Today's Chuckle

[rps]

I made a New Year’s resolution to go on a diet.....I’m on the Tequila Diet and so far I’ve lost two days.....

[Jerryc41]

I made a New Year’s resolution to go on a diet.....I’m on the Tequila Diet and so far I’ve lost two days.....

That sounds like a "can't lose" situation.

[rps]

Maybe it’s the wine but.....if I made Pork Tartare for dinner would it be Ground Hog day?

[Jim Yates]

Roy Rogers is down by the creek fishing when the cavalry rides up. The sergeant of the cavalry says, "Roy, Roy...outlaws have burned down your ranch!"

Roy throws down his fishing pole angrily and starts running toward the ranch. "Wait, Roy," says the sergeant. "Come back, there's more!" Roy comes back and the sergeant says, "They kidnapped Dale!"

Infuriated, Roy turns and starts running toward the ranch. "Wait, Roy, come back, there's more," the sergeant says. Roy comes back ...and the sergeant says, "They stole Trigger too!" Now Roy is really about to explode, and he heads toward the ranch. The sergeant says, "Roy, wait!"

Roy Rogers comes back and with hatred in his eyes yells, "NOW WHAT!!!" The sergeant says, "How 'bout a song before you go?"

[Jim Yates]

A guy walked into a bar waving an unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 calibre Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine and one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"
A voice from the back of the room called out, "You're gonna need more amo."

[Nickie]

My wife opened the car door for me. It would have been a nice gesture if we hadn't been going 70 mph.

[Jerryc41]

My wife opened the car door for me. It would have been a nice gesture if we hadn't been going 70 mph.

Complain! Complain! Complain! How does she put up with you?

[plunker]

All this time I thought my close shrunk because of the dryer,
Now I find out its the refrigerator.

[rps]

A guy in a restaurant stops a pretty waitress as she passes by his table.

"Excuse me, Miss. Can I ask you a question about the menu, please?"

She threw a drink in his face.

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

[TopDog]

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it....then my illegal logging business is doing well!