Today's Chuckle

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of
breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen
minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'


She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's
change positions. This time, I 'll hold the
pigeon down and you sh-- on its head.'

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. ---- Life is great.

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.

A circus owner runs an ad for lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a good looking, old retired golfer in his late sixties and
the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two
had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment --
chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge at her. About half way there,
she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking
her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes
and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life.." He then
turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The retired golfer replies, "I can if you'll get that lion out of there!"

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. Deleted

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. Deleted

14. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?

16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

17. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning

18. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:

19. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

20. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

21. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

I finally did it. Bought new shoes with memory foam insoles. No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen!

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.



Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license plate number."

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so
curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.
I never did understand it neither."


Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch The Sheriff asked,
"Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
***


Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody
retirin' an' movin' North.

Turkey jokes...stuff it!

1. Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale........ Cheap...............no strings attached.

2. Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

3. On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.

4. When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...
I Gave Up Reading

5. My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

6. You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..
Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off

7. Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'

8. Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way....

9. Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.

10. The Reason Men Lie Is Because
Women Ask too Many Questions..

11. Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Snore And You sleep Alone

12. The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The
Universe Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

13. Sign At A Barber's Saloon in Detroit :
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business..

14. Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Laughter makes you happy, it works faster than alcohol..

A blonde in her fourth freshman year at U. Of Tennessee, while sitting in her U.S. Government class, was asked by her professor

if she knew what the Roe v. Wade decision was about.

She sat for quite a while pondering this very profound question, finally sighed and answered:



"I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware!"

A few chuckles to get you in the holiday spirit...a Peter Griffin Christmas

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Arov0NjZetE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aa22MBGkl9o

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "OK, OK. We were watching p***."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*** was."
The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

Went to church for my yearly appearance, and heard a good story.
Three men show up at the pearly gates and St Peter says, "Seeing that it's that time of the year, if you can show me something Christmassy you can enter."
The first reaches into his pocket, pulls out a lighter. "This is like the candle we light at Christmas"
St. Peter says "Great! Enter!"
The second pulls out a set of keys, jangles them and says, "These are like the bells we ring at Christmas"
St. Peter says "That's wonderful! Enter!"
The third reaches into his pocket and takes out a pair of womens glasses.
St. Peter says "Huh? What has that to do with Christmas?"
"The man replies...."They're Carol's"

The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man.

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston , the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.

"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."

Blond jokes....about men.

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts:
"Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair,
and I just wet mine."
------------------------------




A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------




A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------




A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------




A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk.
Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the
road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------




A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------




A blonde man is in jail.
The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------



(To be fair, this one actually makes a little sense...)


An Italian tourist asks a blonde man:
"Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies:
"If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat!"
--------------------------------------




A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------


Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a
police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------




A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said:
"Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied:
"Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday



AND MY FAVORITE:



Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building. The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time I’m going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"

So the next day they all got the same thing so they each jumped off the building to their deaths.

That weekend at the funeral, the Italian and the Chinese wives are crying their eyes out. The Italian wife lamented that she’d have packed a calzone in his lunch box instead of pizza if he’d only let her know he’d grown tired of the same old thing. And the distraught wife from Peking agreed and berated herself for not changing things up once in a while with wonton soup or egg foo yung for her husband instead of white rice and fortune cookies. Then the two wives stare at the blonde’s wife and ask why she isn't sad about her husband’s death and the blonde replies:

"Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch…."

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield. He said. . .


With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.“ I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?“ She said, “No, I hate myself now“

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, “Why? “ He said, “Because you came home early.“

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the- Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I’m so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."

I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness. . . AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we’ll ever find them?" He said, "I don’t know kid. There’s
so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I’m so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me? " He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy - for birth control.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. But surprisingly it lands butter-side-up.
He looks at what’s happened in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest....
“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we havehere. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”
“No, Father - No, Father, Oi dropped it and it landed just loike dat. Oi swear so.”
“Well,” says the prıest, “it’s certainly a natural law of the Universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say that it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and see what he has to say.
A rigorous investigation is instigated to evaluate if a ‘Miracle’ did in fact occur, not only by the local archdiocese, but by a bishop from Cork who was fresh back from the Curia in Rome.
After much thought the final ruling read: -
On conclusion it stated certainly an extraordinary event occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening to be miraculous & rule out all possible natural explanations.
“In this particular case we have declared that there was no miracle.
The Irish Bishop then explains
“It’s obvious, Murphy must have buttered the toast on the wrong side.”

Very funny, Nickie! A triple Ha! ld:

Rodney also quipped...I tell ya, I'm so fat...the other day I got a shoeshine...and I had to take the guy's word for it!

Golf Trip
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad
you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh, she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."


Special Package deal for Businessmen

An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.

Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free.

After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.

All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"

New SIM to Surprise Her Husband

Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room.

She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:

"Hello Darling."

The husband responds in a low tone:

"Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.

Cool Message by a Wife

Dear Mother-in-law,

"Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"

Throwing Knives at Wife's Picture

Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.

All the knives were missing the target!

Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"

His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."

Habit of Talking in Sleep

A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?

Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.

Natural Disasters Just Happen

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife.

Natural disasters just happen.

Your Husband Needs Rest

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: When should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you!

TEACHER:
Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got
here.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on
the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:
K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN:
Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________
TEACHER:
Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I
J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________
TEACHER:
Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:
Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with '
I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No,
Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am
the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

________________________________
TEACHER:
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his
father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had
the axe in his hand.....

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers
before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a
good cook.

____________________________
TEACHER:
Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly
the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.