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Thread: Today's Chuckle

  1. #461
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    Quote Originally Posted by Down Up Dick View Post
    OH NO! We’d better tell the King. Let’s go get Henny Penny!
    Has to google that one. Chicken Little!
    You don't stop playing when you get old. You get old when you stop playing

    Tanglewood TU13M concert called Kalea
    Brunswick BU4-B baritone called Kalua

    My Music Blog

  2. #462
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    Psychiatrist vs Bartender

    As a child, I always had a fear of someone under the bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

    “Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink…. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.” “How much do you charge?” “One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

    “I'll sleep on it,” I said.

    Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

    “Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”

    “Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

    “He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”

    It’s always better to get a second opinion.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  3. #463
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    There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

    For example...
    A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
    She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

    Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
    "Hi Darling," he says, "Your parents have come to visit, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello'?"
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  4. #464
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    Two Cornish men, Jethro and Denzal, are having a drink and watching the football around at Jethro's house.

    At full time Denzal gets up to go home but finds that it is pouring down with torrential rain.

    "Stay the night here Denzal." says Jethro. No point in getting soaked. "I'll go and make up a bed for you."

    When Jethro comes back down the stairs he finds Denzal drenched to the bone.

    "What the hell happened to you?" Jethro asks.
    Denzal replies - "I went home for my pajamas."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  5. #465
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    A baboon is walking down the street with a primatologist. Another primatologist is walking toward them, and says,
    "Why are you walking with that ape."
    The 1st primatologist says,
    "Why, he isn't an ape, he's actually an old world monkey."
    The 2nd primatologist says,
    "I know that, I wasn't talking to you."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  6. #466
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    Brilliant, on Darwin Day too!^
    You don't stop playing when you get old. You get old when you stop playing

    Tanglewood TU13M concert called Kalea
    Brunswick BU4-B baritone called Kalua

    My Music Blog

  7. #467
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    It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

    Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

    Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.


    But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

    'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

    So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

    A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

    'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

    The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

    Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

    'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

    'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

    The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a s---load of firewood'
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  8. #468
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    Stupid is as stupid does:


    From a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the Poison Control Center.
    Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
    I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
    She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
    I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
    Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

    Number One Idiot
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
    Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them.
    It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
    They are no longer employed at Boeing.
    Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

    Number Two Idiot
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into theBranch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag.";

    While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.

    So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.

    After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the WellsFargo teller.
    She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slipor go back to Bank of America.

    Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.

    He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

    Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

    Number Three Idiot
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.

    He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.

    Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

    Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.

    He immediately mailed in his $40.

    Wise guy .. But you still get a sign.

    Number Four Idiot
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.

    After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and
    said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21.";

    The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.

    At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

    The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21and she put the Scotch in the bag.

    The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

    The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.

    They arrested the robber two hours later.

    This guy definitely needs a sign .

    Number Five Idiot
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

    The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"

    When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

    This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

    Idiot Number Six
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty bad.

    He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.

    So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious.

    It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

    The whole event was caught on videotape.

    Yep, here's your sign.

    Idiot Number Seven
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I live in a semi-rural area.

    We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

    The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."


    Take the sign - Please!

    Idiot Number Eight
    ~~~~~~~~~~

    Stay Alert! They walk among us ...they Reproduce ... they vote ...
    and a lot of them hold public office!

    (OOOOH, I got political, let's see if the thread gets locked! Hahahaha)
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  9. #469
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    This is totally inappropriate for International Woman's Day, but here goes....

    Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,

    chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly

    Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she

    ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

    Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over ..women like that are hard to find."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  10. #470
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    1. Somebody stole my mood ring and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.

    2. I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kind of liked it.

    3. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

    4. How do you kill a circus?
    Go for the juggler…

    5. Nurse: “Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room.”
    Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him.”

    6. The stationary store moved.

    7. Have you heard about the corduroy pillow? I hear it’s making headlines.

    8. Comic Sans walks into a bar.
    Bartender says, “We don’t serve your type here."

    9. Did you hear about the psychic midget that robbed a bank?
    Now there’s a small medium at large.

    10. Why are New Yorkers so depressed?
    Because the light at the end of the tunnel is just New Jersey.

    11. It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.

    12. What did the ocean say to the beach?
    Nothing, it just waved.

    13. There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says “do you know how to drive this thing?”

    14. Someone threw cheese at me. Real mature!

    15. “What do you call a mix between an elephant and a rhino?”
    “Ell if I know.”

    16. The French have just one egg for breakfast, because that’s un oeuf.

    17. Two atoms are walking down the street, one says to the other:
    “I think I just lost an electron.”
    “Are you sure?”
    “I’m positive.”

    18. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
    LET’S GO RIDE BIKES!!!

    19. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

    20. “Knock knock”
    “Come in”

    21. There were two peanuts walking down an alley, one was assaulted!

    22. Why did the orange stop? Because it ran out of juice...

    23. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer!

    24. The past, present, and future walk into a bar...it was tense!

    25. I never make mistakes...I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

    26. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!

    27. What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it.

    28. What do you do with a dead chemist? You Barium..
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

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