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Thread: Today's Chuckle

  1. #531
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    Tampa Bay, FL
    Posts
    8,125

    Default Stunt flying

    Airbus

    An Airbus 380is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.


    The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”

    He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

    The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

    The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

    The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the flight attendant for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "

    The moral of the story is:


    When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  2. #532
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
    Location
    Southern California
    Posts
    3,353

    Default

    I played golf a lot when I was younger, and #530 brought back some really ridiculous and somewhat painful memories. Ha!

    But one beautiful Saturday, after a torturous day of golf, I, half drunk, snapping at my ex-wife and yelling at my kids, thought “why am I doin’ this”? And that was my last day of golf.
    Kala "Spalted" baritone - Lo D GBE- Fingerstyle
    Gold Tone tenor banjolele - Lo F BbDF Fingerstyle
    Luna “Peace” concert - CGDA (5ths) Fingerstyle

    Kala tenor eight string - gGcCEEAA Strum
    Flea "Red" concert - Hi-F BbDG Strum
    Kala "Exotic Mahogany" soprano - Hi-A DF#B Strum

    Mahalo yellow "Smiley" soprano (Dad's Day gift)
    Ka-Lai Pineapple soprano (old) gift

    Old age should rather be feared than death. - Juvenal
    God gave us old age so we wouldn't mind dying so much.

  3. #533
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Seattle, WA
    Posts
    2,142

    Default

    an unfortunate accident created a long and deep gouge in the imported Marble Entry to a very prestigious, high-profile Bank.
    an emergency Board of Directors meeting was called and after hours of deliberation dealing with the fact that the
    quarry from which the original Marble was hewed had been closed for decades and was under the control of political
    forces not at all friendly with the US, the Directors decided to adjourn to revisit the Entry and reassess the damage.

    the Bank Doorman opened the door for this august body of Directors to file through to get a good look at the damage.
    He was curious, so as the last member, who happened to be the Bank President, passed through the doorway, he asked
    what the meeting was about since they all stopped right outside the door looking down at the entry.

    in a rather abrupt and slightly intense voice the Bank President bellowed, "Can't you see the damage to the Marble Entry?
    the Quarry in Eastern Europe is closed and we can't find another to give us what we want and need to make a good
    impression on our investors!"

    the Doorman looked at the damaged Marble then suggested, " why don't you turn it over and polish the other side?"

    'nuf said!

    keep uke'in',
    Uncle Rod Higuchi
    ( rohiguchi@seattleschools.org )

    MP3s: http://www.mediafire.com/?50db7nls4o6m6
    Ukulele Boot Camp, FREE Songbook, Holiday, Hawaiian & More: http://ukulelebootcamp.weebly.com
    Crazy G tutorial on YouTube ( uncle rod crazy g )
    pdf file for Crazy G:
    https://www.dropbox.com/s/0o6id06c06...20TAB.pdf?dl=0

  4. #534
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    Tampa Bay, FL
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    Default

    Checking in At Heaven

    All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.



    The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.



    The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.



    He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."



    "I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest ...."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  5. #535
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    USA
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    2,854

    Default

    Oh those pets!

    IMG958384.jpg
    John

  6. #536
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    Dec 2010
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    Default

    HaHa John!
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  7. #537
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    Tampa Bay, FL
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    Default

    A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

    'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one
    thing'

    'What do they say?' the priest asked.

    They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have
    some fun?'

    'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.....

    'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to
    your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to
    pray and read the Bible...

    Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put
    them In the cage with Francis and Peter.
    My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,

    And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase In no time.'

    'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very
    well be The solution."


    The next day, She brought her female parrots to the
    priest's House.... As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male
    Parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and
    praying.. Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with
    them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in
    unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
    There was stunned silence...

    One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
    says, Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been
    answered!
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  8. #538
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    Location
    Ames, Iowa
    Posts
    3,840

    Default

    This is a lead in to a song that is in my playlist. I always start out with it because it is easy to play and sing. It is a good warmup song. So I tell the story.

    A ukulele player was between gigs and needed to make some money. He decided to lower his standards and went door to door asking homeowners if they had any chores that needed to be done. He was knocking on doors in the ritzy neighborhood when a woman answered the door of a huge mansion with a circular drive in front of it.
    "I'm broke and I'm looking for work," he told the woman. "You got anything you need done?"
    "It is your lucky day," the woman said. "The porch out back needs painted. I'll give you fifty bucks."
    The ukulele player agreed to take on the job, so the woman left for a minute and returned with a gallon of white paint and a brush. She directed the ukulele player to the back yard and then left him to do the chore.
    A couple hours later the ukulele player came back to the front door and knocked. The woman answered the door.
    "I finished the job," He told her, handing her the half empty pail of paint and the cleaned brush.
    The woman took the pail and the brush, left again for a minute, then returned with a fifty dollar bill. The ukulele player took the bill and was leaving when he turned back to the woman still standing in the door.
    "Ma'am," he said to the woman. "I just thought that you should know, that's not a Porsche that you had me paint back there, it is a Mercedes Benz."

    Then I say, "Okay, a song made famous by Janis Joplin."
    Last edited by Rllink; 03-25-2019 at 06:27 AM.
    I don't want to live in a world that is linear.

    I just want everyone to understand that I am not a ukulele expert, even though it may look at times like I'm pretending to be.

    https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_n...tective+Agency

  9. #539
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    Default

    After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind a strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
    Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
    Husband: What's up?
    Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid...
    Husband: Well you don't remember, do you??? When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped, then you said: "Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here.” So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.”
    Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified.
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  10. #540
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    Default

    A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer teats, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

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