Today's Chuckle

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> No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is FUNNY.
> Judy Walkman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.
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> The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory
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> On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
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> So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.
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> Harry Reid:
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> Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
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> "Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
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https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/horse-thief-ancestor/
 
I thought this was funny. I was using the search function to find information about Graphtech Ratio tuners. I typed in graph tech ratio and this thread was the first listing. What a nice bit of serendipity. I probably wouldn't have found this thread otherwise. Thanks Nickie and others for your contributions.
 
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE ...

WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips , an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.



George opened the back door to go turn off the light,

but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.


He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me .


Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"



George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.

Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.



Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.



One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story)


Don't mess with old people

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GETTING OLDER


A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"


"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.."


***********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.


As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad , what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."


(I LOVE IT!)

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Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

This is so true.

I love to hear them say: "You don't look that old."

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The older we get the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

(Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place.)

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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.


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Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is (sometimes) comfortable.

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Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."


The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."


The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'


To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."
 
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral, but during his career, he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview, the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why yes sir. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, answered the same question with, "Well, yes sir, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.

The Admiral wanted this guy but went ahead with the same question. " Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise, the Sergeant said, "Yes, sir. You wear contact lenses"


The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Marine replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one f-----g ear."
 
I haven't posted anything funny here lately.
Got this from a friend, who is a deep thinker....



> I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
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> My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
> She then said that’s what you did yesterday—to which I replied—"I WASN’T DONE , SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW."
> The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
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> Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
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> Well, after another cold beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
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> On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
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> How are my powers of deduction? Time for another cold beer, and then maybe a nap.
 
Four old guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen? “There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred, and says, "That's 10 cents each, please"

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please.“

They pay 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally, one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, Liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.”
 
Last week, I took my grand-daughter to a restaurant.
She asked if she could say grace. As we bowed our heads she said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty, peace & justice for all. Amen!"
Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray.. Asking God for ice cream! Why -- I never!"
Hearing this, my grand-daughter burst into tears & asked me, "Did I do it wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?"
After I assured her that she had done a terrific job & that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-daughter and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grand-daughter asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul."
Naturally, I bought my grand-daughter ice cream at the end of the meal. She stared at her ice cream for a moment, & then she did something I will remember the rest of my life. She picked up her sundae and, without a word, walked over & placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile she looked her in the eye and told her,
"Here ma'am, this is for you, you grouchy old b---h. Shove it up your a-- and cool off!"
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it!
 
An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.

In a few minutes he returned.

"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.
"I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."
 
Phone Etiquette

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.


She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.
 
Thinking back a few years, living in Fla. I remember Hurricane Frances.
I was ready for it but my wife was not.

When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and
thrashing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying roofing tiles and destroyed
fences as well as the unnerving sound-levels, my wife was rooted to the
spot. … She stared and stared through the glass of the window. Immovable,
with her nose pressed to the windowpane, the stark fear in her eyes will
stay with me forever.

Fortunately, as the eye of the storm arrived and the winds temporarily
lessened, I was able to open the door and let her in.
To this day, she has never thanked me!
 
This happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl.



An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and
funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably
deserved to fly as cargo.



For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.



A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled.



A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.



Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said:-



"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."



The agent replied: "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks
first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."



The passenger was unimpressed.



He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear: "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"



Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.



"May I have your attention, please?" she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.



"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14."



With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said: "F*** You!"



Without flinching, she smiled and said:


"I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
 
Jokes that the Irish like and laugh at too. I Know, I know, it's ethnic. But I'm Irish, so.....

There was a power failure in a Dublin Department Store last week and three hundred people were stranded on the escalators for more than two hours.


"O'Leary, your glass is empty, will you be having another one?"

“And what would I be doing with two empty glasses?" O'Leary replied.



Young Teresa came home with some dreadful news.

"I'm pregnant" she cries.

"And how do you know it's yours?" shouts her father



PADDY: "If you can guess how many pheasants I've got in me bag you can have both of them".*

SHAUN: “Three!”



Mrs Murphy said: I don't tink me husband has been faithful to me".

"Why's that?" said Mrs O'Toole.

"Me last child don't look anything like him".



Mrs O'Toole said: "I can only tell you this bit of scandal once, because I promised Mrs O'Leary I would never repeat it"



Shaun and Molly sat up all night, on their honeymoon, waiting for their conjugal relations to arrive.



Murphy had a rope hanging from a tree in his garden. Shamus asked him what it was for.

"It's me weather guide" said Murphy, "If it's swinging back and forth, it's windy and if it's wet, its been raining.



Father O'Flaherty asked Mrs O'Reilly how many children she had. Four was the reply. "That's a good Catholic woman you are, and when will you be having the next? he asked. I'm not, Father", she replied. "I read that every fifth child born in the world is Chinese".



The Dublin pensioners club go on a mystery tour every Wednesday and to make it interesting they have a sweep to guess where they are going. Shamus, the coach driver, has won five weeks on the trot.



Colleen dropped a Euro coin, intending it to fall into the blind man's hat on the pavement, but missed, as quick as a flash he scooped it up and put it in the hat. "You're not blind" she said. "No I'm not" said Paddy, "Its Murphy whose blind, I'm just filling in for him while he's gone to the pictures".



"We're looking for a Treasurer for the Xmas fund", said Paddy.

"Didn't you take on a new one last month?" said Murphy.
"That's the one we're looking for", Paddy replied.
 
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
 
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away!

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.
1x
Innkeeper: "The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed."
Guest: "I'll make my own bed."
Innkeeper: "Great. I'll get you some nails and wood."
While I was working as an assistant in a large corporation, my boss used to take half of the job applicant's resumes and throw them in the garbage.
When I asked him why he just said: "I don't want to work with unlucky people."

Customer: "Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup."
Waiter: "Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers."
2x

It is well known...
Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up.

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?

A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.

The waiter says that there's nothin' special... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die...

3
HUSBAND: "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
WIFE: "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
She replied, "No peer pressure."

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
She says, "I'll miss you."

A waiter walks up to a table of old ladies eating their lunch and asks, "Is ANYTHING ok?"

Husband: "There's something preying on my mind."
Wife: "Don't worry, it'll soon die of starvation."
 
A man spent all his life alone, finding no love. At age 96, he dies and goes to heaven.

At the same time, a woman spent all her life alone, finding no love. At age 102, she dies and goes to heaven.

As chance has it, they both meet at the heavenly library, discovering they both have a deep love for books, they start talking and amazingly enough, after a lifetime of unhappiness, fall in love.

They walk up to God and ask to be married.

"Give me some time," Says God, "and I’ll get back to you. This is quite extraordinary."


Four years pass, and after the couple waited patiently, God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.

A few centuries pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once more and this time they ask, sadly, for a divorce.

God responds: “It took me four years to find a priest in this place. How long do you think it’ll take me to find a lawyer?!”
 
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