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Thread: Today's Chuckle

  1. #471
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    The selfless Irish!

    The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellow man (fellow air passengers, in this case)!

    Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

    "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."



    When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.”



    Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:



    "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  2. #472
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    ...an Irish guy walks out of a bar.....seriously, it could happen!

  3. #473
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    1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

    "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
    "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
    You did WHAT?!? the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
    "You know, “explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

    2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
    Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
    "What?"
    "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
    "No, You had your chance. Lights out."
    Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
    "WHAT?"
    "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
    I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
    Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
    "WHAT!"
    "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"


    3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
    The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"


    4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
    The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
    "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
    A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."


    5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward
    One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
    The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

    6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
    I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
    "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

    7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
    "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
    Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..."
    His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
    The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
    "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
    "Yes," he answered.
    Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
    The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
    The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
    After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


    8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
    The teacher paused then asked the class,
    "And what do you think that farmer said?"
    One little girl raised her hand and said,
    "I think he said: 'Shit! A talking chicken!'"
    The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


    9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
    "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
    Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
    The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
    "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
    She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."


    10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
    Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
    The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

    11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
    She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
    eating a snack cake.
    The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
    She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

    12 The minister started his Children’s Sermon with a question, “Who knows what a Resurrection is?”
    Without missing a beat a young boy says, “If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician.
    The pastor is still laughing.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  4. #474
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    1. My first job was working in an Orange juice factory,

    but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.


    2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
    but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.


    3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,
    but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.


    4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
    but that was too exhausting.


    5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,
    but just didn't have the thyme.


    6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,
    but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.


    7. My best job was a Musician,

    but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy


    8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
    but didn't have any patience.


    9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
    Tried hard but just didn't fit in.


    10. I became a Professional Fisherman,
    but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.


    11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
    but the work was just too draining.


    12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center,
    but they said I wasn't fit for the job.


    13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian -

    until I realized there was no future in it.

    14. My last job was working in Starbucks,
    but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

    15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT
    AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  5. #475
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nickie View Post
    SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT
    AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
    Me too!
    Trying to do justice to various musical instruments.

  6. #476
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    Things to Say When Stressed At Work

    1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Un-get lost you".
    2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing".
    3. "Well, this day was a total waste of make-up"
    4. "Well, aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"
    5. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
    6. "Do I look like a people person to you"?
    7. "This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting "
    8. "I started out with nothing and still have most of it left "
    9. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose "
    10. "Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless
    acts of self-control".
    11. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
    12. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
    13. "Do they ever shut the f--- up on your planet?"
    14. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
    15. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone
    to sleep yet"
    16. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
    17. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
    18. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
    19. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
    20. "Wait... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
    21. "Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done."
    22. "Ambivalent? Well, yes and no."
    23. "You look like crap. Is that the style now?"
    24. "Earth is full. Go home."
    25. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
    26. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
    27. "A woodie doesn't count as personal growth."
    28. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."
    29. "If a--holes could fly, this place would be an airport!"
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  7. #477
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ukecaster View Post
    ...an Irish guy walks out of a bar.....seriously, it could happen!
    Hahaha, Nice!
    Kamaka HF-3
    Martin 2K Tenor
    Mainland Soprano

  8. #478
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    The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who Owns the Big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do". The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought You'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to Run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

    Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to The saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy Struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him This time?" The cowboy looks him straight in the eye and says,

    (I JUST LOVE THIS PART!)

    "Nothin', but you left your injun runnin."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  9. #479
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    Default The Preacher and the Farmer

    A farmer went into town one Sunday to attend church. He stopped his pickup at the 1st one he saw, in an upscale part of town, and went in and sat down.
    The farmer's clothes were clean, but very old and somewhat worn.
    He listened to the preacher rant and rave for about an hour, then the service ended after the offering was taken.
    Exiting, he passed by the preacher. The preacher shook his hand, and asked him to step aside for a short private conversation.
    He told the farmer he was thankful that he had come to church, but that he wanted him to have a serious talk with God about what he should wear to this church.
    Then he left.
    The next Sunday, the farmer returned to the same fancy church, in the same clothes, they were the best he had.
    After the service, the preacher again met the farmer on his way out, and took him aside and said "Look, sir, I asked you to have a talk with God about what to wear to this church."
    The farmer looked him in the eye, and said "I did, and God told me he didn't know because he's never been here."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  10. #480
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    My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.



    I noticed his DDS Diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.



    Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my school class some 40 years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?



    Upon seeing him, I quickly discarded any such thought.



    This balding, gray-haired man, with the deeply lined face, was way too old to have been my classmate.



    After he examined my teeth I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.



    “Yes”, he said. “I am a Mustang” he gleamed with pride.



    “When did you graduate?” I asked.



    He answered “in 1967. Why do you ask?”



    “You were in my class”, I exclaimed.



    He looked at me closely, then this ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit, son-of-a-bitch asked me;



    “What did you teach?"
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

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