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Thread: Today's Chuckle

  1. #601
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    Tampa Bay, FL
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    My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

    Jewish Irony: Passover canceled because of a plague.

    Many parents are just about to discover the teacher is not the problem.

    First time in history we can save the human race by laying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let's not screw it up.

    Reminder: 9pm is the time to remove your day pajamas and put your night pajamas on.

    My cleaning lady just messaged to say she will be working from home and will send me instructions on what to do.

    We're about two weeks away from seeing everyone's true hair color. (This one really bothers me)

    What's worse: two masked guys trying to rob you or your unmasked pizza delivery guy?

    I've almost completed my 90 day trial of 2020. How do I cancel?

    Day 3 without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch. Apparently she's my wife. She seems nice.

    Anyone else feel like life is being written by a fourth grader? "And there was this virus and everyone was scared. And then the world ran out of toilet paper. Yeah, and then there was like no school for a month."

    Anyone have a recipe to make toilet paper out of cauliflower?

    Looks like we'll also need to bail out our political and science fiction writers, and retrain them to be historians.

    Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly: Next week-- turn signals!
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  2. #602
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    Tampa Bay, FL
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    A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.


    'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time. I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...


    'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.


    Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...


    ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration..''


    And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.


    ''Now; if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''


    The old lady stepped back and said:


    ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  3. #603
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    Darlington UK
    Posts
    906

    Cool

    Ha, brilliant
    You don't stop playing when you get old. You get old when you stop playing

    Tanglewood TU13M concert called Kalea
    Brunswick BU4-B baritone called Kalua
    Fender DG5 Dreadnought guitar named Tilly
    Tanglewood Discovery guitar
    Valencia hybrid classical guitar

    My Music Blog

  4. #604
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Tampa Bay, FL
    Posts
    8,703

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    I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
    I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
    Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
    PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
    Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
    I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
    This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
    So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
    Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
    Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
    I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
    I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
    Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
    Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.

    Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  5. #605
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
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    Tampa Bay, FL
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    Frank, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the
    doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy
    is in and as sharp as a tack; 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

    I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Frank, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'


    "'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.
    How old was your Father when he died?


    "Who said he was dead?"



    The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

    'He's 100 years old,' says Frank. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

    'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

    'Who said my grandfather's dead?'

    Stunned, the doctor asks, you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'



    'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

    The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

    'No, No he couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

    At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'




    'Who said he wanted to?'
    "Those who bring sunshine and laughter to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves".

    Music washes from the soul, the dust of everyday living.

  6. #606
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    3,746

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    The aftermath of coronavirus

    20200417_132357.jpg
    John

  7. #607
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Location
    Spain.
    Posts
    31

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    My social life is in tatters -- the origami group has folded.

  8. #608
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    West Midlands GB
    Posts
    2,163

    Default

    That creased me!

  9. #609
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    Lincolnshire. UK
    Posts
    279

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    What's Donald Trumps favourite African river?

    It's clearly de Nile!

    I'll get my coat.
    .

  10. #610
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Location
    Spain.
    Posts
    31

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    I just had to phone the RSPCA, to tell them Id found three badgers in a suitcase by the roadside.
    Are they moving, they asked.
    I dont know, I replied, but that could explain the suitcase.

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