Today's Chuckle

Psychiatrist vs Bartender

As a child, I always had a fear of someone under the bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink…. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.” “How much do you charge?” “One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”

It’s always better to get a second opinion.
 
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

For example...
A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling," he says, "Your parents have come to visit, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello'?"
 
Two Cornish men, Jethro and Denzal, are having a drink and watching the football around at Jethro's house.

At full time Denzal gets up to go home but finds that it is pouring down with torrential rain.

"Stay the night here Denzal." says Jethro. No point in getting soaked. "I'll go and make up a bed for you."

When Jethro comes back down the stairs he finds Denzal drenched to the bone.

"What the hell happened to you?" Jethro asks.
Denzal replies - "I went home for my pajamas."
 
A baboon is walking down the street with a primatologist. Another primatologist is walking toward them, and says,
"Why are you walking with that ape."
The 1st primatologist says,
"Why, he isn't an ape, he's actually an old world monkey."
The 2nd primatologist says,
"I know that, I wasn't talking to you."
 
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.


But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a s---load of firewood'
 
Stupid is as stupid does:


From a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the Poison Control Center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Number One Idiot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

Number Two Idiot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into theBranch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag.";

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the WellsFargo teller.
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slipor go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Number Three Idiot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.

He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy .. But you still get a sign.

Number Four Idiot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and
said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21.";

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21and she put the Scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign .

Number Five Idiot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

Idiot Number Six
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty bad.

He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.

So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious.

It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, here's your sign.

Idiot Number Seven
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I live in a semi-rural area.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."


Take the sign - Please!

Idiot Number Eight
~~~~~~~~~~

Stay Alert! They walk among us ...they Reproduce ... they vote ...
and a lot of them hold public office!

(OOOOH, I got political, let's see if the thread gets locked! Hahahaha)
 
This is totally inappropriate for International Woman's Day, but here goes....

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,

chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly

Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she

ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over ..women like that are hard to find."
 
1. Somebody stole my mood ring and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.

2. I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kind of liked it.

3. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

4. How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler…

5. Nurse: “Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room.”
Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him.”

6. The stationary store moved.

7. Have you heard about the corduroy pillow? I hear it’s making headlines.

8. Comic Sans walks into a bar.
Bartender says, “We don’t serve your type here."

9. Did you hear about the psychic midget that robbed a bank?
Now there’s a small medium at large.

10. Why are New Yorkers so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is just New Jersey.

11. It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.

12. What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.

13. There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says “do you know how to drive this thing?”

14. Someone threw cheese at me. Real mature!

15. “What do you call a mix between an elephant and a rhino?”
“Ell if I know.”

16. The French have just one egg for breakfast, because that’s un oeuf.

17. Two atoms are walking down the street, one says to the other:
“I think I just lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”

18. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
LET’S GO RIDE BIKES!!!

19. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

20. “Knock knock”
“Come in”

21. There were two peanuts walking down an alley, one was assaulted!

22. Why did the orange stop? Because it ran out of juice...

23. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer!

24. The past, present, and future walk into a bar...it was tense!

25. I never make mistakes...I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

26. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!

27. What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it.

28. What do you do with a dead chemist? You Barium..
 
The selfless Irish!

The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellow man (fellow air passengers, in this case)!

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."



When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.”



Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:



"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
 
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT?!? the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know, “explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"


3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"


4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."


5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 's**! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."


10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

12 The minister started his Children’s Sermon with a question, “Who knows what a Resurrection is?”
Without missing a beat a young boy says, “If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician.
The pastor is still laughing.
 
1. My first job was working in an Orange juice factory,

but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.


2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.


3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,
but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.


4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.


5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but just didn't have the thyme.


6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.


7. My best job was a Musician,

but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy


8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
but didn't have any patience.


9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
Tried hard but just didn't fit in.


10. I became a Professional Fisherman,
but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.


11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.


12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.


13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian -

until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks,
but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT
AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
 
Things to Say When Stressed At Work

1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Un-get lost you".
2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing".
3. "Well, this day was a total waste of make-up"
4. "Well, aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"
5. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
6. "Do I look like a people person to you"?
7. "This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting "
8. "I started out with nothing and still have most of it left "
9. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose "
10. "Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless
acts of self-control".
11. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
12. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
13. "Do they ever shut the f--- up on your planet?"
14. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
15. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone
to sleep yet"
16. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
17. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
18. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
19. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
20. "Wait... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
21. "Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done."
22. "Ambivalent? Well, yes and no."
23. "You look like crap. Is that the style now?"
24. "Earth is full. Go home."
25. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
26. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
27. "A woodie doesn't count as personal growth."
28. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."
29. "If a--holes could fly, this place would be an airport!"
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who Owns the Big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do". The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought You'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to Run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to The saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy Struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him This time?" The cowboy looks him straight in the eye and says,

(I JUST LOVE THIS PART!)

"Nothin', but you left your injun runnin."
 
The Preacher and the Farmer

A farmer went into town one Sunday to attend church. He stopped his pickup at the 1st one he saw, in an upscale part of town, and went in and sat down.
The farmer's clothes were clean, but very old and somewhat worn.
He listened to the preacher rant and rave for about an hour, then the service ended after the offering was taken.
Exiting, he passed by the preacher. The preacher shook his hand, and asked him to step aside for a short private conversation.
He told the farmer he was thankful that he had come to church, but that he wanted him to have a serious talk with God about what he should wear to this church.
Then he left.
The next Sunday, the farmer returned to the same fancy church, in the same clothes, they were the best he had.
After the service, the preacher again met the farmer on his way out, and took him aside and said "Look, sir, I asked you to have a talk with God about what to wear to this church."
The farmer looked him in the eye, and said "I did, and God told me he didn't know because he's never been here."
 
My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.



I noticed his DDS Diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.



Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my school class some 40 years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?



Upon seeing him, I quickly discarded any such thought.



This balding, gray-haired man, with the deeply lined face, was way too old to have been my classmate.



After he examined my teeth I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.



“Yes”, he said. “I am a Mustang” he gleamed with pride.



“When did you graduate?” I asked.



He answered “in 1967. Why do you ask?”



“You were in my class”, I exclaimed.



He looked at me closely, then this ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit, son-of-a-bitch asked me;



“What did you teach?"
 
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