?

I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

A horse walks into a bar...The bartender says, "Hey." The horse replies, "Sure."

Apparently, you can't use "beef stew" as a password. It's not stroganoff.

I googled "Rorschach test.” But all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.

If you have 10 apples in one hand and 14 oranges in the other, what do you have? Really, really big hands.

A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks, "How much do you charge?" The lawyer says, "£5,000 for three questions.” "Wow, that's pretty expensive, isn't it?" the man asks. "Yes," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?

"What do we want? Low-flying aeroplane noises! When do we want them? NNNNNEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!

How does NASA organize a party? They planet.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.

Murphy's Law says that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Cole's Law is thinly sliced cabbage.

I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.
 
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